Trying to move on - 5 years later

[Damnlies]

I'm new here... .I wish I would've found this site five years ago. I was married to a BPD man for 7 years.  It was a second marriage for me, and we each brought three children into the relationship.   The classic "Brady Bunch" family.  

We started out hot and heavy. The chemistry was off the charts. He absolutely adored me! I practically walked on water. I was "the most beautiful woman in the world."   I was also the "smartest" woman in the world. He swept me off my feet. Like the "knight in shining armour."  He came to rescue me only 18 months after I separated from my first husband. (And 9 months after the divorce was final.)  He was in the throes of a divorce when we met. Red flag ... . which of course, I ignored.  Looking back years later, I read in my diary at the time, and I had written, just a few months after meeting him -- "it's too good to be true." Haha!   Turned out, it was!

Our marriage started out strong - lots of romantic nights, endless hours of talking, fun sex, fun trips - sometimes with our kids, sometimes without.  He lavished me with beautiful gifts. Bought me flowers. During our dating phase he wrote me a multitude of cards,  expressing how beautiful and wonderful I was and his undying love for me.   Also expressing how he couldn't wait to spend his life with me and have grandchildren together.  He was great with my kids, which was very important to me. My mom and siblings loved him. He was kind and generous with them.  

Of course we experienced the common struggles of blending a family.    I thought we were handling it fairly well, but much to my surprise, he didn't.   Or at least that was his excuse (kids, family not blending wee enough).    Suddenly, six years into the marriage, and completely out of the blue, while we were driving in the car to pick up one of our kids, he told me he wasn't happy and was thinking of divorce.  

 I don't want to get too far into the details because that's not why am here, but after one year of several different marriage counselors, which all told him he had either depression or was bipolar, and a crazy roller coaster ride for me, he finally just walked away.  He refused to seek any type of counseling alone.   When he left, he left without saying one word to any of my three children.   He would not sit down and discuss our separation/divorce with all of our children, as a normal family should or would do.  None of us had any closure or understanding or explanation . It was horrendous. Suddenly, he and his three children vanished from our lives.

 So what brings me here, five years later?  Trying to move forward in my life.  I have been dating a man, long distance, for about 3 years, on and off.  He is a very good man. He is solid. Not flakey! Not impetuous, not reactive. He is thoughtful and kind. There are many great things about him and our relationship. The problem is I can't get my exBPD out of my head when it comes to the romance. My current BF has only sent me flowers once (very early in the relationship), he was never written me a romantic card or note, he is not a good gift giver.  It's not that I need these things, or that they really matter to me, it's that level of romance and outpouring of love that I experienced from exBPD was so much larger. And I hate comparing, but I do. It's not fair to BF or to me.  So why do I do it? We are in a long distance relationship and it has been difficult to find time when we are both free.  This is also how my relationship with exBPD began. But exBPD was super excited, into me, into connecting and talking often each day. We never had difficulty connecting. My current BF is not so communicative. He is not very pursing.  He's not super romantic like exBPD.

Intellectually, I know exBPD was a farce. But emotionally, I can't forget how his actions made me feel. Others seem dull in comparison. How does one step back to reality after an experience like this. Or is that the way a budding relationship should be, regardless of the BPD factor?  I feel stuck and unable to move forward.  

[Insom]

Hi, Damnlies.  Yes, I can relate with this.

 

The problem is I can't get my exBPD out of my head when it comes to the romance. My current BF has only sent me flowers once (very early in the relationship), he was never written me a romantic card or note, he is not a good gift giver.

In my experience, this is one of the easier problems to solve.    Prior to meeting my husband I had a BF (not my BPD-ex) who was amazingly thoughtful about gifts and letters.  Frankly, he spoiled me and set the bar super-high for anyone who came after.  I remember having a conversation early on in my marriage with husband about this . . . "where is the romance?"  His response?  "I show you every day that I love you."  And you know what?  He was right.

Men have different ways of demonstrating their care.  Some men who are more verbal can express themselves beautifully in writing.  Others can't.  My husband is in the latter category.  But he shows his care for me every day via his attentiveness toward me and the soundness of our home.  He is also a good listener.  It took me awhile to see that this is how he expressed care, but once I did, it resolved any longings or expectations I had around flowers or other "surprises."  As far as gifts go, if there's something I want to receive from my husband, we're close enough where I can just tell him . . . "hey, you know what might make a great birthday gift this year?"  And he seems to appreciate the input because it takes the pressure off.  Of course, not every guy is the same.  I'd say give your guy some time, keep getting to know each other & keep your expectations low.  It took me time to adjust my admittedly sky-high expectations around gifts, but once I did I was fine, and the agitation I previously felt dissolved. 

Have you looked at family patterns around gift giving?  Is it possible they may also be playing into how you feel about this?