Mother of my children has BPD

[Onami]

Hi,

I was in a relationship for 9 years with a woman with (undiagnosed) BPD. I wasn't aware of this at the time, and I believed her that something was wrong with me.
I tried to leave several times towards the last 3 years of the relationship, but the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt kept me feeling trapped. We had (have) two kids together.

Since then, I've gotten help and I've done a lot of inner work. I'm in a much better place. I'm much stronger and self-aware. 


I'm here to hopefully find some advice on how to proceed with custody proceedings and protecting myself and my kids.

This year she is engaged to another man. They bought a house and moved 80 mins away from where I currently live. I've opened up a business in that area as I transition to living out there as well. It's going well, but not enough to support the move quite yet. I'm planning on moving into the same school district so I can regain more time with my kids.

With our current living arrangement, our custody agreement isn't accurate and doesn't really protect me.
Recently (and this has happened in the past, but is more prevalent now that I'm further away) she behaves as though her moods determine visitation and that she has the final say in the matter. I can't keep living like this, as it disrupts my life and the kids' lives.

Navigating the waves of rage from her, while trying to keep the kids' environment as healthy as I can is tough. I'm thankful for the support here.

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like you'll need to go to court to get the agreement updated and loopholes closed.  You're right, most of us have faced a controlling and entitled ex who totally believes "her moods determine visitation".  Really, though, domestic court is The Real Authority.  However, it's hard to get the court to sit up and take notice of an obstructive pattern of behaviors.  Apparently courts expect small tweaks will fix things and the conflict will just go away.  (With most divorces that is what happens but not the case with out persistently high conflict cases impacted by an acting out PD.)  It may take repeated obstructions to convince the court to make adequate changes.

Is the agreement you have enforceable, that is, is it filed with the court as a court order?  Do you have documentation of the times she has violated the agreement?  Make sure you don't give in and agree to her demands since that would weaken your complaints in court.  So boundaries are important.  You can't stop her from being entitled but at least don't cave to it.  As a Boundary, you can state you don't agree with her demands or terms and leave it at that.  Understand that the longer she has everything on her terms, the more of an uphill struggle you will have to stop her from ruling the status quo.

I presume you had a family law attorney before.  Understand that not all lawyers can adequately handle high conflict custodial issues.  Some are form filers and hand holders who depend upon settlements.  While most cases do end up with settlements, you need an experienced, proactive, problem solving lawyer in our sorts of cases.  Ponder whether you need to seek out a more capable lawyer.