Shared Facebook profile page and enmeshment?

[Notwendy]

An acquaintance of mine changed her FB name from "Jill Smith" ( not her real name) to JillandJack Smith.  ( her husband, "Jack"- not his real name).

I am married and all of my married friends have their own FB pages. We have boundaries on what we post and who we interact with on FB- and our spouses can see the posts on our pages- but we still have our own individual accounts.

A combined name profile feels icky to me in a sense- like enmeshment.

I have read that how someone presents themselves on social media can reflect things like personality disorders or other issues. Does anyone else think this is odd? I would feel strange having a profile page like that.

[once removed]

im with you that its not for me.

it is pretty common for married couples, and i dont think its indicative of anything. i have heard jokes made about it being for couples where one spouse has cheated. i have an aunt and uncle who are not very computer savvy, just keep up with family on facebook. i wouldnt call them enmeshed.

[Notwendy]

This is a young couple who I'm sure knows how to use Facebook. I did wonder if she or both of them are sending a message with that post- that they are together- but it also feels creepy to me to share an identity.

I wouldn't know ( and don't want to) about cheating but I doubt it. They seem happy together.

[HappyChappy]

Hey NotWendy,

I wouldn’t do it.  We children of BPD are very sensitive and aware of enmeshment, but others may just see it as romantic. Do they wear the same track suits when out jogging, and finish each others sentences ?

[Notwendy]

LOL I don't know if they wear the same track suits.

I think we are more sensitive to this kind of thing. It's not even my business what their relationship is - but I did notice my reaction to the changed Facebook page and found it interesting that I reacted that way. The idea just seemed weird to me- I wouldn't do it either.

The rest of my married friends have their own FB page.

[Skip]

Some of my married friends share an email address... .

I might look at it more as transparency if one spouse decides to add the other to their FB account. But, there could also be unhealthy reasons.

[Turkish]

Enmeshment is a pathological term.  Could be they're just in love?  I'd look for the matching track suits 

I deleted my old page and made a new one combining my kids' names... ."Bob Angel [surname]" because I see them as one.  No, not that.  It's just convenient.

[Notwendy]

Skip-
My BPD mother used my father's e mail address- with his name- as hers.  It was mostly his- and he used it for business as well as personal. I assumed one reason was because she isn't technology savvy and it was easier to use his than to set up her own. I also don't know why he didn't set her up with one and help her with it.


He died several years ago, and she still uses it. 

I saw my parents as having poor boundaries and being enmeshed, but also know that one can't judge a relationship from the outside. My mother does have people help her with technology so she could have set up her own e mail if she wanted to.

Maybe this is one reason seeing a FB page with both names looks strange to me.  I have my own page, but there is transparency- anyone in my family can see my wall ( they are FB friends) and I have my own boundaries about what I post and any messaging.  Even my most religious married FB friends have their own pages and e mail. I think one can be married, faithful, in love, and transparent while still communicating with others in their own name.

[Tired_Dad]

It's hard to judge this from the outside and without knowing the situation.

As a person who makes hiring decisions on hiring management I see all sorts of red flags when I do a cursory search on FaceBook (even worse if it's on LinkedIn) and I see a joint account it is definitely not in that person's favor. People don't seem to understand that any public information can/will be gathered about you by potential employers and it could be the difference between getting hired or not whether they admit to it as a formal policy or not.

Separate social media is a must in today's environment as it identifies you in some cases more than your resume does.

[Skip]

He died several years ago, and she still uses it. 

One of our moderator emeritus use the email account of her husband passed.

My only point is that doing this, in and of itself, is not a sign of anything. I tend to see this more in older couples. Now is it more common in enmeshed, I don't know.

[Notwendy]

Just to be clear, I wasn't implying that a shared FB page meant a disorder, but if it is more common in enmeshed relationships.

I don't know their situation, but I was just curious at my own "ewww"  reaction to the page.

I also get what Tired Dad is saying as social media is reflective of the person. It is one reason I don't put too much personal or controversial material on my page and am careful about what I reply to others.

I can understand the moderator using her late husband's e mail- maybe it is a source of comfort to her. However, with my parents, I think it was a form of control. If I sent an e mail to my father- she read it and also listened in on our phone calls when I called him. She may have done this with everyone. I guess it is easier to keep the same e mail address.

[HappyChappy]

Skip's right, you can’t take just one aspect in isolation, but you can build a picture. Tired_Dad I also check social media when recruiting, you’d be daft not to.

WendyDarling I read you post and the penny dropped. My BPD mum only used my Dads e-mail address when talking to her kids, I found out later she had other e-mails for other things. But my BPD would insist on listening in on phone conversations (phone extension) as a mother’s right. She would steam open letters. Initially she denied doing any of this, but after being caught out a few times she flipped to saying it was a mothers right.

She convinced my Father and us to some extent.  She had stories of being chaperoned as a child, etc... etc... and kept saying this book on parenting said you should do it. But the fact my BPD was using my Dads e-mail never struck me as odd.  I got to know my parents writing styles, as often my Mum would sign the e-mail from my Dad. I was the only one that seemed to complain about this big brother approach, everyone else just though I was making a fuss about nothing, why provoke the BPD ? My BPD had an iron grip on the family (I’m not Marc Thatcher if that’s what you’re thinking).

[Notwendy]

My mother also controlled the whole family. In the days where we wrote letters- she would snoop in my room and read my letters and notes from friends.  Once I came home from school early ( don't know why, maybe a half day or some other reason) and she didn't hear me come in. I walked in my room as usual, caught her with my letter drawer open and letters open on the floor.

I think teens can have privacy boundaries- unless a parent is concerned about a serious situation. I was basically a good kid, but it's hard to know what my mother was thinking about me.

It was frustrating to not be able to have a private conversation or e mail with my father. Again, it is a fine line- parents can and should share important things about their children, but we are also individuals who can have a one on one relationship with a child.

One of my mother's fears was that people were talking about her, so perhaps the open e mails and phone calls cut down on the dysregulations, but the trade off was loss of individuality.

Another thing is I think for those of us familiar with BPD- we are sensitive to signs of blurred boundaries like the shared FB page- whether or not it means dysfunction.

[HappyChappy]

It was frustrating to not be able to have a private conversation or e mail with my father.

Same here, that's what I missed the most.

For me the line is a need to know basis. Our mothers didn’t need to know what went into our letters to our friend or Fathers, but a BPD needs that to control and manipulate.

My Kids tell me all sorts of things I would never have dared tell my mother, because they want too. In fact my Daughter gives me loads of details about her friends and boyfriends I don't want to know, but she wants a second opinion.  You must earn trust and info,  not seal it (like Captain Hook).

[madeline7]

I agree that we may be more sensitive to this kind of thing, and I feel I am more sensitive these days to almost every kind of thing. My uBPMm is so predictably unpredictable that I never know when her constant ruminations will lead to a silent treatment or rage. So I have become hyper vigilant and it has carried over into my "other" life, and I am sensitive about most things. As for the combined FB, maybe they fashion themselves a "Brangelina" in which case the track suits would not make the cut!

[Notwendy]

Yes, I forget about terms like Brangelina, Kimye  etc, so maybe this is just a cool thing for someone in a younger generation.