Abandonment, jealousy, and sabotage

[Furbaby Mom]

Hello,
I have posted before about my 2 SIL's who have many BPD traits.  After a few months of relative calmness, a situation arose where both SIL's acted out.  I had a birthday party and since it was a big birthday, my husband threw me a bigger than average party.  I invited family, friends, and coworkers.  SIL 1 had made a decent effort with me to work toward being nice to me so we invited her and her bf.  SIL 2 had not spoken to me or my husband since last year when she told both of us what we can do with ourselves.  We did not make an effort to reach out either, mainly to save our relationship (we are newly married and she made it crystal clear she did not want him to marry me).  My husband and I chose (if he wanted her there, he overrides my decision because it is his sister and we have agreed to that) to not invite her.
This caused possibly more drama than us getting married.
All of the sudden, SIL 2 wanted to talk to me, wanted to get together, her bf was borderline harassing my husband at work to get me and SIL 2 together, SIL 1 was borderline harassing my husband to get SIL 2 invited, etc.  It was nonstop day night texts about how we are breaking up the family.  I stood by my decision to not invite her, but did talk with her and felt the conversation helped.  The following day, I saw a post on social media by SIL 1 with a caption that was made to mock me... .indirectly of course.
My husband lost it on both of them because SIL 2 commented on the picture.  The party passes and we were cordial with SIL 1, but not gushy which of course was a HUGE problem and she called my husband to tell him how I really am when he is not looking... .I "didn't dance with her, ignored her, etc."  none of which are true. 
My husband sat on the phone with her for 2 hours trying to get her to admit to some piece of the drama and after MANY angry and disgusting statements later, she admitted to it.
SIL 1 admitted that she takes her anger out on me because she believes I took her place in the family.  She hates that their family embraces me and is proud of me.  She admitted to be being jealous and to sabotaging me online.  She really did damage to relationships with her family members, mainly her dad, who has decided to go NC with her for a little while.  She blames me for that as well and admitted to that.
I thought it was huge of her to admit those things and honestly, gave her a lot of credit... .even though she did not say it to me but to her brother.  The next day though, she called him back and said she's sick of being the family scapegoat and needs to step away from all of us because we cause her drama (obviously she turned things around). 
I feel sad and really unsure about things right now with his sisters.  SIL 2 stopped talking to me and reamed her brother out on the phone for us holding her accountable for commenting on a post meant to hurt me.  He ended up blocking her number because she was not stopping with him.  SIL 1 took such a big step, but then took it back. 
I am unsure how to feel about SIL 1 and if I should give her credit for the apology or not if I see her in person.  She's so unpredictable that I don't want to stir the pot at all.  Being in it makes it so hard to acknowledge the mental health issues obviously present.

[Kwamina]

Hi Furbaby Mom

Dealing with one BPD person can be challenging enough, let alone two. Considering how your SIL's behave, I can understand why you would want to take measures to protect your and your family's well-being. It's frustrating because they are of course your husband's sisters, unfortunately their own behavior is making it hard to have a stable relationship with them.

I am unsure how to feel about SIL 1 and if I should give her credit for the apology or not if I see her in person.  She's so unpredictable that I don't want to stir the pot at all.  Being in it makes it so hard to acknowledge the mental health issues obviously present.

It is certainly very interesting that she admitted feeling the way she does and behaving a certain manner toward you. This perhaps does give you and your husband a brief window into her mind, it is sad though that her thinking and perception continues to be so distorted.

Perhaps give yourself some time to think about how you would like to move forward with your SIL's. Sveral days have passed since you made this post, how are you feeling now?

Are there any new developments with your SIL's?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Furbaby Mom]

Thank you for your response.  I continue to find this site so helpful for me, even just reading through other people's comments and issues.  It gives perspective, which is necessary.

I feel like I am back in the same position as before.  I do not feel like I can take what SIL 1 said as truth because she has decided to ignore both me and my husband.  We are going through a lot right now (financially and personally) and it makes me very angry that his sisters cannot be there to support him, however, I am finding the quiet to be really nice.  Of course, I am on edge because the mood can shift and she can reach out at any moment with a mini or significant drama.  My biggest concern of course with her is drug use seeing as though she was a very active heroine user in the past and never sought full treatment.  When she goes radio silent it worries me, but then a piece of me feels like that is her game.  Sad to say that despite my knowledge about mental health, I feel like it is a game and we are her pawns at times. 

I want it to be different, but they cannot be changed.  We will probably have to manage these relationships at all times.  I know my husband is sad they are not in his life right now, but we don't feel like we have an option due to their behavior.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Furbaby Mom

I want it to be different, but they cannot be changed.  We will probably have to manage these relationships at all times.  I know my husband is sad they are not in his life right now, but we don't feel like we have an option due to their behavior.

It is sad indeed how difficult it can be dealing with BPD family-members. Your SIL's might still change, but whether they do or not, is unfortunately indeed not something you can control. What you and your husband can do though is focus on your own behavior and how you respond to your SIL's and I think the tools described on this site can help with that. The key word in all of this is indeed 'management', the disorder likely won't go away so managing the relationships as best we can, is what then remains to navigate our way through this BPD experience.