Feel the Need to Let Go of BPD Daughter 36

[AVR1962]

Daughter, now 36, was diagnosed with BPD at age 18 and again at 21. It has been a LONG journey of turmoil since her dad left when she was 6. It's been over a year since I last posted and in that year there was no word from her at Christmas last year, no happy birthday, no Mother's day acknowledgement. I found out thru family members that her son was hospitalized so I contacted her via text knowing she would not pick up her phone if I called. She did reply and confirmed he had been hospitalized but gave no more info and has not had contact since.

Recently I have been in touch with a person who has been thru much of what I have endured with my daughter, it is amazing how similar our situations are. Talking about it all and reliving the hurt of these past situations... .something I have kept myself busy and not thinking about... .and now I am feeling I just need to let go. It has been far too long. My daughter whole heartedly believes I am the root of her problems and will not allow her kids to have contact with me. Family members have told me the lies she has told them and the lies she has overheard my daughter telling to her children. I always thought I wanted her back in my life so we could be family again but reliving what I endured I realized my life is happier without her and all the chaos that surrounded our relationship.

I have continued thru the years to send cards and gifts to my grandkids as I have not wanted them to think I didn't love them but I realize I don't know my grandkids at all. My daughter has not let me into their lives and the oldest is 17. This pulls on my heart but as I reflect on the past year I realize that relationships have to be on equal ground. My daughter will not allow any connection to her family as long as she is blaming and angry at me so I am planning on going no contact.

Has anyone here done the same? How have things turned out by going no contact with your child?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[KCat]

Hi,
Reading your post sounds so much like my daughter who is 39.  I recently made the decision to have minimal contact with her because she is so destructive to me and to herself.  Mercifully she can't have children.  Her father abandoned her as a young child and we are the only living family so this was a hard choice.  I had gotten to the point of exaustion, burnout and serious depression. 
My daughter also has a number of serious medical issues including a failing kidney. I have learned that she will soon undergo a third surgery and may loose her kidney. It is a terrible dilema for me as I don't want to abandon her yet trying to be there for her results in accusations and verbal abuse. She has even kicked me out of her hospital room after I had driven 2 hours to a major city.
I'm so sorry for all your suffering and am glad you posted your situation.  What I have decided, after years of trying to support her,  is that my efforts have resulted in no improvement while exacting a very heavy toll on me. We are no help to anyone if we are continually stressed out and exausted.

[Huat]

Hello AVR1962.

I've read your post.  Wow!  I am a Mom who is giving you a hug  ... .telling you that I, too, have lived through (AM living through!) ... .similar circumstances.

I am 74... .our uBPD daughter is 51... .her children (our only grandchildren) now in their mid-20's.  Because of all the turmoil in our daughter's life... .broken relationships, custody battles, etc., etc., etc... .we were called upon to be surrogate parents to those two loves-of-our-lives.   In our wildest dreams, we never thought we would get to the point where there was no contact with them but each time their mother cut us out of her life... .they did, too.  I know your heartache.  I will add that neither of these grandchildren have contact with their respective fathers nor those families, either.  Says a lot, huh?

So, with all that said, it is now me who has drawn the line in the sand.  My daughter's verbal abuse escalated to the point where a counsellor warned us that it could well turn to physical abuse with me being less and less able to defend myself.  I, too, (not her Dad) am the root of all her problems.

Yes, an apology came after her last blow-up... .one of many I have received over all these years.  Again, it was accepted... .but this time I told her we next had to meet in a counsellor's office to work things out so that this cycle ended.  That threw her into a rage and soon she was on a real campaign to "spread the word" about me.

I'm sure you understand when I say I have cried buckets.  I cringe when I think back to the depths I fell until I finally got a grip, looked in the mirror and decided I had to be the one to make changes.  Instead of accepting and dealing with the life I had, I had wasted so much time wishing for something different... .feeling so sorry for myself.  :)ammit... .I deserved better!

I can't tell you that a tear never drops now.  I will always be a Mom... .and a Gramma... .but every day I work on putting one foot in front of the other and I seek out "sunshine"... .something to put a smile on my face.   I hope you can find it, too, AVR1962.  It is there if you look for it.  While your daughter will always be an important part of your life, your happiness should not pivot on her.  She is in one compartment of your life... .but there are others.

I have found it so helpful to read posts like yours, finding that the hurtful relationship I have with the daughter I so love is not unique.  I am not alone!

Hope to hear more from you, AVR1962, as you share with us how you work through this chapter in your life.

Huat

[AVR1962]

What I have decided, after years of trying to support her,  is that my efforts have resulted in no improvement while exacting a very heavy toll on me.

This is where I am at. I have turned over a new leaf in my personal life and I just cannot deal with the issues with my daughter anymore. I am in my mid 50's and it time to live my life and enjoy it!

[Huat]

Hello again, AVR1962:

Believe me, I hear your frustration and your determination to make a better life for yourself. 
Sounds like, as hard as you have tried, the situation with your daughter just has not improved.

Over to the right  you see "Lesson 2... ."If your current approach is not working - change it."... .and you are!   Your daughter will clue in to something being different... .might just cause some shift in her... .hopefully a shift in the right direction.

In my last post to you I wrote of the current relationship with my daughter.  This time I have been the one to bring contact to an end... .but I've left the door ajar... .joint counselling for us is a must... .non-negotiable.  It is now up to her.

So, AVR1962, time will tell for me... .for you.  Meanwhile, there is a great support system here for us.

Hope to hear more from you.

Huat