Passive aggressiveness

[JustTryingtoBrea]

So my BPH claims he's changed. After I was serious about walking out, he said he finally saw what he's been doing to me the past 16 years, the emotional and psychological abuse. He swears he'll never yell at me again, and hasn't in a few months. Here's the problem... .

#1 Our fights escalated last year when I had drinks with friends. Drinking has never been allowed and I broke the role. However, once confronted I stood my ground. This was new and he didn't know what to do. We fought for 6 months over a margarita. He just thought drinking was disgusting and couldn't understand why I would do it. For me it was simply about Independence. Anyways, a year later he drinks everyday! All or nothing? I don't know how to handle this. Is this alcohol abuse and hipocracy common to BPD?

#2 He doesn't yell anymore but makes numerous passive aggressiveness comments throughout the day. It seems like the same person different tactics? Is this a common trait of BPD?

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[isilme]

BPD has many ways it can show itself.

Yes, someone can go from overt rage to being passive-aggressive.  The ultimate goal, to me at least, is to control your emotions and elicit some desired response from you.  I find that H will "poke" at me for a while when he wants a fight - he may want a fight so he can yell and get things out of his system, so he will make rude comments, criticize things, all to start one. 

Another one is tardiness.  He will agree to do something, but always be late to show he's on control, not other people, or that he "really" didn't want to go but was made to.

all or nothing - this is called black and white thinking - yes, it's common to BPD.  Also, the lack of internal emotional control means that addictive behaviors and impulsive decisions are common.

[Enabler]

My wife flipped from overt rage to passive aggressive in about 2006. She became a Christian and overt rage didn't fit with the new her. Anger will always find a way out and now it seeps out of her every pore when she's dysregulated... .but now I don't know what the problem is, because she won't tell me. I'm not sure what is more painful, having it all hamging out so all can see, or internalised, brooding away in the unknown. I would actually say the shouting was better... .it was her problem then, now it's my problem (or was until I understood it). Passive aggressive behaviour is so destabilising and disconcerting, you never quite know if you're okay.

[JustTryingtoBrea]

Thanks for understanding.

It's challenging to say the least. It feels like everything has manipulative intent. And I can honestly say he doesn't yell at me anymore. It'd be so much easier to leave it he did!

[isilme]

I know it sounds crazy, but getting to a "yelling-less-often" stage is huge!  And even though it
is still not ideal, the passive-aggressive versus raging and word/physical violence is a step towards potentially less conflict. 

The emotional dysregulation is always going to be there.  The task is to work to manage it in better ways, and that evolves over time.