Sister w/low functioning BPD, recovering from tumultuous relationship w/a BP

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

Boy, I don't really know where to start. I'm a 30 something year-old male with a younger sister who we just determined has BPD. We've known for years that she has been struggling with her mental health but my mom has shielded a lot of this from us, which has been a common occurrence in our household. Over the summer (early June to mid August) I was working in another country and had a lot go wrong in my personal life, including talking to the ex-partner for the first time in almost a year. By now I was in another relationship, the healthiest I have ever been in, I was happy. Then, things kind of hit the fan around the time my ex contacted me and started telling me she had "lost the love of her life," and she started trying to creep back into my life. This is an ex I moved 3,000 miles to be with only for her to end the relationship less than a week after I moved. She expressed what I've come to understand as methods of high functioning BPs to continually break me down and absolutely crush my self esteem.

I had a theft happen to me a day or two after she contacted me and then things just started to spiral. I ended up engaging in a physical relationship with someone else around this time. I felt out of control and confused by why I would do this to my current partner, but I continued. The summer became an endless string of bad to worse after that.

I found out my sister tried to commit suicide in mid-July. My mom waited 5 days after it happened to tell me. I started to withdraw from my family because I felt like for years now I haven't been getting the whole story about anything. I came back to my home country, and ended the relationship I had been in out of guilt. I picked things back up with the fling from over the summer. Then, a month later I ended it and shortly thereafter started dating my previous partner. A friend of hers suggested these two women speak and they told each other everything. It's been 3 weeks and neither will speak much to me. The girlfriend whom I deeply loved wants nothing to do with me.

Around the time she found out I was spending some time with my parents and finally had enough of what felt like enablement of my sister's behavior. After so many exhausting conversations I finally told her how I felt, what I thought should be done. My mom broke down, but finally she told me the diagnosis: my sister is a low functioning BP. I finally decided to see a therapist. I hadn't done so since I was a kid because I didn't trust them; the one therapist I had seen was seeing me and both my sisters and my mom would meet with them after sessions to talk about what we discussed. It felt like I couldn't open up to someone.

The new person I am seeing is wonderful, I've never felt more able to express myself. I told this person about my sister, and they warned me that it is common for siblings of BPs often will engage in romantic relationships with BPs. Then it all started to click.

I'm reading everything I can, and I'm trying to work on myself. I vacillate between anger and sadness over all this. I'm frustrated my parents felt like they had to shield me from this. I wish I could have known this before I got into a courtship with someone whose actions nearly derailed my life. I wish I didn't hurt the person I care about so dearly and I would have gotten help earlier.

I'm ok, I'm doing everything I can to work on myself and understand how to handle everything. I want to be clear I'm not trying to blame anyone for what has happened in my life but I just want the control back I don't feel like I've had for several years now. I know this story may be hard to follow but I don't exactly know how much detail to go into just yet. I just am thrilled to be learning about this group and want to understand as much as I can.

Thank you for listening, I look forward to hearing from some of you!

[Working_on_me23]

Hi everyone,

Boy, I don't really know where to start. I'm a 30 something year-old male with a younger sister who we just determined has BPD. We've known for years that she has been struggling with her mental health but my mom has shielded a lot of this from us, which has been a common occurrence in our household. Over the summer (early June to mid August) I was working in another country and had a lot go wrong in my personal life, including talking to the ex-partner for the first time in almost a year. By now I was in another relationship, the healthiest I have ever been in, I was happy. Then, things kind of hit the fan around the time my ex contacted me and started telling me she had "lost the love of her life," and she started trying to creep back into my life. This is an ex I moved 3,000 miles to be with only for her to end the relationship less than a week after I moved. She expressed what I've come to understand as methods of high functioning BPs to continually break me down and absolutely crush my self esteem.

I had a theft happen to me a day or two after she contacted me and then things just started to spiral. I ended up engaging in a physical relationship with someone else around this time. I felt out of control and confused by why I would do this to my current partner, but I continued. The summer became an endless string of bad to worse after that.

I found out my sister tried to commit suicide in mid-July. My mom waited 5 days after it happened to tell me. I started to withdraw from my family because I felt like for years now I haven't been getting the whole story about anything. I came back to my home country, and ended the relationship I had been in out of guilt. I picked things back up with the fling from over the summer. Then, a month later I ended it and shortly thereafter started dating my previous partner. A friend of hers suggested these two women speak and they told each other everything. It's been 3 weeks and neither will speak much to me. The girlfriend whom I deeply loved wants nothing to do with me.

Around the time she found out I was spending some time with my parents and finally had enough of what felt like enablement of my sister's behavior. After so many exhausting conversations I finally told her how I felt, what I thought should be done. My mom broke down, but finally she told me the diagnosis: my sister is a low functioning BP. I finally decided to see a therapist. I hadn't done so since I was a kid because I didn't trust them; the one therapist I had seen was seeing me and both my sisters and my mom would meet with them after sessions to talk about what we discussed. It felt like I couldn't open up to someone.

The new person I am seeing is wonderful, I've never felt more able to express myself. I told this person about my sister, and they warned me that it is common for siblings of BPs often will engage in romantic relationships with BPs. Then it all started to click.

I'm reading everything I can, and I'm trying to work on myself. I vacillate between anger and sadness over all this. I'm frustrated my parents felt like they had to shield me from this. I wish I could have known this before I got into a courtship with someone whose actions nearly derailed my life. I wish I didn't hurt the person I care about so dearly and I would have gotten help earlier.

I'm ok, I'm doing everything I can to work on myself and understand how to handle everything. I want to be clear I'm not trying to blame anyone for what has happened in my life but I just want the control back I don't feel like I've had for several years now. I know this story may be hard to follow but I don't exactly know how much detail to go into just yet. I just am thrilled to be learning about this group and want to understand as much as I can.

Thank you for listening, I look forward to hearing from some of you!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Working_on_it! 

I am so very glad that you have found us and joined us here on Coping and Healing.  We are a big online family dedicated to supporting on another and learning as we heal from the effects of having a pwBPD in our lives. Have you taken a look at the right hand side of the board yet? ------>>  Click on any of the steps and they will open up into a larger window. Also there is a whole lot available to read. Is there anything in particular that I can direct you too?

Some of what you shared reminded me of a book I read by Donald Miller, Scary Close, which a friend recommended to me. I looked to see if we had a review in our book listings but did not see it. The book does not deal with BPD, but the principles and heartfelt sharing within the pages clearly apply to how I felt (and the author) due to great fear and inability to form intimate relationship. For me it was because of the effects of BPD on my own life. My mom was a high functioning uBPD. Oh! How much that has been the forming base upon which ALL of my relationships have been based.

I am glad that you are beginning to make sense of this all in your life. None of us can go back and change the past, but we often do need to look back at our past in order to learn, understand, and dissect the truth and falsehoods which we have believed. I also wish you had some of this information sooner, but it is important to know that you have this treasure in your hands now, and it is and will influence your present and future. It is a gift you hold now. So glad you've found a good T! Mine has been worth his weight in gold to me, accompanying me on this journey to healing and recovery.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!
 
Wools