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[Keys4fam]

Hi
This is my first post to a message board. Ive recently learned that my spouse has BPD. All a little too late as I have been suffering for 11 years in this relationship never feeling like it was quite right. I should have recognized and dealt with it earlier but I️ believed he truly did love me and that I loved him too. Sometimes i felt the wrath was deserved. I did not realize the pain that my husband’s patterns of behavior were really causing until I started an affair. The affair gave me my emotions back and I experienced love again. It is of course the wrong way to handle things but  early on remember thinking maybe this hidden relationship could help my marriage. I was desperate to feel something again. Now we’ve decided to live apart for a year and work on our issues. Is it even possible for him to forgive me after the affair? I’m also so scared to go back to the dark place if we reunite. And I’m scared that my kids will impacted by BPD. I’m afraid one of my kids is already exhibiting the behaviors of BPD.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I want to apologize for the delayed response. Let me welcome you here to the  bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

I can relate to what you describe that lead you to your affair, I went through almost the same process and reached out to another woman for support, validation, and an emotional connection that was missing in my relationship. Like you, I wanted to feel again. It's happened to many of us around here.

It is possible to rebuild the trust that has been broken in your relationship. Doing so takes time, but it can be done.

Who decided to separate? Do you have steady, regular communication? What's the current status of things?

I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help you make the right decisions. Please read the articles and workshops - they will give you some good skills at communicating.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

[flourdust]

I also say welcome!

That's a rough situation - not that you need me to tell you that! When you say you're going to work on your issues while separated, what does that mean? Are you guys seeing a counselor?

[pearlsw]

Hi Key4fam,

Yes, you will definitely find many of us here who relate to and share your struggles! I wish I had understand sooner why my husband was being so awful towards me - it would have helped head off things getting even worse. I got to a point where, after hundreds of breakups and a lot of mistreatment, I didn't even see my relationship as being valid or quite real anymore and that's all it takes to create an opening for more complications in life!

Is your affair completely over or do you have some lingering feelings/issues there to sort out?

Has it been sorted out where the kids will be? Does your husband want to make an effort to work things out?

I sincerely hope you will keep posting and sharing about these issues, and I really appreciate your frankness, because it gives us all a chance to learn and grow from these struggles!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[AskingWhy]

Key4fam, welcome to the site.  I hope you will find some answers here.

Feeling as you do, that something is "not quite right," is the first sign that something is wrong.  You are right to have suspicions.

As you have an immediate concern, I have some ideas.

First off, as you suspect your H is BPD, I recommend you get into counseling for yourself and examine why you had the affair.  In counseling, you can develop strategies for yourself and also to help you children.

Tread carefully.