Document EVERYTHING

[ArleighBurke]

I separated from my undiagnosed BPD wife of 17yrs. Leaving behind 3 children (8/11/14).

I haven't read too many posts on this board, but I want to share some of my experiences in separating. These experiences I am guessing are all too common... .

 

• When I left, my ex wanted to do financial separation as soon as possible. We have now been debating the split through lawyers for 7 months!
  
  • She will propose a split, I will agree, and she will then say no and suggest something different. Again and again.
  • There will be SOMETHING she disagrees with each iteration. It appears to be ANYTHING. She will question my pay, my super, the value of the home, the value of the car. But never all at once. Just a tiny bit at a time. Almost like she wants this process to drag on... .

• The letters I receive from her lawyers contain so many half truths it's almost amusing.
  
  • For instance she will say I "removed $1000 from the joint account", and phrase it in a way to suggest that she is now worried about me taking all her money. What she doesn't say is that she and I agreed on me taking out that $1000, that she was fully aware of it, and it was actually not our money (was deposited into our account by my parents accidentally). Luckily I have all the emails from her and I showing that.
  • She has accused me of "taking" furniture from the family home. Again, I can provide all the emails where she offers me the furniture, I decline, then she says she is throwing it out.

• For custody of our children:
  
  • She has stated that I care for the kids in her home. That *was* true, for the first month after we separated, but I have then used my home for the last 6 months. Again, I have records of every day that I had my kids, what we did, and where we were.
  • She has said that I haven't had the kids for the entire agreed time - that I drop them back to her early. Again I can show the log whereby she has requested the kids back early for some good reason, and I have agreed. She is using me cooperating with her against me!

• She will TRY to get me to argue with her. She will email me to arrange kids pick up times and insert remarks/statements/acusations against me. I will ignore them. No matter what she says, no matter what she accuses me of, i will NOT respond. Do NOT give her amunition (remember STFU).
• She is painting herself to be the ultimate victim, and me the horribly abusive ex husband:
  
  • She says I have multiple bank accounts, hiding cash, a side-business.
  • She says I have controlled our finances all our marriage, that she has no access to any financial information. (Yet all the paper records are in HER bedroom).
  • She says she is now part time at work, yet her weekly pay has actually gone UP slightly
  • She is claiming I enter her home without her permission. This has justified her to change all the locks.
  • She is claiming she is now so stressed, and has to take time off work for stress.
  • She is claiming our daughter is overcome with anxiety and needs constant care (despite no medical history or doctors checkups)
     

My strongest advice is, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Save every email. If you have a phone conversation, note-take and write up a log after. Keep records of every dollar you spend on her and the kids, what you do with them, ANYTHING to do with your marriage and life - document it. It takes time and effort. It feels painful. But it is worth it.

I also say BE CLEAN. When we separated, my best friend told me I should start a second bank account, hide away some money, "protect myself". I received an unexpected refund check - he said "she'll never know - hide it". But i didn't. Everything I did was proper. I disclosed everything, I kept everything in the clear. I have a receipt for every withdrawal from my bank. This may not be fair - because i'm sure she's not doing any of this - I'm sure she has her own side stuff. But to me it means CREDIBIILITY. My lawyer trusts me. My lawyer will go and argue 100% for me with NO doubt in his mind as to whether I am truthful. This gives him strength and power. If this ever goes to court I hope it's the same - that *my* honesty and integrity is clear. Perhaps it won't matter, but I am SURE that if there was any deceit on my part, my ex would find it, and use that to completely discredit me.

And stay sane. The process sucks. Her behaviour sucks. The legal system sucks. Deal with it. Accept that this will be a long bumpy road. Accept that you will probably be screwed financially and in custody. But try to enjoy the journey. I laugh so much as I tell my best friend the sh!t my ex is saying and doing. But remember that you are doing this for a reason. Your life without her is worth this. There WILL be an end.

[hope2727]

Well said. Create such a he an detailed paper trail that no one can question it.

[polaris9]

Also keep a record of your texts which is a little trickier than emails, but doable, at least on iOS.

[40days_in_desert]

ArleighBurke - About 85% of what you wrote could match pretty well with my ex. One piece of advice that I was given was to deny a false accusation when the ex throws one your way via email or text. May or may not be an issue but I was told that there is a slight possibility that no response could be twisted into an admission of guilt. What I do is only deny any new false accusations. Since I do record, document and save everything, I don't need to deny things that I have previously denied before. Maybe only a slight chance but I'm not taking that chance. Very good ideas and advice. Hopefully many who are just starting down the road of separation/divorce will read this.

For recording texts, try Phoneview. It's an app that works beautifully. It downloads a text conversation into a PDF. It shows the phone numbers, date and time stamp. I use to take screen shots but doing that isn't as reliable. Someone can put their ex's name in place of one of their friends to create conversations that would make their ex look bad. Trying to match text exchanges to the text log from your service provider may help but not if you both use iMessage. They don't show up on text logs from your service provider. Only SMS texts show up on the text log from your service provider.

[takingandsending]

One word of advice ArleighBurke,

Consider putting a stop to early returns or shortening of your custody time. Obviously, not to the detriment of your children, but my xw has a convenient way of assuming her requests for me to watch the kids when she has work or vacation planned on her custody days result in her expecting the kids on my custody days as it suits her. I don't recommend agreeing to these requests, because pwBPD do not recognize boundaries, and agreeing to seemingly small requests reinforces that behavior.

[scraps66]

Context dropping all over the place!

[ArleighBurke]

I'll guess I'll also add: be prepared for everything to suck and you to have no control!

My ex and I agreed 9 weeks ago on a date that I would take all the kids to their grandparents in January. We go there every year. I booked the airline tickets. The trip is in 3 days time. 
Unknown to me, she and my 11yr old daughter "decided" that the daughter wouldn't come with me - 7 weeks ago!
My ex told me of this 3 days ago. No time for me to try to alter the trip to suit my daughter, or find a way to make it OK for my daughter to come.

As well, my ex has been talking to the kids about how "they've never been away from mummy for so long", and "you have to call me every night". My son (14) confided in me and said he didn't know what mum was on about - and listed 2 trips in the last 2yrs where they were all away for longer! My ex also wants to drop the kids at the airport on the day of the trip. I told her no - that she was making this trip a huge deal that it wasn't. It was a standard trip away that we did each year (and often without her).

My ex banged on for weeks about wanting to know the flight details so she could drop them at the airport. I kept saying no.
Last night (via text):

• Me: As we agreed, I will pickup the kids at 9am. I am happy to pick them up from your home, or your sisters. There is no need for you to drop them at the airport. However, it's a public place - if you want to follow us and see them off at the airport I cannot stop you.
• Ex: Can you tell me the flight details "just in case of an emergency"?
• Me: I am quite happy to give you all the flight details. I am only disagreeing with your dropping the kids at the airport. Are you agreeing that I can pick them up from your home as arranged at 9am
• Ex: I am not agreeing or disagreeing. Right now my only concern is getting the flight details.

Unfortunately, this will not play out well. My lawyer pretty much says I have no legal authority for anything (posession is 9/10th of the law). Even though we have a documented agreement for this trip, and I've forked out $$ for tickets, if she holds out, there's not much I can do. Luckily I'll have about 90mins of flex time - so if I do go to their home and they are not there, I have time maybe to fix it. But ultimately - she may get her way.

(I'd be super keen to see how it plays out in reverse - next time I have the kids just not giving them back. It'd be interested to see whether the system would support HER... .But I'm just too scared about how the legal system can screw a guy so easily - so I need to be squeaky clean... .)

[ForeverDad]

This is why I try to schedule vacations to begin on my parenting time.  In 2006, we were separated for less than a year.  I gave her advance written notice.  She said No.  I replied this was a notice, not a request.  Well, sure enough, at the usual exchange on Friday she repeated, No.  I left anyway.  I found out later she tried to get something done but they said she would have to wait for the regular return time Monday evening.  She had the police go to my brother's home, they called me from there.  By then I was states away and explained my vacation.  Essentially they said to get this fixed in court, the typical police advice.  Well, she pursued it, trying to get the deputy to trigger an Amber Alert.  H declined, stating it didn't fit the criteria for Amber Alert.  Smart guy, his report lay the blame on the criteria so she couldn't blame him.  Still, she pushed for an investigation, rousting the investigator who rousted my lawyer, who had his clerk call me to tell me to call her every few days to let preschooler talk to his mother.  I replied, she was always free to call, she had my number, she could have just called herself.  They said just call her and hand phone to son.

Similar issue with traded time.  Get it in writing.  In the early days my ex would seek to make a trade and then fail to comply with my side of the trade.  So for the first couple years I had to make sure any traded times were in writing and started with me getting my time first.

[ArleighBurke]

But she has "control"... .

I know how this will play out - I will go to her home sat at 9am and she won't be there. I'll call her and she'll tell me that she's "out with the kids" and "she'll meet me at the airport - I just need to tell her when".

So I fully believe she'll allow the kids to go away with me. But she will get her way - by dropping them at the airport herself, and making a big song and dance about how they'll miss her, and they have to call her everyday and (over the top puke).

And there is no recourse for her. Despite our written "agreement", the only way I can try to stop her doing this is court - and this isn't a big enough thing to make it worthwhile.