Adult daughter diagnosed BP and BPD

[lightlove]

My adult daughter was diagnosed with BP and BPD several years ago.  I haven't spoken with her in 2 years. I literally had to tell her psychiatrist that I couldn't have a relationship with her anymore due to her erratic behavior. the lies she was telling, and the self harm that was going on. My late husband and I lived an absolute nightmare with her for several years.  She completed medical school and  was in her final year of a surgical residency when we picked up on the signs of a mental illness.  Self harm, lying, constant personal drama, a DUI, 2 failed engagements, and then she began abusing us verbally.  This has torn our family apart physically, emotionally, and mentally.  My husband spent the last year of his life trying to get her help and find out what was wrong with her.  I spent the first month after his death being abused verbally by her, and then being accused of horrible things which were all lies. I have spent many hours trying to figure out what in her life caused her BPD.  We were a close family, mainly because my husband had been so ill and because she had had a chronic physical condition since childhood.  We did not neglect or abuse her, yet so much of what I've read states that most people with BPD had terrible childhoods  with trauma.  I can honestly say our child didn't.   I hope that I can find some other parent out there who know they were good parents and who can help me get past the pain and hurt.  I feel so betrayed by the lies she's told and is telling. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Lightlove.  Here is a hug... ..  Nice to have you "on board" and hope you find some comfort in knowing you are certainly not alone in dealing with a child who exhibits hurtful BPD behaviours.

I am in my mid 70's, my uBPD daughter now 52.  Our troubles started when she was just 12 and first started running away.  We have helped her through broken marriages, child custody battles, money problems, on and on and on!  So... .a lot of history behind me... .and I know some of your pain.

When you write... ."much of what I've read states that most people with BPD had terrible childhoods with trauma"... .I, like you, can truthfully say that was not the case with our daughter.  The only "trauma" she may have experienced was because of what she had caused.  Our family life always depended on her moods.  When she was in a "good space" family life could be great.  The shoe could drop in the blink of an eye, though, ... .the rest of us asking... .what?... .why?  I have seen her work on destroying others... .she has conjured up hurtful lies to do the same to me.  I, her Mom, have been her saviour... .but mostly her nemesis.

While our daughter has been to so many counsellors over all this time, never to a professional who could give a diagnosis of BPD but the check marks are there.  The counsellors?  Each one she found would start off being her hero... .then would be cut off.  I assume that was because a finger would soon be pointed in her direction.

So, Lightlove, back to OUR pain.  With all those years behind me, with times of sometime wondering if life was even worth living, it wasn't until in recent years that I got a grip on myself... .realized that it was up to me, alone, to make life better... .for me.  I couldn't change her but I could change me.  The first thing I had to start working on was to accept that this was my life... .no wishing for something different.  I went to counselling for myself.  I am confident in knowing that I was the best mother I knew how to be... .and when I knew better... .I did better.  No guilt!

I am not going to lie to you by saying all is always bright in my world but life is now worth living.  I, like you, am a Mom and will always be her Mom.  Because of my daughter's escalating verbal abuse (which could well turn to physical abuse... .and I am in my later years), I have had to distance myself from her.  The door is not closed because I told her the next time we meet had to be in a counsellor's office and that statement set off a real storm.

So, Lightlove, I urge you to stay with us here... .keep posting.  We help each other.  I see that you have already responded to someone else's post.   That is a hug you have passed along.

[wendydarling]

Hi Lightlove 

I join Huat welcoming you to the family, I'm so sorry you lost your husband and in such tough and heart breaking circumstances, he did his best for you and your daughter, a good man you must miss him dearly  , I'm glad you found us for support, we are here for you.

It's been a journey of learning for me - and it's given me strength and hope, like many parents here to understand my sensitive daughter - why she has a BPD diagnosis, it was my starting point, I'd like to share this discussion with you, as we often ask ourselves
Did I cause this? when we arrive here.

I encourage you to keep posting it really helps us work through together.

WDx  

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there Lightlove  
I too am a believer that my BPD DD 17 has been raised in this world by two pretty standard parents who have done the absolute best we could for our daughters . Are we perfect ? God no ! Did we make huge mistakes when they were growing up ? Honestly , not that I can think of . I’m sure we did our fair share of invalidation at times , but there really isn’t anything that jumps out and screams at me that we did with our parenting styles that may have caused our daughter to have this horrible mental illness . I really don’t see that our parenting style was anything out of the ordinary . I thought we were a close , strong family with everything going for us , leading “ the good life “ and giving our daughters as many opportunities to see and experience the world .
What we DID do however that most definitely played a part in creating some instability for our daughter at crucial ages ; We emigrated when she was 10 . She seemed to cope with that move very well . Settled quickly into our new home country and we didn’t notice any issues .  We then moved again when she was 15 , across State , and that’s when we entered the pits of  hell !. If we had known then , what we do now , we certainly would not have made that second move . Regardless of how I try to be kind to myself and absolve myself of all guilt , that does eat away ... .” If only we hadn’t moved that second time , we were pushing our luck , we created this instability “.
What’s done is done however , we can’t roll back time . I can’t beat myself and my husband up forever, and as my other daughter points out , she’s been moved around too and is a very  stable  , “ normal” girl , even though she went through some difficult times too with adjusting .
At the end of the day , I think I’ve come to terms with my role in potentially creating this instability . Had I known , then We wouldn’t have moved . It’s as simple as that . I’ve accepted that the longer  I hang on to any guilt , the worse I feel , then it reflects in my own behaviors . And that’s not helpful to my DD reaching her potential for contentment and stability .

Hang on in there , it certainly helps to share experiences here and to know you’re not alone x