Learned a quick lesson on Communication just now

[DaddyBear77]

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend to all of you in the US - I hope everyone, regardless of geography, is enjoying time with friends and family. We have difficult relationships to deal with, but I think it’s important to enjoy the times we CAN enjoy. So I hope that’s happening for you.

I know I have another thread going but I had a little minor “flare up” that made it clear how important communication is. It was a really minor incident and, so far, nothing major has come of it.

My wife was in the bedroom with the door closed. I needed my bath towel from the room so I knocked. She said “just a minute!” And I said “ok. I just need my towel.” She snapped back “Yes, I know! I said just a minute! Go away!” I said “Wow! Ok, fine!”

Later, it became clear that what she heard was me saying “no, I will NOT wait! I need my towel now!” Really, what I THOUGHT I was saying was “No problem. Nothing important. I’ll just grab my towel when you’re done.”

But here’s the thing: “I just need my towel” does NOT automatically translate into “No problem. I’ll wait” - she has a valid point!

Now, the question is, even if I had been crystal clear, would she still have snapped? Maybe, but, how would I really ever know if I didn’t pay attention to my own communication style and at least try a different approach?

I think this little example is part of the essence of why learning communication tools is so important. We DO have the ability to influence our situation and sometimes all it takes is a little more attention to the details.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

its a good point you make DB, and a great example.

i run into this one all the time with people who do not have BPD traits. for example, ive found if i complain about something, people think i am telling them "this is your responsibility, fix it," or otherwise putting pressure on them, which is not at all what i intend to communicate.

we can be communication "experts" and still get our wires crossed with people, of course. "good" communication gives us the best/likeliest chance of getting our message across, but people differ, obviously, and perceive certain messages differently.

and when that happens, its also important how we respond next.

[Notwendy]

While I agree we can work on communication, we are not able to control someone else's interpretation of what we say. I think someone who is experiencing the kind of inner pain and projection that pw PBD have can take what people say into "evidence" of what they believe is happening.

I have had well intentioned statements misinterpreted. It is frustrating.

The part I think we can most control is our reaction and what we say back. Looking at this conversation- you meant to say, no big deal about the towel. We can't read minds, but somehow your wife seemed irritated by the statement and snapped back at you. Then, her statement seemed to upset you and you said "wow OK fine" which reflected your feelings.

While we don't have to tolerate abuse, I also don't think we need to act on, or reply to, someone's small off the cuff snap like this. I think it helps to have boundaries- whose feelings are this? Hers. You didn't necessarily cause her to feel this way. It was her interpretation of what you said. That isn't your thinking or intention.

If you were walking down the street and a stranger snapped at you, how would you interpret this? You might think - this person is having a bad day. You could think this has nothing to do with you.

It is also possible that your wife was irritated about something else and just didn't want to be bothered at the moment.

It has helped me to think of these things as - well that person is having a bad day, or a bad moment, or is just irritable in the moment, and let these moments go.  If we pay attention to our own feelings- are we irritated by the response - and then just take a moment to think "I need to calm down before I reply" we can reduce the drama.

[heartandwhole]

Hi DaddyBear77,

Thanks for sharing this insight. It’s an important point, in my view. In my own experience, pwBPD once told me how he felt (hurt) after an offhand comment I made, which I felt was a funny comment. He was responsible for his feelings, of course, but when he brought it to my attention, it opened my eyes, because I could see how it might have seemed like a criticism. It also got me to look at how and why I communicate. In that instance, perhaps I was actually trying to minimize his ability, and that was a fruitful experience for me to look at how automatic some of my communication habits can be.

Also, I think every one of us can improve our communication, especially in close relationships where clarity can get so lost in emotional assumptions.

heartandwhole

[DaddyBear77]

that was a fruitful experience for me to look at how automatic some of my communication habits can be.

heartandwhole That’s a really great point and I think it’s similar to the point Notwendy is making.

I’ve struggled for years wondering when my wife was finally going to “get” I wasn’t out to get her. But the truth I have to accept is, it may never happen. Stay together, get a divorce, hire a skywriting team to spell it out over her head - she’ll probably never take what I say as loving.

But, if I just stubbornly keep using the same automatic call and response, I’m just as guilty of failing to change my assumptions.