Not even friends now

[Azrimic]

Hi.  It has been quite a while since I've been on here and I need you guys.  It might take me a while to remember all the special names for everything, so please excuse me.

A quick back-story... .   In January, my GFwBPD and I broke up.  I ended it as the BPD was affecting my grown-up kids (who still lived with us).  I had been with her for about 2.5 years (living together for a year) and best friends for a year before that.  We remained best friends after the split.  At no point, ever, had she done the whole shunning me thing.

Skip forward until now... .  A couple of months ago she started seeing someone.  She denied it for a while, lying through her back teeth, then reluctantly admitted it.  I don't know why she felt the need to lie - we were just friends, best friends, and new relationships is something you talk about with your bestie.  From that point she got positively nasty via messaging, although would still be sweet as pie if we bumped into each other face to face.  She has got worse and worse.  We no longer speak, even message, unless it's to say something horrible.  She came to collect her stuff she left at my house only 2 days ago (yes, stuff she had left since January - boxes and boxes of paperwork, a gaming chair, her posh camera - lots of stuff, more than would fit in one large-car trip. 

She is being vile to me.  I've lost my best friend as well as my partner.  I'm torn between being so, so upset and being so damn angry! I thought I'd got away lightly, BPD-wise, because I'd not experienced the whole "I've suddenly decided you're awful" thing.  Now I've experienced it.  It's horrible.  Really horrible.  It came out the middle of nowhere and blindsided me.  I have to deal with her for just a little bit more as she still has stuff to collect because it wouldn't all fit in her car at once.  She is also insisting I still have certain stuff there that I don't, saying I will have to pay for it to be replaced, etc.  I know that I don't - I know my legal standing on this and she doesn't have any whack with this, but the stress is unbearable.  I can't wait for her to have the rest of what is at my house so that I can just block her on everything.  EXCEPT, she still has some stuff at my parents' house and plans to ask them if she can keep it there - she still has contact with them and they think she's great as they've never seen her negative sides, so they will say yes.

[ynwa]

Hey Azrimic,   I am sure this is not easy to deal with, and seems like it is just dragging on right?

I hear you.  Dont worry about labels or being precise, just let out what you are feeling.

A couple of things you said stuck out.  "I dont know why she felt the need to lie" - is more to me "why she felt the need to NOT tell the truth".   

You are caught between being angry and hurt, which are two sides of the same coin.   These are two things that "friends" do not let happen right?   Whatever your labels and history, the two of you have history and love and all that jazz between you.  But things are different now?

Add to that how she is towards you, and you maybe can see that she is projecting how she feels about herself.  Those behaviors pop out when she wants to hide her feelings and thoughts from you perhaps?

I think the last few days might have given you a window to try and make time and space for yourself.  To Detach and disengage and breath.  I like you have tried to be "friends" or recycle with my ex over the last year.  It never works right, especially now that I am "replaced".

On the right, the 5 stages of Detachment might be a good starting point?  They help me on a daily basis.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,
  Ah the lesbian relationship coupled with BPD.

I understand where you are coming from (from personal experience). Women dating women tend to have a pretty deep bond and there is definitely the "best friends" aspect. We are emotional nurturers to begin with. The community is small so it is not uncommon to stay friends with your exes after a break up.

Been there!

This is hard to explain and probably harder to hear:

She never felt the same way about you that you did about her. This doesn't mean she had no love for you, she did but in her disordered way.

BPD is an "attachment" disorder. She likely lied to you because she hadn't fully formed that new attachment and needed you to be around for her in the event it failed. This has nothing to do with love, at least from her perspective... .it has to do with NEED.

I watched my ex paint me black several times during our relationship. It was always when she had another person to put 100 percent focus on, someone she was always talking to without my knowledge at the time. It wasn't always romantic relationships either... .if she had a friend she emulated, someone who was paying her the attention she felt I wasn't, that person would pull focus and I would be an a-hole and demonized. Attempting to rationalize or talk to her during these times only resulted in hostility. They truly feel threatened during these episodes and will not hesitate to file restraining orders, etc.

BPD's mirror. All the good times you had with her, was her mirroring the best parts of YOU. Anytime my ex dated someone else, her personality would seem to change completely. She was "all in" with ALL their interests. When she dated a dominatrix she was into that... .her fiancée now is into scrapbooking and hangs out with women in their 70's (we are in our 40's).

That is what she is into now.

It's extreme ends of the spectrum. We all tend to do this to some extent, disordered or not (take interest in our partners interests) but we still have our own identities. We don't NEED that person to survive, we want them there because they compliment us and our beautiful differences.

It is hard, but you need to try to depersonalize her actions towards you. This isn't really about you, it's about her.

Now is a time you need to set boundaries to heal your heart. Don't let her talk to you like you are garbage or blame you for everything. Keep in mind these are just "words". Don't allow her to use you. If you want her to move her stuff, talk to your parents.

I am a firm believer of NC, at least in order to heal. Some people on this board use LC and it works for them, but for me, cutting my ex off amped up her hostility for awhile, but then she found other targets (I think, ). I had to give myself closure but things are much clearer now.

Don't let her words define who you are, because again, they are just words and they are coming from someone who has a lot of issues.

Instead of trying to understand her motives, why not focus on why this is hurting you so much? What can YOU do to get the closure you need and heal?

PW

[Azrimic]

Thank you, both of you. Some very helpful comments there.