Worried about my brother and nieces

[Snow80]

I think my brother’s wife has BPD.  I am reading stop walking on eggshells and want to know how I can help him.  I gave him the audio book and hope he’ll listen.
I have finally convinced him to go to therapy even if she won’t go.  He has lost himself and has four girls 6 and under. 
How can I help when he calls or texts me with the latest rollercoaster dip? When she’s upset about something he did in her dream.
I worry about the girls especially.
Thank you

[Turkish]

Hi Snow80,

It's great that you convinced him to seek out professional support,  and it's a testament to his resilience to take that advice, because we see so many people is his situation who cut off family members.

My ex's dreams were vivid.  Though our issues were in the real world,  she'd relate to me dreams where she,  the kids and her family were being persecuted. I was there initially,  but then I wasn't. I'd say,  "so I'm abandoning you even in your dreams!" She'd laugh and say no,  but it highlighted her underlying fear,  common to pwBPD,  abandonment. 

What kinds of issues is he dealing with? Given two little kids,  I can attest that it's difficult to be a husband and a father given a spouse with such issues. 

[Snow80]

He is struggling because he basically does everything - works full time, cooks everything, cleans, shops, and they have four kids... .so he's completely exhausted and beaten down because he's no good.  She likes to "discuss" their situation for hours - mainly her just telling him everything is his fault.
He says he can see himself not married to her, but doesn't want to label her - and feels responsible for her, since she doesn't have a job and couldn't really take care of herself if he wasn't there.  I think he's still holding on to a miracle that it will be good again. (even though it's never been good)
He is a fixer and I think he has just tried to accommodate her every wish, but of course it's never enough and doesn't work. 
He's been told he's no good for 8 years and he's just starting to come out of it, but I don't think he's strong enough to insist on things or stand up for himself.
He's just in the "I'm  just trying to get through Christmas" and I just worry that the next blow up rage incident is right around the corner... .
Thanks for any advise... .I know I can't fix it, but I want to support him if I can.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Snow80,   

A couple of questions for you.
Do you live close by your brother and his family?
How often do you have contact with him and the girls (approximately)?

Don't worry that he is taking one day at a time to hang on and process. It takes time and a lot of emotional energy to change, become stronger, and to decide what the future looks like. It sound's as if he has made a lot of progress in seeing the bigger picture, and that is good. He'll be a great support to his children that way.

 
Wools

[Snow80]

Yes - we live close. I talk with my brother every day, and usually see the girls once a week when they attend classes at my family’s music school.  He tries hard to get them there every week, but of course, if things are not going well at home that day, they don’t end up coming. 
The oldest is homeschooled and it’s usully impossible for the mom to actually get the girls to anything by herself.  My brother always has to do it (and he works full time).
I can tell that he is processing and has finished listening to the walking on eggshells book and is starting another book on codependency.  He is still going to therapy and I know he has to build himself back up in order to be strong enough to figure out what to do next. 
I appreciate your posts!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Snow80,  

I'm glad you live close by.   However, I know it can be so tricky to not get pulled into the drama and take the responsibility on yourself. Have you ever gone to T yourself? Your T can help guide you along as to what you can do that will be healthy and when you need to keep a boundary in place. I did not have a BPD sibling or in law, but I did have a uBPDm. One of the greatest helps to me in my journey to recovery is having those who will listen to me and validate me. I'm real glad that he got in to T!

I have a link for you that can provide some good tips for you. I've read it myself and surprisingly the first few times I read portions of it, it made me cry because I wished someone had done these things for me as a child. But I can do them now with my inner children, and that brings healing to my soul.

Are The Children of a BPD Parent Likely to Suffer Emotional Abuse?

There are so many things you can do as a special person in their lives! Your heart is already there.  

 
Wools