How to leave

[Winterwoes]

Hi Everyone,
I've never posted on a forum before but I'm finding myself unsure of my next moves and could use some advice from people who have dealt with BPD breakups. 3 weeks ago, my partner had his first nasty and terrible episode towards me. We had begun to have difficulty in the relationship and I had already been questioning it when the abuse started. He was verbally abusive and harassing and I had to call the cops twice because of cryptic suicide texts and then shutting the phone off. I had to block multiple phones, emails etc. He decided he hated me out of nowhere and I couldn't stop it. I then got an email a couple days later that was lucid and sweet and familiar and that he was going to get help. I got caught up and decided to try and make it work. I'm now realizing that it was a mistake and I am already seeing hints of the ugliness again and I'm worried. I can't take any more abuse but I really love him. I need to break it off but I don't know how to go about it. I'm sure there will be an eruption of emotions and harassment. I almost wish it could be his idea.

I will be calling him because I don't feel comfortable going in person. What is the best way to phrase things to avoid an explosion? Any help and advice is appreciated. I'm really exhausted and broken and don't know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

HI winterwoes,

I'm sorry that you've been going through a tough time in your relationship. Does your partner have a diagnosis for BPD? Is he willing to get help?

There really isn't much you can do to prevent him from exploding because it's impossible to control someone else's behavior. YOu can only control your own. It's important that you are able to stay in Wisemind and not let emotions control you.

[Winterwoes]

He is now after the episode seeing a therapist and in the process of hopefully getting a diagnosis. He classically shows all of the signs. I called him yesterday and his immediate response on the phone was "yeah I was thinking the same thing" and then hung up. About 2 hours later I got a lot of emails saying he had done a lot of drugs that weekend and it wasn't really him and how sorry he is and how wonderful I am.
This morning I got a text that he felt relieved that I did it because he can't stand to be with me and was happy he didn't have to do the breaking up. He was cold, mean and unemotional only a few hours after he was remorseful and sobbing.

This whole cycle is exhausting. I blocked his number and blocked him on facebook so I don't get any more abusive messages or calls. It really is just painful because it makes me feel like he never actually loved me at all. I am determined to no longer engage because I don't believe it is healthy for either of us but it is hard for me to not feel crushed.

[Tattered Heart]

I can understand how it would seem that he never loved you. Most likely though, he did/does love you. BPD can cause someone to see their partner as either all good or all bad. So when you are all good then he loves you dearly and when you are all bad, he sees you as an enemy. And his feelings can switch very quickly.

[pearlsw]

Hi Winterwoes,

May I ask, do you feel like this is a breakup that is going to "take" or that there may still be an opening here? I know that breakups, for me at least, are harder unless I am 100% certain about them and then I am very clear about not going back and never have. Does this really feel over and you are ready to process it ending? Or do you think there is a chance to be together?

Just checking in on where you are at with things!