Need Advice on Informing Family Members of Status

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Another issue I really struggle with is what I inform my family members about the status of my relationship with GF when they ask.  So I am seeking some advice.  My situation:

Mother
2 older sisters

As mentioned before, I have 2 daughter ages 16 and 20, so I will handle my daughters the way I think is best. SO my question relates to handling my Mother and my sisters.  They have met my GF.  They have EACH individually asked me if the new GF will be at Thanksgiving? (and the answer is "no" They know it has been on again/off again previously.  So here it is "off" again.  Obviously, they naturally want to know "WHY" and also want to make sure I'm not being "too picky" (it annoys me in a sense that my one sister has said several times "well we really liked her", sort of implying that the "problem" must be ME); I can't tell them "Mom/Sisters, new GF has uBPD and I don't appear to have the necessary tools to deal with that."  So what the heck can I say? 

Thank you.

[MarkDavid]

Another issue I really struggle with is what I inform my family members about the status of my relationship with GF when they ask.  So I am seeking some advice.  My situation:

Mother
2 older sisters

As mentioned before, I have 2 daughter ages 16 and 20, so I will handle my daughters the way I think is best. SO my question relates to handling my Mother and my sisters.  They have met my GF.  They have EACH individually asked me if the new GF will be at Thanksgiving? (and the answer is "no" They know it has been on again/off again previously.  So here it is "off" again.  Obviously, they naturally want to know "WHY" and also want to make sure I'm not being "too picky" (it annoys me in a sense that my one sister has said several times "well we really liked her", sort of implying that the "problem" must be ME); I can't tell them "Mom/Sisters, new GF has uBPD and I don't appear to have the necessary tools to deal with that."  So what the heck can I say? 

Thank you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MD, I have to chuckle about your quandary because, in the early stages of dating my BPDxW, I took her to a family Thanksgiving dinner after which many said how much they "really liked her" or were impressed by her.  I chalk it up to BPD charm, plus no one had any idea what it was really like behind closed doors with my BPDxW.  Concerning your particular question, I would suggest that the less said the better.  Maybe you could just say, "No, she couldn't make it this year" or "she has other plans" or "we decided to spend Thanksgiving apart this year."  I suggest you keep it light and decline to go into the gory details.  You could say something about how nice it is to be with your mother and sisters.  Then I would let go of the outcome.

LuckyJim

[MarkDavid]

Hey MD, I have to chuckle about your quandary because, in the early stages of dating my BPDxW, I took her to a family Thanksgiving dinner after which many said how much they "really liked her" or were impressed by her.  I chalk it up to BPD charm, plus no one had any idea what it was really like behind closed doors with my BPDxW.  Concerning your particular question, I would suggest that the less said the better.  Maybe you could just say, "No, she couldn't make it this year" or "she has other plans" or "we decided to spend Thanksgiving apart this year."  I suggest you keep it light and decline to go into the gory details.  You could say something about how nice it is to be with your mother and sisters.  Then I would let go of the outcome.

LuckyJim

Thank you, Lucky Jim; I will utilize that advice.

[Notwendy]

I agree with not saying much at all- "she couldn't make it" or "she had plans with her family" is enough.

Again, BPD is a disorder that affects the most intimate of relationships most. I think many pwBPD can and do act amazing and charming - that is the side of them that is attractive. So it makes sense your family will like her.

If you plan on continuing this relationship ( and IMHO, I don't think this is it for her, there may be a recycle) it is best to say little for now until you figure it out. If you do feel you need to confide in someone - speak to a counselor. To confide in your family is triangulating and can potentially start up the drama triangle.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MarkDavid, How did it go over Thanksgiving?  LJ

[MarkDavid]

Hey MarkDavid, How did it go over Thanksgiving?  LJ

For me?  It was great. I hosted.  I had my 2 daughters there (20 +16), my sister and her husband and one of her daughters, my 88 year old mother, my 20 year old's boyfriend.  8 of us.

MIND YOU:  Ex-GF was supposed to come AND cook for this!  As of 2 weeks ago; she committed to BOTH!  Then backed out:  EMBARRASSING.  So I scrambled and as I am not a cook, I basically had the food in essence catered, and everybody LOVED IT!  My older sister even gave a toast before the lunch/dinner about what a great host I had become (since being divorced), what a great father I am to my 2 daughters, and what a great son I am to our 88 year old mother, and how our deceased father would be very proud of me.  Which I was very taken aback that my sister said all of that and it was extremely sweet, and obviously made me very happy.

Particularly because ex-GF left me high and dry as to Thanksgiving!

How was yours?

[Lucky Jim]

Wow, that's great news.  So glad to hear Thanksgiving went so well.  It's interesting to me that you were anticipating uncomfortable conversations with your family about your ex-GF, and it seems like it was a non-issue.  Give yourself credit for rising to the occasion.

My Thanksgiving was sort of stressful due to family and GF issues, so I'm happy to have it behind me.  It's onwards and upwards from here!

LJ

[MarkDavid]

Wow, that's great news.  So glad to hear Thanksgiving went so well.  It's interesting to me that you were anticipating uncomfortable conversations with your family about your ex-GF, and it seems like it was a non-issue.  Give yourself credit for rising to the occasion.

My Thanksgiving was sort of stressful due to family and GF issues, so I'm happy to have it behind me.  It's onwards and upwards from here!

LJ

Perhaps you could direct me to a good link on your story; I am interested in reading about it if there is one that could quickly get me up to speed.  Thank you!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MarkDavid, Thanks for your interest in my background.  I've posted a lot over the years, but am unsure if there is a particular link that would bring you up-to-speed.  Here is my story, in a nutshell:

Married to a pwBPD for 16 years, with two children.
Divorced 4 years ago.
Had never heard about BPD until about 9 years into a turbulent marriage.
My BPDxW was an abusive alcoholic.  I was a caretaker/codependent and ran myself into the ground until there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.  I was a victim of abuse and lost myself in my marriage, which was not fun.  Anyway, having gone through the BPD crucible, I'm back to being myself and life is now a journey towards authenticity, which feels good.
Happy to share more if you are interested or have any particular questions.

LJ