Is this 'normal'?

[Asmodeus]

So after reading through a ton of posts on here it seems most common for BPD partners to settle down a bit a few hours after raging... .However in my case when my boyfriend is 'triggered' by something it often lasts for over a week even after the 'breakup' (which happens every single time without fail unless I am lucky enough to settle him down right away) he will continue raging (once was a full month however there was another person involved that time making things worse)... .is that normal? is it possibly due to how i'm handling it? does it just mean he's incredibly severe? That's the part that drives me most insane. It's like I'm in a part-time relationship and it gets incredibly lonely.

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[JoeBPD81]

My gf also takes a week many times, and some bad things last months. Her situation is very unstable (job, income, health... .) and she faces high levels of stress everyday, with 2 ADHD kids with behavior problems. So I think stress is a huge factor.

Is your Bf under a lot of stress?

Don't blame yourself. Instead think about it as you can learn to make it better. We are not supposed to know how to deal with this complicated disorder, until we learn, and we practice, and we know our partner a lot.

Are there here more people whose SOs take more than a week to regulate themselves?

Just while I was writing my gf texted me that she doesn't feel the pattern of episodes lasting some hours and rarely more than a day. She fears there is something else besides BPD.

[Enabler]

If you look at the cascade model it can become self feeding, negative emotion, rumination, maladaptive response to irradicate negative emotion, guilt and shame about maladapted response... .more negative emotions, more rumination, dissociation... .paranoia etc etc. There's some good flow diagrams of the response online. In my experience it really depends on how they respond and deal with stimuli... .the greater the rumination and more maladaptive the coping mechanism for negative emotions the deeper the cycle. The introduction of dissociation and paranoia can greatly magnify the detachment from "reality".

Also, I don't underestimate my own behavioural response contributing to the perpetuation of the cycle. I for example am a reactive non of the worst kind. I want things to be right, I want to address the response I want to bring things out in the open, I guilt, I shame, which furthers the cycle and deepens the catastrophe making it harder for my wife to come out of the emotional hole without having to face her guilt and shame... .until I found BPD I did not know what I was doing so heinously wrong.

I dear dear late friend of mine said earlier in the year that "there's a Japanese saying, always give your enemy an escape route". I don't class my wife as the enemy (although o guess I have considered the fight to be a battle to win/lose. Firstly a relationship shouldn't be a batttle but secondly, give them a shame/guilt free out and think of the bigger picture.

[Frankee]

I thought I use to know what normal is.  That idea has long been gone.  My BPH does this George of the Jungle emotional swinging.  He has episodes that can last a few days or longer.  The thing with him is there is a dramatic up and down points during this time.   

He will explode, carry on about how I am the worse person alive that just likes to make things 10 times harder than supposed to be.  Then he will leave, come back and be centered.  I use to think that he was over whatever caused the explosion.  It's temporary, the next moment something irritates him, he's flipped back to anger mode.   He blames me for him acting that way.  Said if didn't do what I was doing, he wouldn't act that way.  This may go on for a few days.  Up and down.

What I've noticed is that there is no set time length for these episodes.  Some times, he will be fine within a few hours.

Biggest thing though, don't blame yourself. You are not responsible for his actions, his moods, or how he handles things.  It took me a hard time to accept that.  I still have trouble.  All you can do is learn about the disorder.  It does get lonely, but you are not alone in this difficult path.  It's not easy loving someone with BPD.  I have learned a lot since I have joined this forum.  There is always someone going through very similar situation. 

[Asmodeus]

My gf also takes a week many times, and some bad things last months. Her situation is very unstable (job, income, health... .) and she faces high levels of stress everyday, with 2 ADHD kids with behavior problems. So I think stress is a huge factor.

Is your Bf under a lot of stress?

Don't blame yourself. Instead think about it as you can learn to make it better. We are not supposed to know how to deal with this complicated disorder, until we learn, and we practice, and we know our partner a lot.

Are there here more people whose SOs take more than a week to regulate themselves?

Just while I was writing my gf texted me that she doesn't feel the pattern of episodes lasting some hours and rarely more than a day. She fears there is something else besides BPD.

Stress is possibly a factor. He's been out of work for a while (lost his job due to his poor mental health and being unable to work properly). I have spoken to his ex-wife (they were still in the divorce process and in contact when he was admitted to the hospital back in July so I felt I should tell her) and she said that he's always had symptoms of BPD and that was the main reason she left because she couldn't handle the anger anymore however apparently recently he's been far worse then he ever was in their relationship. So there was clearly something that must have caused it to get worse in the past year or so...

[Chosen]

I'd had my uBPDh rage for hours, days to weeks, depending on many factors.  Obviously one of the factors will be how I handle it- if I feed on his negative emotions (giving him fuel to rage on), then it will likely go on longer.  But it also depends on other factors such as whether he managed to get rest, how many stressful things are happening in his life at that moment, and so on. 

Just like nons, I find that pwBPDs sometimes regulate their emotions a bit better, and they can go from 100% rage to 0% in a matter of, say, 30 minutes.  However, sometimes they seem to be "enjoying" the rages, and would fluctuate from 100% to 50%, then 80%, then 20%... .until they get bored of it or too tired or distracted and the rages finally subside.

[Frankee]

However, sometimes they seem to be "enjoying" the rages, and would fluctuate from 100% to 50%, then 80%, then 20%... .until they get bored of it or too tired or distracted and the rages finally subside.

I agree with this.  It almost feels like there are times when my H looks for reasons to get angry and rage about.  When I answered "wrong" or didn't say the "right" thing,  he would blow up.

[Asmodeus]

I agree with this.  It almost feels like there are times when my H looks for reasons to get angry and rage about.  When I answered "wrong" or didn't say the "right" thing,  he would blow up.

I've noticed this too. He'll flip out and then tell me he's "not turning it off" on purpose almost as if he's using his insanity as a defence mechanism or as a way to 'punish' me for whatever I apparently did wrong.

[JoeBPD81]

almost as if he's using his insanity as a defence mechanism

That's exactly what it is. Anger is a more manageable emotion, more active than fear, shame, sadness, humiliation, void... .So when in danger of having those crippling (for them) emotions, they turn to anger instead, to avoid the pain.

In therapy they teach them to tell themselves to feel the emotion instead, that it is not going to kill them. But for them it feels like if they give up to those emotions, they are in mortal danger. While with anger, they are in control (illusion of control). They also train in therapy other healthy mechanisms to tolerate distress.

[Frankee]

Besides BPD, I would also suggest reading up on why people get angry.  I not only did that to understand why my H always turned to angry when it seemed other emotions were appropriate, but to understand why I got angry.  I found that in response to his anger, there were times my response was anger.  Joe is right.  Anger is more active, more of the illusion of control.  When my H gets angry and if I cower, it gives him the illusion that he's controlling the situation.  If I respond in a more centered, calm, inquisitive mode, it seems to help put out the flames (most of the time).

About the "being punished", I get that alot too.  Do the phrases, ":)o you like me acting this, If you didn't do this, I wouldn't act like this, If you would just stop, You do it on purpose to make me angry, If you keep doing X then I'm not going to stop yelling and screaming" sound familiar?  I just have to tell myself when he flies off the handle that I am not responsbile for his reactions and emotions, I am only responsible for how I react and respond. 

I recently flew off the handle with my H.  I was blind sided by one of his verbal attacks and I snapped.  I was literally standing in the kitchen with our youngest and came out like a bull in a china shop, hollering about how we woke him up.  The anger adrenaline kicked in and I puffed up and got in his face.  We had a good screaming match where I told him I wasn't taking anymore of his sh**, etc.  When I realized that I was handling the situation very poorly, I was able to bring myself back down to a calm center within minutes.  My H wasn't able to see that breaking point and he kept going.  That in turn made him more furious and he accussed me of ramping him up on purpose and that I was trying to turn our youngest against him and make him out to be the monster.

Anyways, where I was going with this.  I was responsible for my actions.  I reacted in a very negative way.  I was able to see what I was doing and could see the situation was escalating.  I was able to take a step back and see things were getting out of hand and I needed to bring it down.  My H doesn't have that switch where he can see that.  Once he starts raging, there is no reasoning, no talking, no "working it out" when he is in that state of mind.  All I can do at that point is control my reactions and responses and hope that he burns it out of his system.