Walking away

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So when my BPDw is extremely dysregulated she will be amazingly mean and berate me... .in the past I would engage, reason, give in, etc... .that didn’t work to say the least. Now I tell her to respect my boundaries and if she doesn’t calm down that I have to go.

Then I walk away.

Obviously my walking away triggers her abandonment and she usually goes berserk. At times she will call me, screaming, raging, etc and if I put down the phone she’ll keep calling. Maybe 50 times in 20 minutes. The last couple times I just put the phone down and she kept talking for 1 hour! One giant monologue... .amazing!

Of course in the end I’m always the bad guy... .I’m running away, not respecting her, I can’t handle talking about us... .etc

No win situation. Anyone else lived through this? Any good advice on how I can more appropriately address her in her dysregulated moments. Obviously it is better to avoid them but sooner or later, usually sooner, one peeps its head through.

Thanks

[LightAfterTunnel]

So when my BPDw is extremely dysregulated she will be amazingly mean and berate me... .in the past I would engage, reason, give in, etc... .that didn’t work to say the least. Now I tell her to respect my boundaries and if she doesn’t calm down that I have to go.

Then I walk away.

Obviously my walking away triggers her abandonment and she usually goes berserk. At times she will call me, screaming, raging, etc and if I put down the phone she’ll keep calling. Maybe 50 times in 20 minutes. The last couple times I just put the phone down and she kept talking for 1 hour! One giant monologue... .amazing!

Of course in the end I’m always the bad guy... .I’m running away, not respecting her, I can’t handle talking about us... .etc

No win situation. Anyone else lived through this? Any good advice on how I can more appropriately address her in her dysregulated moments. Obviously it is better to avoid them but sooner or later, usually sooner, one peeps its head through.

Thanks

[grd123]

i can relate and empathize with your situation. My BPDw would exhibit similar behaviour. Many times she would keep arguing with me about the craziest situations and the argument from her would keep going until 3 AM in the morning from 8 PM in the evening even though I would apologize and try to disengage. The argument would go on and on finally being exhausted I would fall asleep as I had to be up at 5AM for work. the following day or days after I would be told I was emotionally abusive because I fell asleep and did not listen. The arguments would be ridiculous about not washing a fork properly, I vacuumed improperly or why did I peel potatoes. I am now out of this situation and look back and ask why did I put myself through this. I was married 22 years but have a much more peaceful and tranquil life now and enjoy life now.

[formflier]

Perhaps a better way is to STOP warning her that you will walk away and say something simple and then walk way.

"Hey babe, I'm going to take a break from this conversation and clear my head.  I'll be back in 10 minutes and see if we can talk then."

In 10 minutes... .check in and ask if ready... .if still upset... .give it 20 min... .wash rinse repeat.

Perhaps after 2 or 3 tries... .let her know you will check in tomorrow.

You are attempting, as best you can to reduce the "abandonment fear" by giving a firm time.

Consistency will show them that being nice gets closeness and being bad gets "nothing" (no bad reaction... no good reaction... .), over time it may help.

FF

[LightAfterTunnel]

Perhaps a better way is to STOP warning her that you will walk away and say something simple and then walk way.

"Hey babe, I'm going to take a break from this conversation and clear my head.  I'll be back in 10 minutes and see if we can talk then."

In 10 minutes... .check in and ask if ready... .if still upset... .give it 20 min... .wash rinse repeat.

Perhaps after 2 or 3 tries... .let her know you will check in tomorrow.

You are attempting, as best you can to reduce the "abandonment fear" by giving a firm time.

Consistency will show them that being nice gets closeness and being bad gets "nothing" (no bad reaction... no good reaction... .), over time it may help.

FF

FormFlier,

I like the new approach and creativity in your suggestion... .I’m not convinced it will work but it is worth a try at least. Unfortunately, disengaging from her onslaught, even if only by casual comment, usually progresses with her following me and continuing to berate me as she follows me closely behind. Often she’ll then stand in the middle of the doorway so as to physically block any possible exit for me. If I ask her to move she won’t respond but continues to scream. Usually I’ll turn sideways and make myself thin to squeeze by her, which almost always ends in her pushing me and then saying that I’m physically abusive and walk through her.

Suffice to say that I’ve learned to keep the situation calm and hopefully not provoke her dissociative episodes but they still appear. When I find myself in one my modus operandi has been as I previously described but I’ll give your idea a shot. Thanks

On a separate but related note, usually it is absolutely worthless trying to say anything with her in these moments. The last two times, which have been relatively recent, I have been trying to make her more responsible of her present mind (this may quite possibly be a stupid assumption and/or idea on my part) and I have told her openly that she is acting emotionally dysregulated. In the moment it doesn’t seem to change a thing but I feel like, and maybe it’s just my perception, she calms down quicker and almost seems more mindful of her outbursts afterwards.

Cheers, LAT

[formflier]

Please don't physically push through her.

Do you have a local domestic abuse shelter or hotline that you can call and get information about what happens if you call 911.  Some places will make someone leave, some places are going to arrest someone.  It all depends.  You will want to know all of this, in detail BEFORE trying any of the stuff I described.

Physically blocking someone in a room and not letting them leave is criminal behavior in many jurisdictions another thing you need to fully understand before going forward.

FF

[LightAfterTunnel]

Oh no... .maybe my writing has failed my intention. I would never push through her. However, any attempt to avoid her physical blocking end in accusations against me. Hence my current strategy.

I’m unfortunately well aware of how off her behavior is and it has been/is being dealt with. Unfortunately, my situation is one of toleration for the time being, since after having spoken with a lawyer I was told that the country in which we live has very traditional laws on separation and subsequent child custody. All in favor of her.

So in the meantime I look at the positive aspects in life and try to concentrate on my kids, on my wellbeing, and learn better strategies to deal with my BPDw since even after all is said and done between us we will still have children to raise.

[Dragon72]

I'm in the same situation.
Every time I recognize that the conversation or argument is going circular or is not going to achieve anything, I remove myself but get accused of running away from discussion.  Then when I say "OK, let's sit down and talk this through rationally", she'll become a 4 year-old and say "No, I'm not talking to you because you don't want to talk".  It makes no sense.
None of it makes sense because we're dealing with people driven by emotion rather than by reasoning.
So I leave the house and come back late in the day when I know I won't have to interact with her much or at all until it's time for bed.

I'm also in a country in which I'm likely to get royally screwed in a divorce, both financially and in terms of child custody.

But little by little I am realising that being in a sham marriage devoid of intimacy in which nearly all our interactions end in dramatic and illogical argument is taking too much of a toll on my mental health and on the healthy personal development of our child who is picking up a dysfunctional view of what a husband and wife couple should look like.  But then again, the thought of having any reduction in the time when I can be with my child fills me with dread.

It's hell if you stay with her and it'll be hell if you leave.  Which one will you regret most on your death bed?

[LightAfterTunnel]

Wow Dragon72! You couldn’t have more succinctly described my daily internal thoughts and pondering.

It’s hard! I consider myself to be a proactive, stable, calm, and rational person but my fears of the unknown outcomes from a divorce have had me paralyzed for the last couple years.

My kids are 4-9 yrs in age, and as you stated perfectly, they need an example from which to learn a healthy relationship. I’ve been in therapy for the last 3 years and I’ve slowly built myself up to where I currently am. I am a very happy man and I find my happiness from within myself, my kids, etc... .But I feel like I am just slowly dragging a dead weight with my BPDw no matter how much I have tried to be present with her.

Over the last 6 months, I have been openly “constructing” the foundations for our separation but I still have difficulty with certain aspects, eg finding time to write details as to important episodes. I literally get physically tired... it’s such a weird psychosomatic effect.

LAT

[Dragon72]

I hear you, LAT.
Today I am exhausted too. It's only natural.
Emotional turmoil is physically draining.
I'm going to seek out something or someone today that will give me energy instead of suck it out of me.

[formflier]

Oh no... .maybe my writing has failed my intention. I would never push through her. However, any attempt to avoid her physical blocking end in accusations against me. Hence my current strategy.

I understand what you are saying.  I do want to reinforce how critical is it to be clear, I'm glad you are not going to be physical with her.

In your country are there domestic abuse hotlines, centers... .places?

Can you talk to them and/or lawyer and gain a full understanding of what happens if she "traps" you in a room and you call 911 (or however you call police in your country)

My goal is NOT to have you call the police on her.  My goal is that you are fully informed so that if you ever are trapped you can call for help with confidence that you understand what is about to happen.

The better goal is to figure out how you can disengage earlier and in a manner where she can't "trap" you.

What would that look like from a practical standpoint?

I totally understand the "most reasonable" course of action is for her to get therapy and be better.  My advice is focused on what YOU can do WITHOUT her cooperation to help make the relationship better and more stable.

FF