Well I'm officially replaced.

[araneina]

I was with a guy in a very emotionally draining, on/off, binge drinking, suicide threats, constant talk of depression and blaming everyone for his problems relationship for about 6 months.  So about 3 weeks after we ended it I snooped his social media and there was a picture of him with a girl along with all of the all "What a cute couple!" comments. I snooped on the girl and realized it was the same girl who had weirdly texted him one night we out of town several months ago (I had his phone in my hand because he was showing me something) and her text said "Hey I hear you're in town tonight " I should have said something about it but i didn't.

Anyways fast forward 3 months to the FB pic and I accuse him of cheating on me.  He adamantly said he did not, that I was nuts, he only stayed with me out of guilt, and to leave him alone.

Well 3 weeks later they both have new photos of them standing next to each other holding each other so... .yeah. Suuuure you weren't cheating on me. (I blocked both of them on FB so I don't have that urge anymore).

Honestly it doesn't hurt all that much, it just pisses me off.  Why did he waste my time if he was already with some other girl? The one thing I don't understand is she lives 6 hours away from him and he said in the past he hated long distance reationships.

I dunno.  It hurts a little but I think the fact that I'm changing jobs and moving to a much nicer city helps remove the burn a bit.  But still... .I can't even DREAM of dating someone after what I went through with him.  I need time to process it all.  I'm definitely going to therapy first.  How can he jump in to something when we weren't even in the ground? Plus... he has some MAJOR issues he needs to sort out. Ouch.

They look happy though.  I hope they stay that way.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Araneina (hope I spelled it right, I should have copied & pasted)
First welcome to the board.
Second, I have also been replaced. We were married 10 years, and we're not even divorced yet. For me, it really hurts because I spent 10 years asking him to do things with me, ranging from going to the movies to traveling. And now he's doing all of it.
Third, for what it's worth, I don't think people with BPD are ever happy long term. After 10 years with my H, I saw all the highs and lows, and had the hope again and again that maybe this time it would be different, maybe this time the meds would work, maybe this time therapy would work, maybe this time... .
Right now, today, I hate the a**h**e. I hate him. I want the divorce to go through; however, at this point, it looks my H is spending December & January traveling, instead of going into mediation as we're supposed to. Another reason I hate this man: He is the one who left, who filed for divorce, and now I get to clean up the mess. It is so typical of his behavior.
I hope you feel better, sounds like you're on your way. I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, but welcome to the board.
TMD

[itgetsbetter94]

Ladies, do you want to know how I found out about my replacement?
He signed his name and surname on some religion site, (it poped up in google search) and this is the text he wrote... .
"I'm in therapy for depression and emotional instability for the last 3 years. Through treatment, I strongly believe that God didn't abandon me and I'm willing to bear my cross to the end. It saddens me when I, because of the illness, loose positive feelings towards my loved ones and becoming unsure about those feelings. It especially hurts me when this is happening towards my girlfriend O. We live in faith and are preparing for marriage. I wouldn't want to l lose that because of my illness.  I pray to God to help us".

He wrote that 20.10. On 1.9. we were still engaged. He still had our pictures all over social media and people thought we were still together.

I panickly and utterly crushed called my mom and read her the letter. She said "Thank God he didn't write your name!" and added "Let her have him, let her take that cross.  Better her than you. We can go to church today and light a candle for her!" She said that in somewhat joking way, but was also serious.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist, I read that letter to her as well. She looked shocked. Her words were "He is more ill than I thought". And also "He'll marry 3x before he marries O".

What I took from that letter:
-previous commitment means nothing to them
-they'll jump on the next train asap
-new person will experience exactly the same thing
-it most probably won't last and be stable since they are unstable
-nothing changes, new person, same disorder

I don't know are my ex and O still together, maybe yes, maybe no. I have no way of knowing, but I know 100% if they are she is in the world of pain by now. If not, someone else will be entering that world.

It's inevitable.  It's neverending story.

Pity their new partners, don't envy them. You have nothing to be envious for.

Since I'm single, my worst feelings are loneliness and occasional despair when memories and emotions take over.
When I was with him, I contemplated suicide, called crisis line, had emotional breakdowns that left me shaking and trembling, my hands were starting to shake... .
Solitude won't kill me, but a relationship with him could have had.

So, as I said, let them have 'em. Let. We have no business in those r/s and marriages.  It's a world of inevitable pain, one crisis after another, no stability, no real integrity, no love, no something solid we could hold on to.

Leave them to their new partners.  I guarantee you 100% they won't be happy. Crisis is on it's way or is happening as I'm typing.

[araneina]

Ladies, do you want to know how I found out about my replacement?
He signed his name and surname on some religion site, (it poped up in google search) and this is the text he wrote... .
"I'm in therapy for depression and emotional instability for the last 3 years. Through treatment, I strongly believe that God didn't abandon me and I'm willing to bear my cross to the end. It saddens me when I, because of the illness, loose positive feelings towards my loved ones and becoming unsure about those feelings. It especially hurts me when this is happening towards my girlfriend O. We live in faith and are preparing for marriage. I wouldn't want to l lose that because of my illness.  I pray to God to help us".

He wrote that 20.10. On 1.9. we were still engaged. He still had our pictures all over social media and people thought we were still together.

I panickly and utterly crushed called my mom and read her the letter. She said "Thank God he didn't write your name!" and added "Let her have him, let her take that cross.  Better her than you. We can go to church today and light a candle for her!" She said that in somewhat joking way, but was also serious.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist, I read that letter to her as well. She looked shocked. Her words were "He is more ill than I thought". And also "He'll marry 3x before he marries O".

What I took from that letter:
-previous commitment means nothing to them
-they'll jump on the next train asap
-new person will experience exactly the same thing
-it most probably won't last and be stable since they are unstable
-nothing changes, new person, same disorder

I don't know are my ex and O still together, maybe yes, maybe no. I have no way of knowing, but I know 100% if they are she is in the world of pain by now. If not, someone else will be entering that world.

It's inevitable.  It's neverending story.

Pity their new partners, don't envy them. You have nothing to be envious for.

Since I'm single, my worst feelings are loneliness and occasional despair when memories and emotions take over.
When I was with him, I contemplated suicide, called crisis line, had emotional breakdowns that left me shaking and trembling, my hands were starting to shake... .
Solitude won't kill me, but a relationship with him could have had.

So, as I said, let them have 'em. Let. We have no business in those r/s and marriages.  It's a world of inevitable pain, one crisis after another, no stability, no real integrity, no love, no something solid we could hold on to.

Leave them to their new partners.  I guarantee you 100% they won't be happy. Crisis is on it's way or is happening as I'm typing.

I know.  I'm sad for you and sad for me - I can't help but feel dirty knowing he was probably having sex with both of us at the same time.  But I also know there are thousands of men out there who would never dream of doing that to their partner, and I know I'll find one of those guys eventually.  I do genuinely hope his next girlfriend works for him and they are happy together.

[toomanydogs]

itgetsbetter94,
  Truer words were never spoken. There will be no stable relationship when one person is so unstable.
  The way your ex wrote on the religion site with all the grandiosity is exactly the way my soon to be ex writes. Blah dee blah dee blah. Blech.
  I used to feel compassion for my H. I really did, but I no longer do. I got way way way too hurt by him. All my compassion these days is for myself and for the other people he's hurt, and he's hurt plenty. Including a woman who worked for us and because he told lies about her to his father, who was paying her small part-time salary, I had to lay her off. Right before the holidays. She has two kids. She is not rich. It's going to take me quite some time before I can find my way to forgive that level of s**t.
  Sorry, I'm venting. I'm angry.
  Sorry to hear that you heard about your replacement in such a crappy way. The people with BPD I've heard about are pretty awful
TMD

[araneina]

itgetsbetter94,
  Truer words were never spoken. There will be no stable relationship when one person is so unstable.
  The way your ex wrote on the religion site with all the grandiosity is exactly the way my soon to be ex writes. Blah dee blah dee blah. Blech.
  I used to feel compassion for my H. I really did, but I no longer do. I got way way way too hurt by him. All my compassion these days is for myself and for the other people he's hurt, and he's hurt plenty. Including a woman who worked for us and because he told lies about her to his father, who was paying her small part-time salary, I had to lay her off. Right before the holidays. She has two kids. She is not rich. It's going to take me quite some time before I can find my way to forgive that level of s**t.
  Sorry, I'm venting. I'm angry.
  Sorry to hear that you heard about your replacement in such a crappy way. The people with BPD I've heard about are pretty awful
TMD

Vent away.  I felt so much compassion for my ex because things were always so seemingly difficult for him. His family life, his drinking, his job, depression etc... .I put so much of myself in to trying to help him (which was my mistake, I should have established borders).  The thought that he broke it off with me while already having this girl in the wings just sucks.  Like... .was any of it real?  I've always been so trusting of people - I will admit that the next man I date probably won't get it so easy.  I'll question every questionable thing I see.

[araneina]

Hi Araneina (hope I spelled it right, I should have copied & pasted)
First welcome to the board.
Second, I have also been replaced. We were married 10 years, and we're not even divorced yet. For me, it really hurts because I spent 10 years asking him to do things with me, ranging from going to the movies to traveling. And now he's doing all of it.
Third, for what it's worth, I don't think people with BPD are ever happy long term. After 10 years with my H, I saw all the highs and lows, and had the hope again and again that maybe this time it would be different, maybe this time the meds would work, maybe this time therapy would work, maybe this time... .
Right now, today, I hate the a**h**e. I hate him. I want the divorce to go through; however, at this point, it looks my H is spending December & January traveling, instead of going into mediation as we're supposed to. Another reason I hate this man: He is the one who left, who filed for divorce, and now I get to clean up the mess. It is so typical of his behavior.
I hope you feel better, sounds like you're on your way. I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, but welcome to the board.
TMD

That makes me sad for you.  I count my blessings it was only 6 months... .I am sure you loved your husband so this must be hard.  I wish I could wave a wand and make it better for you.  I am sorry you're going through all this.  *hugs*

[tornANDfrayed]

 How can he jump in to something when we weren't even in the ground? Plus... he has some MAJOR issues he needs to sort out. Ouch.

They look happy though.

Him jumping into something, as many BPDs do, is absolutely a coping mechanism. Something to get him by and needing to fill a ridiculous void. Learning to depersonalize some of his actions in hindsight and what you may observe now will be very beneficial to you. Trying to wrap your head around that can take away some of the anger you may be feeling. Which holding onto simply doesn't benefit you in the long run, even though you're probably feeling betrayed and cheated. Not that it matters but from my understanding as with my ex, not many people with BPD seem to even have a 'type.' I know it can hurt comparing yourself to the replacement but I've seen my ex go after tall, short, skinny, fat, etc. Even different "life views" and personalities of her own. In many ways whoever will make themselves available and have JUST enough appeal and show interests. Strange and sad.

They look happy? "Fake it till you make it." I assure you, he is not. He might portray someone strong and un-phased on the outside but if he's truly suffering from BPD there is inner turmoil and a major facade being displayed.

[araneina]

Him jumping into something, as many BPDs do, is absolutely a coping mechanism. Something to get him by and needing to fill a ridiculous void. Learning to depersonalize some of his actions in hindsight and what you may observe now will be very beneficial to you. Trying to wrap your head around that can take away some of the anger you may be feeling. Which holding onto simply doesn't benefit you in the long run, even though you're probably feeling betrayed and cheated. Not that it matters but from my understanding as with my ex, not many people with BPD seem to even have a 'type.' I know it can hurt comparing yourself to the replacement but I've seen my ex go after tall, short, skinny, fat, etc. Even different "life views" and personalities of her own. In many ways whoever will make themselves available and have JUST enough appeal and show interests. Strange and sad.

They look happy? "Fake it till you make it." I assure you, he is not. He might portray someone strong and un-phased on the outside but if he's truly suffering from BPD there is inner turmoil and a major facade being displayed.

Oh part of me knows this.  I can't tell you how many times he said he didn't think he was capable of love, that his sisters say he's a commitment phobe, that he's probably destined to be alone.  And yes of course, the first 3 months with him were bliss - I'd never met someone SO perfect.  The following 3 months were exhausting.  He said I've been the longest relationship he's had in 6 years and now I know why - most normal women would have run for the hills once his true side came out.  But my codependency kept me in the game much longer than I should have been.

I think once I get into some therapy I will truly start healing.  I'm in the process of a major move and I'll be w/out health insurance for a month so I've gotta wait a bit, but I'll get there.  Thank you for your words.  They are helpful.

[araneina]

Oops duplicate post.