Rebuilding yourself after the discard...

[BluntForceTrauma]

Has anyone else found it difficult to regain "themselves" after being in a long term relationship with a BPD who suddenly split for someone else?  More specifically, after coming to grips with the relationship being over, and finally getting over to the healing side of things, did you have MAJOR problems trusting other people?  And other various perception/trust issues?

Lot's of trouble interpreting the motives of others?

Realizing that you are now preoccupied with things that you never were before?

Realizing that many, if not most of your friends were narcissistic/PD as well?  Maybe even a family member?

Minimizing contact with all of the above people only to find yourself sitting around wondering, "what now?"

Becoming reclusive?

What is going on with all of that?  How did you "fix" it?

[once removed]

i think grief and circumstances can have some unique differences for everyone, but certainly i can relate to a lot of what you describe and i know others can as well. for example, around 80% of members arrive here clinically depressed. we have a self test here which id encourage you to take: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772

my circumstances were similar in that my ex was transitioning to someone new before we ended. its pretty reasonable for that to do some damage to your ability/willingness to trust for some time. looking back, i think that i felt afraid. i was afraid not so much because i couldnt trust others, but i was afraid that i couldnt trust myself; id had some pretty bad breakups and i felt out of control over my circumstances and i couldnt understand it. perhaps you have some of that going on?

and also looking back, what i ultimately found healing was to rebuild my trust with myself. that meant all kinds of different things. it meant rebuilding my confidence. it meant reexamining my views on how and when trust is built. it meant some trial and error, and seeing results/feeling success. it meant facing and overcoming fears. i developed the attitude that i could thrive in a difficult world and not be swallowed up by it.

Realizing that many, if not most of your friends were narcissistic/PD as well?  Maybe even a family member?

i did run around diagnosing anyone and everyone in my head. what you have to realize is that only about ten percent of the world has a personality disorder. a couple of things can be at play here. the first is that we can be hypervigilant and fearful and as you said, have trouble interpreting the motives of others, and be preoccupied with it. its something i tried to keep in perspective. the second is that when youre learning about personality disorders, everyone becomes an armchair psychologist - you see it in everyone. i remember when i read a book about ADD, and i did the same thing, i thought everyone around me had it.

the third is that some people gravitate toward "drama". they dont do it intentionally and are typically unaware, yet theyre surrounded by difficult people. that was certainly me, so its not as if i was on the completely wrong track with overdiagnosing, but it finally clicked with me that this said more about me, that i was, not intentionally, gravitating in this direction.

personality disorders are on a spectrum from low to high. this means there are a higher number of people running around with say, traits of a particular disorder or disorders or another mental illness, than there are with a diagnosable personality disorder. those people are what i call "difficult people". and difficult people can be very difficult, some more than others, and theyre not in short supply. we cant hide from them, theyre in our families, theyre our friends, theyre in our church, our workplace, everywhere.

so what do we do? we need the skills to navigate. we need to be clear on our values and boundaries. we need to have good judgment and discernment when it comes to other people, how far we let them in, how we interact with them. all of these things help you better know yourself and others. thats how i think we build trust in ourselves.

[MeandThee29]

Has anyone else found it difficult to regain "themselves" after being in a long term relationship with a BPD who suddenly split for someone else?  More specifically, after coming to grips with the relationship being over, and finally getting over to the healing side of things, did you have MAJOR problems trusting other people?  And other various perception/trust issues?

I'm middle-aged, and we were together half of my life. He's so much a part of me that I constantly think of him. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, still thinking he is there. Probably some of it is that we're still in the house where we have lived as a family for 20 years. I don't know if he's found someone else or not. He's talked about it.

I had a lot of trouble feeling relaxed and open with people at first. I focused on a few friends, and it got better. For religious reasons, I won't be dating during separation, and honestly I can't imagine ever doing that at this point.

I still find that I can easily be hurt. A friend got a little testy a few days ago, and I found myself overblowing it. The same thing happened with my boss three weeks ago. I felt like he was picking on me, and I lashed out, which is not something I'd normally do. Thankfully he accepted my apology and said that he knows that I'm under a huge amount of stress. I lashed out at him in August shortly after we separated, and my boss was understanding then too.

I have to watch being a recluse. It inevitably results in me wallowing in my problems. I currently work from home, and I think that getting a new job and getting out are going to help with that. I also plan to do some volunteer work with my young adults after the holidays.

It's hard, hard stuff.

[valet]

I think that most of the experienced members here would tell you that getting past this type of relationship is not easy, and that it takes a long time and much effort to regain some of the openness that we had before.

Personally, yeah. The last few years have been the most challenging of my life in numerous ways. I certainly had some pretty big, pervasive trust issues with people (even close friends) in the aftermath of my relationship that have taken a lot of reflection and action to get past. I became a lot more reclusive, hit the booze too hard, and basically lost my motivation in life to achieve pretty much anything that I didn't have to do to keep food on the table and a roof over my head. I lost interest in hobbies that were dear to me, and had to cut certain people out of my life. All in all, it was kind of like a psychological lobotomy. 

I wouldn't say that there is some magic bullet type of 'cure' for these things. Rather, I got myself back gradually, and I wouldn't say that this process is complete (nor that 'complete' is even a good word to describe a person's self-identity).

It takes a lot of resilience, and you have to reconcile the idea that not everything is going to be comfortable or easy. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. But when you understand that idea things get a bit easier.

The thing that comes first is regaining our sense of emotional and physical safety. Establishing that kind of mental space takes some time, but consider it a foundation to build upon. Validate yourself, respect your own beliefs, and try to be kind to yourself and others. We don't always have to be right in social situations, but that doesn't make us explicitly wrong either. Try new things. If you feel overwhelmed take a step back and think about it. Write about it here or talk to your therapist if you have one.

I think that a lot of us here were raised with the idea and belief that most people are good, trustworthy, and loyal. And we take it personally when they aren't. The reality is that how other people behave really has nothing to do with us. Moving on has a lot to do with focusing on that idea. It can be hard, but it is just as rewarding in the end.

[MeandThee29]

I think that a lot of us here were raised with the idea and belief that most people are good, trustworthy, and loyal. And we take it personally when they aren't. The reality is that how other people behave really has nothing to do with us. Moving on has a lot to do with focusing on that idea. It can be hard, but it is just as rewarding in the end.

I saw my counsellor yesterday, and this is one of the themes she touched on. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and a passive father, and then married a man who developed aspects of PTSD, BPD, and NPD. So I have major trust issues with those closest to me. She's been pushing me hard to forgive, incorporate the lessons learned, and move on. She also dug into some very deep things that happened this year that she asked point blank about. She's more intuitive that way than anyone I've ever seen. I sat in the car afterwards in one of those "wow" moments. But I felt so much better afterwards and slept really, really well.

[ynwa]

Finding trust and understanding in ourselves after any relationship is probably hard for all of us right?  We are literally missing a piece of our lives, that is still somewhere out there, but just out of reach.

I think that the extra things we go through with someone who has traits of BPD, makes that loss much more intense. I have had a hard time trusting and understanding that the ways others look at me and accept me, is less intense but warmer and more real.  It is not filled with up and downs, its quiet and honestly boring.

But we are probably learning to live our lives at our own speed, cautious and careful, because we had been pressed so hard in our relationships, going so far out of our own selves, pushed to places we thought or felt were necessary.  When that BPD person moves out of our lives, its hard to do it differently. 

[40days_in_desert]

Hey BluntForceTrauma... .Good choice on the profile name. It can feel like you've been hit in the head with a blunt object when you're in the situation that you're in. I was there and I can relate to how you feel. When it was all said and done, I found out that my ex had been in some kind of contact with my replacement at least six years before we separated. He was her first boyfriend, first sexual partner and first "love". We were together for 17 years. I had thoughts that tormented me like maybe she never really loved me but secretly loved him or maybe she thought of him every time she closed her eyes when we had sex. Those thoughts don't enter my head now. One of the main ingredients for getting better is time. It's been two and a half years for me and I am in a far better place emotionally now.

Other ingredients to the recipe of getting better that helped me but not necessarily in any order:

 * Find a good therapist (T). There are resources on this site to help you what to look for when finding one.
 * Have or find at least one friend to just hang out with. Someone who will be there for you when you need to talk. 
 * Find a hobby, preferably some sort of physical activity. 
 * Eat a healthy diet. Pretty self explanatory... .
 * Don't enter another romantic relationship for a while. A "while" is different for each person but for me, healthy dating was possible around year two. 
 * Don't try to numb the sadness. Allow yourself to grieve the end of your relationship. 
 * Social drinking is one thing but I would stay away from alcohol and illegal drugs (not assuming that you do or plan to).
 * Try to limit time spent with people who want to simply "bash" your ex and blame them for all that is wrong. 
 * Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal. 
 * Of course spending time on this site is valuable. I joined about a year and a half ago but only post periodically. It helped me to see how similar my situation was to so many on here. Helped me determine that I wasn't going "crazy".
* I am a Christian. I am not proposing, recruiting or advocating here. Having said that, reading my bible, praying for increasing humility and greater capacity to forgive were and still are essential to my recovery and growth.

This is not from a professional's perspective and not an all inclusive list but is part of what helped me in my recovery process. I hope something here benefits you.

40days