Sister with BPD traits, not sure how to handle Christmas

[Our abuse recovery guide]

wow thank goodness for this site. I ended up here because a friend suggested my sister may have a personality disorder and after a bit of research came here and read a story that could have described my sister.

I haven't spoken to her in a year and as Christmas is coming up I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to navigate the tricky waters. I have a nephew who is about 18 months old and it's the one part of this making it so hard to just walk away. The last year has been a breeze as I decided to focus on myself and put aside my emotions. It felt normal to not be swept up in the storm and drama which I've had for the last few years.

To sum up, my sister was always difficult growing up and caused a lot of stress and drama at home. She once tried to take an overdose as a teenager, and would get into really violent fights with me. I was always the peace-maker and quiet as my dad was abusive towards me and my mum but not my sister. i actually wonder if what my sister witnessed caused trauma to her and might be why she's now behaving nasty. Also, when it was my birthday she would get so upset and have such huge tantrums that she never got a present that my parents caved in to her so she would get a present on my birthday! I think bad parenting also maybe played a part but they probably did their best at the time.

Things started to get worse recently while she was pregnant with her first child. She decided to cut our dad off because she was scared he might do something to her child? Now, I've not had a great relationship with my dad but he wouldn't do something bad. She also said a lot of other really nasty stuff in a letter to him and said he was the evil one but when I asked her to show me his letter to see if the things she says he'd said were true, she told me she destroyed the letter.

 I think maybe the pregnancy made her more protective but she also became hard. I felt sorry for my dad as he has never met his first grandchild and suffers from depression so the last year has knocked him. Plus my relationship with him has also suffered as he's become even more distant because of this and never calls me or emails. But that's not why I'm here.

My sister recently became nasty towards my mum and also my grandma. She would send back their xmas presents because they weren't to her taste. My mum handmade her a curtain especially for her new house but my sister threw it back in her face. I felt so angry and upset with the way she treated my mum, I took the curtain as I loved it but also my mum had put in so much work and love. There's so many other things she did and said but I don't have time to write them. My mum has slowly started to rebuild her relationship with my sister after a few months of hardly any communication and mum always calling me in tears. I ended up texting my sister my feelings about how she treated my mum as it got so bad that I felt like sticking up for my mum. My grandma also stopped talking to her. All we would get was vitriol or she would get so angry on the phone she'd slam the phone down on my mum or gran. Whenever we had a family gathering like at xmas she would always end up getting angry and upset over something minor. Always had a chip on her shoulder or was jealous about me. She once came at me with a knife and luckily I managed to run into the bathroom in time.

She announced a few months ago she's expecting again so I thought i'd be the bigger person and message her to say congrats and to see if we could could the past behind us, but all I got was 'thanks'. I can't be bothered with her anymore. She is saying that she will only make up with me and my grandma if we apologise to her! This is what makes me think there's something disturbing about her, that she won't ever apologise or admit she behaved badly.

What should I do? Just carry on as I am and hope that the next family get together will be civil now that I made the first step? i feel like I've done everything I can and the ball is in her court but she'll never make a move. My dad's side of the family seem to just pander to her. She recently blocked them all on facebook because they weren't 'liking' any of her baby photos, only our cousins. How childish? She's now friends with them all again but they just follow her like sheep and even travelled for miles for the christenign where she didn't even make the effort to go chat to them!

I also worry about her little boy, she puts him on a peddle stool all the time and brags about how perfect he is all the time. She has become very controlling, I know you're meant to watch a babies feeding and naps but she became OCD about it and even her friends commented. She has fallen out with many friends over the years.

Am I being judgemetal by labelling her BPD without a diagnosis? There's no way she'd agree to being assessed, she's say we were the crazy ones and then block us.
Gosh just writing about her is draining!

I have recently come out of a stressful relationship with a narcissist which has taken it's toll on my health. Luckily I've met a new man who is amazing and so supportive. We've both had to live with people similar to these so he totally gets me. Alll I want is for my mum to have a relationship with her grandchildren and maybe me too but I'm trying to not think about them. i guess it's good I don't have a relationship with my nephew as it would be so much harder.

Thanks for reading, sorry I rushed it a bit.

[Sensitive]

wow thank goodness for this site. I ended up here because a friend suggested my sister may have a personality disorder and after a bit of research came here and read a story that could have described my sister.

I haven't spoken to her in a year and as Christmas is coming up I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to navigate the tricky waters. I have a nephew who is about 18 months old and it's the one part of this making it so hard to just walk away. The last year has been a breeze as I decided to focus on myself and put aside my emotions. It felt normal to not be swept up in the storm and drama which I've had for the last few years.

To sum up, my sister was always difficult growing up and caused a lot of stress and drama at home. She once tried to take an overdose as a teenager, and would get into really violent fights with me. I was always the peace-maker and quiet as my dad was abusive towards me and my mum but not my sister. i actually wonder if what my sister witnessed caused trauma to her and might be why she's now behaving nasty. Also, when it was my birthday she would get so upset and have such huge tantrums that she never got a present that my parents caved in to her so she would get a present on my birthday! I think bad parenting also maybe played a part but they probably did their best at the time.

Things started to get worse recently while she was pregnant with her first child. She decided to cut our dad off because she was scared he might do something to her child? Now, I've not had a great relationship with my dad but he wouldn't do something bad. She also said a lot of other really nasty stuff in a letter to him and said he was the evil one but when I asked her to show me his letter to see if the things she says he'd said were true, she told me she destroyed the letter.

 I think maybe the pregnancy made her more protective but she also became hard. I felt sorry for my dad as he has never met his first grandchild and suffers from depression so the last year has knocked him. Plus my relationship with him has also suffered as he's become even more distant because of this and never calls me or emails. But that's not why I'm here.

My sister recently became nasty towards my mum and also my grandma. She would send back their xmas presents because they weren't to her taste. My mum handmade her a curtain especially for her new house but my sister threw it back in her face. I felt so angry and upset with the way she treated my mum, I took the curtain as I loved it but also my mum had put in so much work and love. There's so many other things she did and said but I don't have time to write them. My mum has slowly started to rebuild her relationship with my sister after a few months of hardly any communication and mum always calling me in tears. I ended up texting my sister my feelings about how she treated my mum as it got so bad that I felt like sticking up for my mum. My grandma also stopped talking to her. All we would get was vitriol or she would get so angry on the phone she'd slam the phone down on my mum or gran. Whenever we had a family gathering like at xmas she would always end up getting angry and upset over something minor. Always had a chip on her shoulder or was jealous about me. She once came at me with a knife and luckily I managed to run into the bathroom in time.

She announced a few months ago she's expecting again so I thought i'd be the bigger person and message her to say congrats and to see if we could could the past behind us, but all I got was 'thanks'. I can't be bothered with her anymore. She is saying that she will only make up with me and my grandma if we apologise to her! This is what makes me think there's something disturbing about her, that she won't ever apologise or admit she behaved badly.

What should I do? Just carry on as I am and hope that the next family get together will be civil now that I made the first step? i feel like I've done everything I can and the ball is in her court but she'll never make a move. My dad's side of the family seem to just pander to her. She recently blocked them all on facebook because they weren't 'liking' any of her baby photos, only our cousins. How childish? She's now friends with them all again but they just follow her like sheep and even travelled for miles for the christenign where she didn't even make the effort to go chat to them!

I also worry about her little boy, she puts him on a peddle stool all the time and brags about how perfect he is all the time. She has become very controlling, I know you're meant to watch a babies feeding and naps but she became OCD about it and even her friends commented. She has fallen out with many friends over the years.

Am I being judgemetal by labelling her BPD without a diagnosis? There's no way she'd agree to being assessed, she's say we were the crazy ones and then block us.
Gosh just writing about her is draining!

I have recently come out of a stressful relationship with a narcissist which has taken it's toll on my health. Luckily I've met a new man who is amazing and so supportive. We've both had to live with people similar to these so he totally gets me. Alll I want is for my mum to have a relationship with her grandchildren and maybe me too but I'm trying to not think about them. i guess it's good I don't have a relationship with my nephew as it would be so much harder.

Thanks for reading, sorry I rushed it a bit.

[Turkish]

She wants you to apologize to her,  yet she assaulted you with a deadly weapon in the past... .*sigh*

A diagnosis might explain some things,  but it takes a willing patient to heal and change.  Let's just assume BPD or something similar,  and focus on the behaviors and how they affect you. 

I get that you are worried about your nephew; I'd be worried too, as well as sad being cut off from that r/s. How much have you seen him?

It might be best not to get involved with her interactions with others,  and focus on yours if you can.  I realize the way she is treating other family, especially your mom,  is hard on you. 

We have material which can help in the Lessons at the top of the board.  Take a look and let us know of there is anything there which you might find useful,  and we can talk about it. 

Turkish

[Sensitive]

She wants you to apologize to her,  yet she assaulted you with a deadly weapon in the past... .*sigh*

A diagnosis might explain some things,  but it takes a willing patient to heal and change.  Let's just assume BPD or something similar,  and focus on the behaviors and how they affect you. 

I get that you are worried about your nephew; I'd be worried too, as well as sad being cut off from that r/s. How much have you seen him?

It might be best not to get involved with her interactions with others,  and focus on yours if you can.  I realize the way she is treating other family, especially your mom,  is hard on you. 

We have material which can help in the Lessons at the top of the board.  Take a look and let us know of there is anything there which you might find useful,  and we can talk about it. 

Turkish

Thank you so much for replying

She'll never go for an assessment or even if we mentioned BPD she'd cut us all off.
I have only seen my nephew maybe 3 times? Only once I got to hold him  I really thought when she had him it would bring us all together but it seems to be the opposite.

I will take a look at the lessons, I didn't notice them before.

[Kiya12345]

So much of this is my story too. Sending you love.