What to say, how to validate

[Lakebreeze]

I'll start on a high note; we made it to Thanksgiving night with no raging and no melt downs. It was nothing short of a miracle.
Here is the situation I need some insight on. uBPD h and I are lying in bed, it's late, we just got done hosting 20 guests for Thanksgiving dinner. Exhausted doesn't even do it justice. I thank him for all his help and express pride at how well we worked together. I'm falling asleep and my spouse starts in on what a horrible loveless marriage he is in. How terrible our relationship makes him feel. How this is not what a marriage is supposed to feel like and that the 6 years of our marriage have been a waste of his time and effort. That I am only staying for his paycheck and the kids, all the wrong reasons... .
Well you get the idea. I was tired and felt a little hurt by all this and didn't say anything except. "Hmmm, ok, I see." Then he rolled over and went to sleep and I laid there for hours like an insomniac.
I have heard this so many times. This same rant. I  used to get upset, mad. Now that I know more about BPD I keep quiet but I always feel so hurt and frustrated in the moment that I can't come up with any healthy validating response. Any ideas?
Thanks in advance.

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[waverider]

Not sure you need a validating response he ended it and went to sleep. The issue is how do you let it wash so you are not laying there awake thinking of how you could feel more validated.

It is self validation you need to help you let go of the frustration.

Did it continue in that theme in the morning or was it just one of those flippant parting shots before he went to sleep.?

[pearlsw]

Hi Lakebreeze, Perhaps as a counter to all of your hurt and frustration you can spend that restless time putting positive thoughts into your own head to keep your spirits up.   If your mind is gonna spin around might as well let it be nice.

I'd start with: "I hosted a big dinner and fed 20 people! I'm awesome! I made special memories for 20 people. I brought people together and that feels great."

I'd go to the end of the list and keep going! "I didn't get any stains on my clothes! Yay me! I didn't eat the WHOLE pie! I got to eat the turkey skin!"  Whatever it takes. "I'm gonna have turkey sandwiches tomorrow! I'm a queen!" Then I'd be silly: "I wonder what I look like with whipped cream on top of my head like a piece of pie?"  (Hope you don't mind my silliness!)

warm wishes to you!  

[Lakebreeze]

Did it continue in that theme in the morning or was it just one of those flippant parting shots before he went to sleep.?

No mention of it in the morning. Thanks waverider for the insight. I think you are right,  here I am trying to figure out how to validate him when I should have spent that unsettling time validating myself. hmmm I think you are on to something. Now to train myself to do it!

[Lakebreeze]

If your mind is gonna spin around might as well let it be nice.

I'd start with: "I hosted a big dinner and fed 20 people! I'm awesome! I made special memories for 20 people. I brought people together and that feels great."

I'd go to the end of the list and keep going! "I didn't get any stains on my clothes! Yay me! I didn't eat the WHOLE pie! I got to eat the turkey skin!"  Whatever it takes. "I'm gonna have turkey sandwiches tomorrow! I'm a queen!" Then I'd be silly: "I wonder what I look like with whipped cream on top of my head like a piece of pie?"  (Hope you don't mind my silliness!)

warm wishes to you!  

I like this. This will help

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lakebreeze,

Congratulations on making it through Thanksgiving without any meltdowns! That is an amazing feat, hosting 20 people, even without the challenges of BPD symptoms to deal with.  

I think moving toward, and validating, yourself in such a situation is a great idea. I also recommend a big dose of self-compassion at those times. You might like to check out Kristin Neff, PhD's work on it (a search on Youtube brings lots of video choices). It really resonated with me.

Self compassion is a way of acknowledging our suffering (hurt) with tenderness and kindness, and understanding that as humans, we all, every single one of us, have those moments.

Here's Neff on Self-Compassion:

"In order to have self-compassion, we have to be willing to turn toward and acknowledge our suffering. Typically, we don't want to do that. We want to avoid it, we don't want to think about it, and want to go straight into problem-solving."

I agree with waverider's comment that it didn't seem as if your husband needed validating right then. It sounds like he needed to express some of his feelings/thoughts (maybe from the stress of hosting so many people?) and afterward he felt relieved and could go right to sleep. That fact that you noticed that you felt hurt is important, in my view. We don't have to ignore that. We can learn to comfort and validate ourself.

heartandwhole

[Lakebreeze]

heartandwhole,
I watched a TED talk by Kristen Need this afternoon. Excellent! And always exciting to find ways I can grow, with help on how to get there. Thank you for the kind words and the great recommendation.

[waverider]

Very likely his issue weren't even about your failures but his own, and he merely projected them on you to let them out. Once purged of them it settled him.

Debating them with him would simply have validated the failures as actually being yours.

Building your own solid foundations and letting the wind blow by is often the better policy

[Radcliff]

Hi Lakebreeze!  It's been a while.  Sorry to be scarce.  How's the puppy?

Congratulations on hosting Thanksgiving!  I am so sorry you weren't able to enjoy that moment of accomplishment with your husband as you'd hoped to.  Regardless, that holiday achievement will stand as a success story for the two of you.  Great work

My wife falling asleep has saved me many a time.  Take the good breaks where you can get them!

WW

[Lakebreeze]

Hi WW!
Nice of you to check in. I go in spurts here too. I pick up lots of information and have to pull away and digest it all. The puppy is good! Thanks for asking. Its been really rewarding to work with him. It's good to have a sweet sensitive dog in your life.

Thanks for pointing out the falling asleep as a positive thing... there is this little left over part of me that forgets I'm in a relationship with a BPD that feels like if my feelings are so hurt he should care enough to stay up an talk about it... .LOL.

Thanks Waverider for pointing out and labeling the projection going on in that situation. It's when I miss it, or forget that I end up with the most hurt feelings.

[Radcliff]

Hi Lakebreeze, glad the puppy is doing well!  I found it actually reassuring and rewarding to have the relative predictability of the results of puppy training compared to what was going on in my relationship with my uBPDw.  I suppose calling puppy training relatively predictable is a sign of how crazy our lives are!  Because on the other hand, puppies in a way are harder than kids for a while.  I described having a puppy to a friend one time as taking a baby, and putting a rocket motor on the back end and teeth on the front end!

Best,

WW

[Lakebreeze]

WW,
Spot on with the Puppy! LOL like raising a child from start to finish in a year. Yikes. I always appreciate your perspective!