Hurting mother

[Bmomma]

I have been saying since my daughter was 13 that there was something “wrong” with her.  I have been searching almost 20 years to find out what it is.  For some reason, i stumbled on BPD/NPD
and it is a fit.  She is very high functioning - she just finished her getting a PhD... but her list of symptoms are undeniable - i think:
Unstable relationships
Unstable self image
Impulsive, self destructive behaviors
Self harm
Extreme emotional swings
Depression and anxiety
Has to be center of attention
Dramatic and over emotional

I of course feel guilty for so many reasons, the most current: that it took my 20 years to figure out what was wrong... .now i don’t know how to get her the help she needs.  Since she has a PhD in psychology, she thinks every therapist and psychologist are “stupid”... she recently agreed to see a therapist, he terminated her as a patient - proving to her that going to a therapist was a huge mistake.

I’m sure I can’t come out and say, honey, i think you have BPD/NPD ... she would hang me.

I am devastated; my heart breaks for her, and me...   i don’t know how to get her help... i don’t know how to explain to others in our family that she has a “disease”... i just don’t know anything anymore...

She is moving home after being gone 12 years (getting master, PhD),  she is going to stay with her father because I just can’t have her live with me - and of course i feel guilty about that.

I’m scared what it will be like having her life 10 minutes away... .

But mostly my heart breaks for my child...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Bmomma

Welcome to the community.    Many parents here have been searching like you for so long what it is, my 29 DD was diagnosed 2.5 years ago and we've made strides ahead. It sounds like there is something happening for her -  your daughter is coming home after 12 years - staying with her father, do you know what's prompted this?  

We understand and are here for you, you are not alone  

Hope

WDx  

[Huat]

Hi Bmomma.  Glad you found this forum.

"Hurt" is expressed a lot on/in this forum.  On this board it is us parents who love our children so much and want/wish for the same in return.  Yep, it can hurt when it doesn't happen.  This is certainly not what we envisioned for our futures as we held our babies in our arms, is it?

Our daughter was 12 (now 52) when she first starting exhibiting behaviours that left us dumbfounded.  There was little/no information for us (probably not for you either) on different mental illnesses in those early years.  Our daughter was considered head-strong, belligerent... .anything but never "mental illness" mentioned until one counsellor came up with the phrase "Borderline Personality Disorder" and recommended we look for and read a book titled, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  WOW!  As I read, I kept thinking I would see her name in print in that book.  I can remember crying as I read because I felt validation... .finally!

You write that you feel "guilty"... .and I shake my head.  Guilt will keep you victimized and unable to move forward in helping your daughter and yourself.  If you accept guilt, you are saying that from the start you set out to do harm.  I don't think so!  I would say you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time... .and when you knew better... .you did better... .and you will more than likely continue to do so.

You write that, after 12 years, your daughter is moving back to your area and she will be living with her father... .not you.  You have thought out and set a boundary for yourself.  That is a good thing!  Nothing to feel guilty about.  She is not a chdild.  She will have a roof over her head and she will be with her father.  You can still have a meaningful relationship.

There is so much information on this website about how to help yourself to better deal with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours.  It takes work to change but if what you have been doing in the past hasn't worked... .change is in order.  You can't change your daughter, Bmomma, but you can change you.  You have to look after yourself first.

Hope you stick with us, Bmomma.  Lots to gain... .nothing to lose... .and here is a hug  from me to you.

[cocopho]

Wow!
Same in every way, except my uBPDd lives on her own. PhD psychologist. Knew there was some tough things going on for her from very early. At this moment, she is No Contact with me and brought her brother, who I am very tight with, into a perfect KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE.  Now, he too, NC with me. It is impossible.
Do not tell your PhD psych daughter she is BPD. She will only hate it and call you out for same. I can not believe there is another Mom with BPD PSYCHOLOGIST DAUGHTER. Mine is 34. When she was growing up, I used to feel so proud of myself for dealing with the unending crisis after crisis. I used to think if I provide “unconditional love” everything would work out. Well, I guess the thought is good, but she has now caused more damage to our fragile family than I ever thought possible. Still I have to believe that even this awful situation we are in will pass and I am proud of her a heivments.   Very Proud. As to the distress and confusion I have felt these long years, her pain must be far worse. I am missing her. Will reach out after a little while to give her the space she wants away from me right now. I feel like we would have stories to tell that would be much alike!