Hello all. Not happy I'm here but happy I'm here :)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all,
I was in a relationship with person who possibly had BPD. I met her at a social event and was immediately drawn to her. I got her contact information and started texting each other. Went out on our first dinner date and she explained that she was in a 3 year relationship with her ex that got physical in the last year of the relationship. Arguments turned into fights and she said he pushed her and the cops had to be called. My mother was in abusive relationships so of course I felt the need to protect her. We continued to see each other. I told her that I have two young boys and visit them on major holidays. My ex wife and I have an arrangement that I can stay at the house with them. It saves me from getting a hotel like I used to do in the past to see my kids. She didn't seem to mind and we still were interested in getting to know one another. I noticed one time we went out with my friends, drinking was involved, she was flirting with a friend of mines friend as she sat on my lap. We weren't dating but this should have been my first red flag but I ignored it. The second time we went out she had disappeared from the group at a dance club after I went to get drinks and came back to tell me that a couple had asked her to dance. Still I kept pursuing her as she was lively and fun. We started dating not to long after this and things were going good. Her sweet innocent charm was captivating. She was petite, cute, smart and funny. She college educated and held a job as an operations manager for a bank. She had a bunny as a pet. Was afraid of dogs but loved them. She volunteered at an animal shelter with dogs and wanted to own one but wasn't feasible with her work schedule. I was really starting to like her. As time went on (approx 2 months in) I started to come over her house more frequently and as it would get late she would always kick me out saying she needed rest. We have never kissed and never was sexual in anyway. I took this as taking things slow but still confused on how she really feels about me at this time. I now realize this was done to perfect the good girl image I wanted. She wanted me to want her (I assume). The kicking me out had to be a control measure by her. Her parents are from overseas and were planning a trip to California and since she never gets to see them, she planned to meet them while they were vacation visiting old friends. During her time in California she is texting me everyday and is freaking out because she can't do anything right for her parents. They call her fat and criticize her choice of outfits. I guess it has something to do with Asian culture but she was freaking out. The strong person I saw around me became like an eager little girl trying to please her verbally abusive mother and physical abusive dad. (she told me her dad would hit her and her sisters for being clumsy). I tried to comfort her by telling her she is beautiful and that her parents are crazy for saying that kinds of things to her. She immediately text back that They mean well and that I should never ever say anything bad about her parents. I quickly digress. After coming back from her trip I notice her being more close to me. We still haven't kissed or anything but the bond was getting stronger. She tells me that she doesn't feel the usual chemistry she has with other people and is still trying to see where we are going. I ask her if its physical attraction that is the problem and she just says its chemistry. I admit I'm not the best looking guy and might not be everyone's cup of tea but I still felt she was attracted to me as a whole. One night she tells me straight to my face that she is going out to dinner with a friend who she thinks likes her. I immediately looked at her like she was crazy and I don't say anything because We are not together but its still kinda messed up to hear especially since I liked this person. I just said okay and usually I would say ___ it and tell someone to kick rocks but I was so under her spell that I let her trample over my boundaries and respect for myself. The guy was then sending flowers. So that made me send better flowers. I was in a duel with a guy and trying to win the heart of this woman. Another red flag I ignored. 3 months in we finally had spent a whole day together and had sex that night. It was good but it wasn't about the sex with me. I felt I had a connection with someone and was happy we liked the same things. Her positive spirit made me attracted even more. The next day she texts me that I was probably going to ask " are we together now since we slept together". I told her no and that when its time I wanted her to be sure I'm the right one for her and wasn't going to rush anything. She then told me that once she knows I'm the one she KNOWS I'm the one and then I can get all the grand things of what comes along with being her boyfriend. She was already and very emotional person. She would cry at weddings on tv, movies and pretty much anything tear jerking. 4 months in she tells me she is going to dinner. I noticed that if she tells me she is going to dinner with a friend she says that friends name. If it is a guy or someone else, she never mentions a name. I gather that the "friend" was the same guy who was sending flowers to her from before. I don't want to think the obvious and ignore that red flag. We go out the next day and we are having fun and then she tells me that she went to dinner and I asked if it was the guy sending flowers and she said yes. I was holding her hand and immediately dropped her hand. I told her how can she still be doing this when we are supposed to be getting closer. She cries and says she never wanted this to happen. Not taking full blame, she then says that the guy didn't mean no harm and it was bad timing. She didn't want to brush him off because she didn't know how things were going to go with me. She mentioned the fact that I wasn't serious enough to her because I was still staying over my ex's house to see my kids. Since we still weren't official, I forgave her and we made up with sex. Again, I usually would tell someone to kick rocks from something like this. It made us closer. I started meeting more of her friends and we started spending more and more time together. The more we spent the crazier things got. We were in bed one evening and she had a stopped up nose and I made fun of her breathing which she initially laughed at with me. 10 minutes later she got up and went to sleep on the couch. After 15 minutes of trying to get her to come to bed she finally does. I asked her what is wrong and she said in a childlike voice " You made fun of me". I looked puzzled but at the same time I wanted to console this crazy behavior and told her to come here and hugged her. She also wanted to see my kids. I told her that my ex and I have come to an agreement that we both would meet each others significant before the kids would meet them. She didn't like this and made this another excuse on why we couldn't be official. She wanted to be part of the planning process. I told her that makes no sense on why I would do that if we are not official. Why would I bring you into my chlidren's lives if we are not official? She couldn't grasp this concept and we would argue over this. So when I had my kids with me I couldn't see her. This turned into texts saying " I don't think you can be there for me when I really need you like if i was in a car accident you couldn't be there for me if I was to be hospitalized and this is a very bad feeling for me to have" I thought it was over the top her saying this but this was another red flag I ignored. Each time there was an argument she would pack everything I ever bought her and try to give it back. She would shut herself down and give me a serious look with no emotion.Each time I fought her to stay and make things right and told her how much I needed her in my life to convince her until she burst into tears. This was a cycle that continued over and over. She shuts down, I take blame and fight for her love. It got emotionally exhausting because she was ready to leave at the drop of a hat and here I am trying to make this thing work. Every time she invited me to an event I was always there. If I mention and event to her she would say she forgot and that if it was important I would have kept reminding her. I could tell she never really wanted to go because she is a heavy planner with everything. One time on my friends bday event she got super mad at me. we had been drinking and I saw and old female friend (she is gay) that I haven't seen in a year. I took a selfie with her. I completely forgot to introduce her to my ex and she flipped out. We got outside and she was almost in tears and I was like why are you tripping. Since we were among my friends she freaked out and started digging her nails in my hand telling me to stop yelling (I wasn't yelling). She kept digging until I was bleeding. Another red flag. I tried to calm her down and she was visible shaken and upset. Still I pressed on with out "situationship". She later apologized but said that it was my fault because I was yelling and making a spectacle. If I didn't do that then my hand would have not been bleeding. I noticed after a while she would never take blame for anything, hated criticism and would get annoyed at the slightest things. My birthday came and she saw a white stain on my pants and immediately threw accusations of infidelity my way. I pointed out that I have never had the need to step out even while she still had dates with other people. She let herself calm down but the next day she pointed out the stain again. I told her that the stain is not semen and I don't know what it is but what I do know is that stain is not semen. She leaves for work and while I'm at her house she texts me that she wants to talk about it. I say ok. I ask her if she wants me to make dinner and she says she is going to have dinner with her friend (gives a specific name). I say ok and tell her that I will cook at her house. She then informs me that she doesn't want me to cook at her place and to not leave her door unlocked. This puzzles me and I just wait for her to get home. She gets home and packs everything I ever bought her. I ask her if its over? and she says " you want this to be over?" I ask her again do you want this to be over and she says yes. I said good. Then I lay into her. I tell her that her ex got her so F***d up she doesn't know what real love is. She tells me that I don't. I'm gathering up all my things and I'm not holding anything back on how I felt the whole time I was taking her ___ and being a doormat. It was my birthday and if I had done this to her I would have had hell to pay. Again red flag because empathy is no existent. I was telling her the truth and she coudn't take it. She screamed get out and tried to throw my things out. She started to cry but quickly went stone faced. She told me she needed to give me my cracker back and while i stood next to the pantry, she swung the door violently to hit my face but I blocked it with my wrist. I pushed her on her shoulder and told her to watch herself. That's when I told her that I know why your ex hit you because you hit him first. I left and felt bad immediately. She used me saying that to her as her escape. She said that she could never trust anyone that would take something so depressing in her life and be so petty to throw it in her face. I felt terrible and I wanted to make up. I would text her and she would respond with one word texts and I could feel the coldness in the texts. I was in pain because I lost her and blamed myself and dismissed the fact that she had done so many violent acts to me. I offered for us to seek couples counseling and she laughed. She said that I was the one that needed help and that she would be supportive of me being a better me. I didn't know about BPD then and I took so much blame for this and couldn't see the reason I was like this after 6 months with someone. My self esteem was shot. My boundaries were crushed by this woman. A week later she was already going on dates with the same guy that was sending flowers. She even told me that things happen for a reason. I looked back and examined things that led me to believe she was sleeping with people and probably this guy that was sending flowers as well. I had been feeling a sucker because all the signs were there but I was too scared to stand up for myself for fear of losing her. I was walking on eggshells after her mask had fallen off. I finally started some soul searching as this was not normal acting for me. I looked back and made a list of things I noticed as odd. I noticed that she would call a girl her best friend when she only knew the person for a year with not everyday interaction. She had close friends but It felt like a one sided relationship. She never told me she loved me but would let it slip here and there. At times it bothered me because I wanted to hear her say it but she would fight herself to say it. Its almost as if she hated she had said it. She always wanted to hear the latest gossip. She almost seemed happy when a guy in her group of friends liked her and then she made in out to be crazy and the group alienated him even though he was friends with the group long before her. She would always tell me that anything she wanted to know I had to ask and that I wasn't sharing my life enough with her. I'm pretty much have no drama in my life and I don't choose to tell my friends secrets. She freaked out when I had a female friend visit me to catch up. She literally was almost in tears. Some many flags and then I found this forum which was my saving grace because I swear she is BPD and none of my friends know what this is and could just make out that she was crazy. I'm glad that this is an illness because I was thinking I was the one make all the dumb mistakes. I went to therapy and found out that I have some childhood issues to resolve and that's why I tried to save this woman. I'm still hurting over her and have my good days and bad days. ... NC for 35 days now. It feels like an eternity though.

[Cire155]

Hello all,
I was in a relationship with person who possibly had BPD. I met her at a social event and was immediately drawn to her. I got her contact information and started texting each other. Went out on our first dinner date and she explained that she was in a 3 year relationship with her ex that got physical in the last year of the relationship. Arguments turned into fights and she said he pushed her and the cops had to be called. My mother was in abusive relationships so of course I felt the need to protect her. We continued to see each other. I told her that I have two young boys and visit them on major holidays. My ex wife and I have an arrangement that I can stay at the house with them. It saves me from getting a hotel like I used to do in the past to see my kids. She didn't seem to mind and we still were interested in getting to know one another. I noticed one time we went out with my friends, drinking was involved, she was flirting with a friend of mines friend as she sat on my lap. We weren't dating but this should have been my first red flag but I ignored it. The second time we went out she had disappeared from the group at a dance club after I went to get drinks and came back to tell me that a couple had asked her to dance. Still I kept pursuing her as she was lively and fun. We started dating not to long after this and things were going good. Her sweet innocent charm was captivating. She was petite, cute, smart and funny. She college educated and held a job as an operations manager for a bank. She had a bunny as a pet. Was afraid of dogs but loved them. She volunteered at an animal shelter with dogs and wanted to own one but wasn't feasible with her work schedule. I was really starting to like her. As time went on (approx 2 months in) I started to come over her house more frequently and as it would get late she would always kick me out saying she needed rest. We have never kissed and never was sexual in anyway. I took this as taking things slow but still confused on how she really feels about me at this time. I now realize this was done to perfect the good girl image I wanted. She wanted me to want her (I assume). The kicking me out had to be a control measure by her. Her parents are from overseas and were planning a trip to California and since she never gets to see them, she planned to meet them while they were vacation visiting old friends. During her time in California she is texting me everyday and is freaking out because she can't do anything right for her parents. They call her fat and criticize her choice of outfits. I guess it has something to do with Asian culture but she was freaking out. The strong person I saw around me became like an eager little girl trying to please her verbally abusive mother and physical abusive dad. (she told me her dad would hit her and her sisters for being clumsy). I tried to comfort her by telling her she is beautiful and that her parents are crazy for saying that kinds of things to her. She immediately text back that They mean well and that I should never ever say anything bad about her parents. I quickly digress. After coming back from her trip I notice her being more close to me. We still haven't kissed or anything but the bond was getting stronger. She tells me that she doesn't feel the usual chemistry she has with other people and is still trying to see where we are going. I ask her if its physical attraction that is the problem and she just says its chemistry. I admit I'm not the best looking guy and might not be everyone's cup of tea but I still felt she was attracted to me as a whole. One night she tells me straight to my face that she is going out to dinner with a friend who she thinks likes her. I immediately looked at her like she was crazy and I don't say anything because We are not together but its still kinda messed up to hear especially since I liked this person. I just said okay and usually I would say ___ it and tell someone to kick rocks but I was so under her spell that I let her trample over my boundaries and respect for myself. The guy was then sending flowers. So that made me send better flowers. I was in a duel with a guy and trying to win the heart of this woman. Another red flag I ignored. 3 months in we finally had spent a whole day together and had sex that night. It was good but it wasn't about the sex with me. I felt I had a connection with someone and was happy we liked the same things. Her positive spirit made me attracted even more. The next day she texts me that I was probably going to ask " are we together now since we slept together". I told her no and that when its time I wanted her to be sure I'm the right one for her and wasn't going to rush anything. She then told me that once she knows I'm the one she KNOWS I'm the one and then I can get all the grand things of what comes along with being her boyfriend. She was already and very emotional person. She would cry at weddings on tv, movies and pretty much anything tear jerking. 4 months in she tells me she is going to dinner. I noticed that if she tells me she is going to dinner with a friend she says that friends name. If it is a guy or someone else, she never mentions a name. I gather that the "friend" was the same guy who was sending flowers to her from before. I don't want to think the obvious and ignore that red flag. We go out the next day and we are having fun and then she tells me that she went to dinner and I asked if it was the guy sending flowers and she said yes. I was holding her hand and immediately dropped her hand. I told her how can she still be doing this when we are supposed to be getting closer. She cries and says she never wanted this to happen. Not taking full blame, she then says that the guy didn't mean no harm and it was bad timing. She didn't want to brush him off because she didn't know how things were going to go with me. She mentioned the fact that I wasn't serious enough to her because I was still staying over my ex's house to see my kids. Since we still weren't official, I forgave her and we made up with sex. Again, I usually would tell someone to kick rocks from something like this. It made us closer. I started meeting more of her friends and we started spending more and more time together. The more we spent the crazier things got. We were in bed one evening and she had a stopped up nose and I made fun of her breathing which she initially laughed at with me. 10 minutes later she got up and went to sleep on the couch. After 15 minutes of trying to get her to come to bed she finally does. I asked her what is wrong and she said in a childlike voice " You made fun of me". I looked puzzled but at the same time I wanted to console this crazy behavior and told her to come here and hugged her. She also wanted to see my kids. I told her that my ex and I have come to an agreement that we both would meet each others significant before the kids would meet them. She didn't like this and made this another excuse on why we couldn't be official. She wanted to be part of the planning process. I told her that makes no sense on why I would do that if we are not official. Why would I bring you into my chlidren's lives if we are not official? She couldn't grasp this concept and we would argue over this. So when I had my kids with me I couldn't see her. This turned into texts saying " I don't think you can be there for me when I really need you like if i was in a car accident you couldn't be there for me if I was to be hospitalized and this is a very bad feeling for me to have" I thought it was over the top her saying this but this was another red flag I ignored. Each time there was an argument she would pack everything I ever bought her and try to give it back. She would shut herself down and give me a serious look with no emotion.Each time I fought her to stay and make things right and told her how much I needed her in my life to convince her until she burst into tears. This was a cycle that continued over and over. She shuts down, I take blame and fight for her love. It got emotionally exhausting because she was ready to leave at the drop of a hat and here I am trying to make this thing work. Every time she invited me to an event I was always there. If I mention and event to her she would say she forgot and that if it was important I would have kept reminding her. I could tell she never really wanted to go because she is a heavy planner with everything. One time on my friends bday event she got super mad at me. we had been drinking and I saw and old female friend (she is gay) that I haven't seen in a year. I took a selfie with her. I completely forgot to introduce her to my ex and she flipped out. We got outside and she was almost in tears and I was like why are you tripping. Since we were among my friends she freaked out and started digging her nails in my hand telling me to stop yelling (I wasn't yelling). She kept digging until I was bleeding. Another red flag. I tried to calm her down and she was visible shaken and upset. Still I pressed on with out "situationship". She later apologized but said that it was my fault because I was yelling and making a spectacle. If I didn't do that then my hand would have not been bleeding. I noticed after a while she would never take blame for anything, hated criticism and would get annoyed at the slightest things. My birthday came and she saw a white stain on my pants and immediately threw accusations of infidelity my way. I pointed out that I have never had the need to step out even while she still had dates with other people. She let herself calm down but the next day she pointed out the stain again. I told her that the stain is not semen and I don't know what it is but what I do know is that stain is not semen. She leaves for work and while I'm at her house she texts me that she wants to talk about it. I say ok. I ask her if she wants me to make dinner and she says she is going to have dinner with her friend (gives a specific name). I say ok and tell her that I will cook at her house. She then informs me that she doesn't want me to cook at her place and to not leave her door unlocked. This puzzles me and I just wait for her to get home. She gets home and packs everything I ever bought her. I ask her if its over? and she says " you want this to be over?" I ask her again do you want this to be over and she says yes. I said good. Then I lay into her. I tell her that her ex got her so F***d up she doesn't know what real love is. She tells me that I don't. I'm gathering up all my things and I'm not holding anything back on how I felt the whole time I was taking her ___ and being a doormat. It was my birthday and if I had done this to her I would have had hell to pay. Again red flag because empathy is no existent. I was telling her the truth and she coudn't take it. She screamed get out and tried to throw my things out. She started to cry but quickly went stone faced. She told me she needed to give me my cracker back and while i stood next to the pantry, she swung the door violently to hit my face but I blocked it with my wrist. I pushed her on her shoulder and told her to watch herself. That's when I told her that I know why your ex hit you because you hit him first. I left and felt bad immediately. She used me saying that to her as her escape. She said that she could never trust anyone that would take something so depressing in her life and be so petty to throw it in her face. I felt terrible and I wanted to make up. I would text her and she would respond with one word texts and I could feel the coldness in the texts. I was in pain because I lost her and blamed myself and dismissed the fact that she had done so many violent acts to me. I offered for us to seek couples counseling and she laughed. She said that I was the one that needed help and that she would be supportive of me being a better me. I didn't know about BPD then and I took so much blame for this and couldn't see the reason I was like this after 6 months with someone. My self esteem was shot. My boundaries were crushed by this woman. A week later she was already going on dates with the same guy that was sending flowers. She even told me that things happen for a reason. I looked back and examined things that led me to believe she was sleeping with people and probably this guy that was sending flowers as well. I had been feeling a sucker because all the signs were there but I was too scared to stand up for myself for fear of losing her. I was walking on eggshells after her mask had fallen off. I finally started some soul searching as this was not normal acting for me. I looked back and made a list of things I noticed as odd. I noticed that she would call a girl her best friend when she only knew the person for a year with not everyday interaction. She had close friends but It felt like a one sided relationship. She never told me she loved me but would let it slip here and there. At times it bothered me because I wanted to hear her say it but she would fight herself to say it. Its almost as if she hated she had said it. She always wanted to hear the latest gossip. She almost seemed happy when a guy in her group of friends liked her and then she made in out to be crazy and the group alienated him even though he was friends with the group long before her. She would always tell me that anything she wanted to know I had to ask and that I wasn't sharing my life enough with her. I'm pretty much have no drama in my life and I don't choose to tell my friends secrets. She freaked out when I had a female friend visit me to catch up. She literally was almost in tears. Some many flags and then I found this forum which was my saving grace because I swear she is BPD and none of my friends know what this is and could just make out that she was crazy. I'm glad that this is an illness because I was thinking I was the one make all the dumb mistakes. I went to therapy and found out that I have some childhood issues to resolve and that's why I tried to save this woman. I'm still hurting over her and have my good days and bad days. ... NC for 35 days now. It feels like an eternity though.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cire155,

Welcome to the family    

Thanks for sharing your story.  How did it feel to put this all into words on a page?  I found it very cathartic to get things off my chest that way, and even more so to have something to refer back to later, lest I forget (as we do) what I went through in a moment of weakness.  

When you look back at things now, what about her do you miss and makes you feel that the NC is hard?  In contrast, in what ways have things changed for the better since coming away from this situation and having time and space away for yourself?

It's good to think about these things.  I even wrote out pages of positives and negatives from my experience to help me to see clearly what had been going on and - as hard as it was to face - what I had allowed to happen.  

You're in the right place here, that's for sure and will find that you're far from alone.  That in itself was such a huge relief for me, as I'm sure it is for you.  I can highly recommend the articles and lessons to the right   to help you on your healing journey.

I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x

[Cire155]

When you look back at things now, what about her do you miss and makes you feel that the NC is hard?  In contrast, in what ways have things changed for the better since coming away from this situation and having time and space away for yourself?

It felt liberating to put this all onto paper and get this off my chest. The more I share the more it feels good. I think I miss having someone to make me feel good. I know that is the codependent in me that made me accept her negatives. The twisted cycle of her shutting down and me always having to reel her back in. The trauma bond. At first I was wanting to see what she had going on and put my focus on her life. Wanting to know if her and the new guy would work out. I had to step back and focus on me and not care about whether of not this person was going to be happy without me. I clearly ignored the fact that she didn't respect me. Putting myself first is and should be my priority. My focus on her started affecting my work and even now I catch myself slipping back to feeling pain from the relationship. I'm not over it but its getting better. The NC is hard because I want to still see the positive in her hoping that old person will reemerge and I get some sort of closure or validation that it wasn't me. I have to keep telling myself its an illness and that I will never get an answer.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cire,

How are you doing?  I'm wondering if you've read this article on Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD?  I recommend this a lot because of the way it helped me to establish what beliefs were holding me back from fully letting go and healing.  Do you see any of these beliefs as still applicable to yourself? 

Unfortunately, even if we do see the same person again in the future, it is rarely long before the devaluation begins once more.  It's cyclical behaviour that is unlikely to change without considerable work and commitment on her part.  I'm afraid that validation and closure will need to come from yourself.  This is the only surefire way of achieving it.  Take some time to tap into what you need emotionally and mentally and then look at ways that you can fulfil these needs without her involvement.  I needed to know that I mattered to him.  I broke this down to needing to feel I matter full stop and realised that I do matter to my friends and family.  I now matter a whole lot more to myself too.  I no longer need to feel that I matter to him. 

Love and light x   

[once removed]

hi Cire, i want to join Harley Quinn in saying

i too am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you found us. it does feel so good to get your story out there, to learn that others can relate to your experiences, and to finally have some answers, and it does sound like youve been through the wringer.

in my own experience, 35 days out was still pretty painful, so its understandable that there are some hard days, and some even harder.

are you still working with your therapist?

[Cire155]

are you still working with your therapist?

I actually stopped last week seeing the therapist. I went on a reading spree on BPD and took away a lot. I need to work on myself and being away from her has helped me get my life and my self esteem back. The books were eye openers. I had to get rid of the thought that she was going to be happy without me and that it was me that had a problem. I see now that She will do this to everyone and its nothing personal. Its just how the illness works. But the real take away is that even if she didn't have an illness, I let her carry on with behavior that is unacceptable towards anyone. The more my self esteem is getting back then more I'm feeling better with having her gone out of my life.

[crushedagain]

... .She was already and very emotional person. She would cry at weddings on tv, movies and pretty much anything tear jerking.

... .We were in bed one evening and she had a stopped up nose and I made fun of her breathing which she initially laughed at with me. 10 minutes later she got up and went to sleep on the couch. After 15 minutes of trying to get her to come to bed she finally does. I asked her what is wrong and she said in a childlike voice " You made fun of me".

... .Each time there was an argument she would pack everything I ever bought her and try to give it back. She would shut herself down and give me a serious look with no emotion. Each time I fought her to stay and make things right and told her how much I needed her in my life to convince her until she burst into tears. This was a cycle that continued over and over. She shuts down, I take blame and fight for her love. It got emotionally exhausting because she was ready to leave at the drop of a hat and here I am trying to make this thing work.

... .she freaked out and started digging her nails in my hand telling me to stop yelling (I wasn't yelling).

... .I noticed after a while she would never take blame for anything, hated criticism and would get annoyed at the slightest things.

... .She started to cry but quickly went stone faced.

... .I had been feeling a sucker because all the signs were there but I was too scared to stand up for myself for fear of losing her. I was walking on eggshells after her mask had fallen off. I finally started some soul searching as this was not normal acting for me.

... .She had close friends but It felt like a one sided relationship. She never told me she loved me but would let it slip here and there. At times it bothered me because I wanted to hear her say it but she would fight herself to say it. Its almost as if she hated she had said it. ... .

Everything I have highlighted fits my ex to a tee. It's almost scary how much they resemble each other. It sounds like you are handling things well now. That's great.

[Cire155]

Everything I have highlighted fits my ex to a tee. It's almost scary how much they resemble each other. It sounds like you are handling things well now. That's great.

It took me a while to realize what was going on. I have to admit that things in my childhood made me vulnerable to care for an abusive woman like this. I should have left a long time ago but the "nice guy" in me made me try to get back to what we had during my idealization phase.
Today, I'm doing much better because I have read a ton of books and I'm still reading to get myself back to normal. Not an easy task as these women do a number on you. I'm about 75% right now.

[once removed]

It took me a while to realize what was going on. I have to admit that things in my childhood made me vulnerable to care for an abusive woman like this. I should have left a long time ago but the "nice guy" in me made me try to get back to what we had during my idealization phase.

insightful. i think, over time, a lot of members have made similar conclusions and links to their childhood. its often an important key to the puzzle.

it sounds like youre finding some answers, and have a good roadmap to recovery. i would also suggest immersing yourself in the community a bit. read and help others. it can really help you feel surrounded by support and less isolated, and not only does it feel good to help, but youll find yourself offering insights you werent aware you had, that you can apply to your own situation, and it will help build your problem solving skills going forward.

[crushedagain]

It took me a while to realize what was going on. I have to admit that things in my childhood made me vulnerable to care for an abusive woman like this. I should have left a long time ago but the "nice guy" in me made me try to get back to what we had during my idealization phase.
Today, I'm doing much better because I have read a ton of books and I'm still reading to get myself back to normal. Not an easy task as these women do a number on you. I'm about 75% right now.

I knew things were way off with my ex and the relationship but I did not figure out a lot of it until it was over with and I was left trying to put the pieces of my life back together, which I'm doing right now. When you say "trying to get back to what we had during my idealization phase" it's a perfect description of how I felt during the relationship, wishing we could always go back to the good old days. But those were a lie.