Trying to stick it out, but it just keeps getting worse.

[megaphone84]

Found this site and am really grateful to learn there are others out there dealing with a BPD spouse.

Backstory: My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years. When we met we both thought it was a romance for the ages. I'm so embarrassed now to realize that was probably part of the BPD. We moved in together after a few weeks of dating and thought it was just a foregone conclusion that we would spend the rest of our lives together.

After just a few months of dating, he started to exhibit severe anxiety and depression which he told me he had struggled with in the past. A suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization quickly followed. The honeymoon phase was over and to make it worse the doctors at a well respected major metropolitan hospital told me this was a one-off, and that it was a bad reaction to taking too much anxiety medication. I had NO IDEA what I was in for!

He was diagnosed with BPD in early 2011 but he didn't accept the diagnosis and I didn't know enough to fight it.

His anxiety/depression/ splitting has never gone away, but we have had enjoyed long sustained periods of happiness during which we got engaged and married- a choice I now feel like I didn't have enough information to make. Being happy and calm like that seems totally foreign to me now.

Thankfully, despite not accepting his diagnosis, he did continue to seek treatment for his depression, suicidal ideation and anxiety. It feels like we tried everything under the sun: countless medication combinations, 9 rounds of ECT, ketamine trials, TMS, consistent therapy focusing on CBT and DBT both group and individual. Nothing seems to make a lasting improvement and the rollercoaster ride has included another 2 suicide attempts and 3.5 weeks in a very expensive private hospital. None of it seems to have done anything except affect our savings.

For the last 10 months, things have been immensely challenging all of the time. We thought that the stress of his job was making his BPD worse so we saved up for a few years so that he could leave. I was so happy for him to leave his career and hopefully find something that made him happier and was a better fit for his condition but from the moment he resigned he has been miserable all the time and nearly impossible to be around. His BPD symptoms have become a constant companion and more than I can handle. I'm so sick of never being able to provide him comfort (regardless of how much I validate), so sick of the terrifying thought of him committing suicide (**no current verbalized threats, this fear is heightened by my PTSD of his three past attempts) and so sick of being the only person keeping our household together- I work 60+ hours a week and have had to take on more than my share of the housework. Our friends and family try to help. We are both in therapy. Nothing seems to make any bit of difference.

He was previously a very high functioning pwBPD: he held a very good job, very few people outside of our closest friends and family knew, and he was much less needy and abusive, but these days I'm not sure if he can even get a job due to his low self-esteem though he's convinced going back to work is the only thing that will provide comfort. Of course, he will also only settle for an absolutely perfect job and spends everyday feeling like a worthless failure for not having made different career choices. I feel like I have to do everything and that everything I do for him goes unappreciated and doesn't provide him any relief.

I'm so incredibly tired. I don't want to leave but I feel like I may have no choice or I'll be sacrificing my own life and chance for happiness. That said, I'm terrified of what the consequences of leaving him would be for his mental health. And I truly love the man I think is still in there somewhere... .

I know this is a decision I can only make for myself, but it's nice to think that someone else reading this has maybe been in the same spot.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Graceinaction]

There is SO much in your post I can relate to.

My husband had a high stress job and didn't choose to leave, he was forced after a hospitalization. But he has gotten so much worse in the 13 months since. I too, at trying to stick it out, but this is hell. Watching someone toss away everything they ever wanted... .it's so hard to know I can't do anything to stop him, but I have accepted that.

I realized that my husband had been using his job to avoid many things: relationships with me and the kids, fun, hobbies, friendships. Pretty much everything that constitutes a good life. Without his job to use as his main coping mechanism (avoidance,) he has absolutely fallen apart. And now he has to face it all. He can't use work as an excuse. I think it makes him feel more shame and like a failure.

It's an endless cycle at this point, and you're right, no amount of validating helps. I initiated what I had hoped to be a "therapeutic separation" this weekend but I did it all wrong. He got way out of hand and said some things I couldn't handle very well, so I asked him to stay with his parents. I had intended to wait until after Thanksgiving so we could discuss it with his therapist, but he said some things that made me realize he doesn't want anything better for our kids. It was too much.

I'm not sure he's capable of a therapeutic separation. I'm giving him some time away before I bring it up again.

Maybe read about it? My husband accepts his diagnosis and says he wants to get better. But he has strong avoidant traits that are interfering. He is deathly scared of doing the work required to get better. His main coping mechanism is avoidance. He can throw a nuclear bomb on our marriage and then just leave and refuse to talk for days. Lots of fun.

Maybe your husband had used work to avoid also.

[pearlsw]

Hi megaphone94,

Wow. You have tried so many different things to improve a tough situation. Do you think that perhaps being out of work, although you saved up for it, is also stressful for him? Did he need the structure of a job to keep him more balanced? Do you think he has stresses and fears he is not expressing?

Are you in the processing of developing a plan to leave or just contemplating this option as a response to your own needs related to your health and stress? Do you have ideas on how to reduce the stress for both of you?

So sorry this has been so extremely hard at times. I can see your husband means a lot to you! How painful and terrifying all these suicide attempts must have been! I can only imagine the fear and shock you have experienced.