Mom and Gifts

[clover]

My mom is very generous, gift-wise. When she can perform the act of benefactor, she will. My extended family buys into it - they ask her for help, and I don't know her to ever say no. She complains to me that people take her generosity for granted, me being the chief abuser of her kindness, apparently.

I went to private school and had nice clothes (because she was and is obsessed with my appearance and treats me like I'm hideous and need her guidance), and this served as a smokescreen to hide the constant emotional abuse and terror that I experienced while growing up with her. I have PTSD from the gas lighting, rage fits, and lies that my mom engaged in constantly, but she's a great mom because look at how I turned out! She takes credit for my marriage and people in my family totally buy it. She sent me to a private school and I ended up marrying a rich foreigner (DH and I are not rich, but that doesn't matter in her reality), so I definitely owe her credit for my current life. This, despite me having a horrendously abusive father and being subjected to physical abuse by boys in my family (and being blamed for it) and attempted grooming by her boyfriends.

Everyone is easily manipulated by her faux generosity, meanwhile she borrows money from my ailing grandmother (they have their own issues - my gma uses material things as control as well) on the premise that my grandmother is wealthy (she is not, by ANY measure) and therefore should let my mom borrow as needed and pay her back when wanted.

She is now starting to try and play this generosity trick with my son. He is not even 1, but she goes overboard with the gifts. Before he was born, she said that she should be the one that chooses all of my children's clothes. I told her no, I'm the mother, I will pick their clothes. I let her buy him clothing, but recently stopped because she went from buying him a few things to buying him an entire wardrobe. She over-gifted once, and I felt like it was too much, but I thought it might be a one time thing out of excitement. She then said that she had his next season's wardrobe and I told her to take it all back, that he had enough clothing from us (his parents). I said that if she wanted to give him an outfit, she was welcome, but he's all set. She is already fixated on buying the wardrobe for the next baby (we're pregnant) and has taken to telling other people in earshot of me since I've already told her that we have literal boxes of clothes from DS and will not need and do not have space for more.

I thought I had the gifts thing under control by expressing to her that we have plenty of things, and that I don't want the kids to be spoiled and expecting/used elaborate gifts. But it's like wack-a-mole with her.

DS' birthday is a few weeks after Christmas. She bought him a really expensive (and large) monogrammed item and an (also large) outdoor toy, as well as other wrapped gifts, and I just froze. I was surprised because I thought I'd handled it. Our house is tiny, less than 1k sq feet, and I've told her several times no big presents. I told her she could keep the outdoor toy, but then I stated that we could keep it at DH's parents house. We don't need any of these things, but I feel bad about turning away her generosity. With clothes, it was easier for me because I'm used to her using clothing as control. But after our interaction (I'm really awkward with her and am just trying to hold it together in order to be with the rest of my family and get out of there, and I have issues with dissociating), I realized that she totally trampled my boundaries again. I later told her that it would be better to keep the large outdoor toy at her house.

I need to have a larger talk with her about gifting, but I find myself frustrated because I thought that I made it clear that we don't have room for these gifts and don't want the kids to be entitled. There is the larger issue that I don't want her to use the gifts to control them, but I don't even know how to address that. She will deny it. I hesitate to be like "I know your games!" because she then just comes on stronger. This conversation will undoubtedly turn into one about her larger finances and that is not a conversation that I want to have. I have tried before and it turns into a conversation about how it's my fault that she is a financial mess, but also that her finances are totally fine! and I don't know what I'm talking about. There is no having a straight conversation with her. I know that she is spending herself broke and has no plan for retirement besides me bailing her out. She's already asked for our current home and has insisted that we can afford to give that to her (the home and all of our equity, and pay the rest of the mortgage) and and buy another home for ourselves. So I steer clear of all financial convos since they are delusional.

Would the best thing be to reiterate that we do not want the kids receiving big (in size and cost) gifts, and that they are to receive gifts on their birthdays and Xmas only (my mom had this rule for me, so it won't be a new concept to her)? I want to be honest but I don't want to be dragged into an argument or a financial conversation. I think that after talking to her about this (again) I will have to start not accepting and/or returning gifts.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Clover! 

I'm not sure that I have the answers, but I did have a thought that I wonder if it might work. Do you think that giving her the option of depositing money into a savings account for the children and giving one gift to them would be a choice she might be interested in? My D1 also lives in a small house, and she asked me to not give big gifts or a lot of gifts. I felt bad that I wasn't spending much. She told me that her in-laws give a lot and larger items to the grandkids, but her preference is to stay small and be satisfied. So I find now that I enjoy finding something small but delightful and pleasing her wishes for the children.

I imagine there are others here who have some good ideas too.
 
Wools

[clover]

Thank you for your reply!

She wanted to open a joint account (with her and my son as the owners) so that she could make deposits, and I told her that she could give us any money she wanted him to have and that we'd put it in the account we have for him. She has stolen money from our joint account (I stopped using it when I moved), opened accounts in my name, and tried to intimidate me into opening lines of credit for her. Access to DS' SSN scares me because she may do the same to him, using her favorite excuse when she borrows or manipulates for money: he's rich, so he will be fine.

Since I said that she can give me whatever funds she'd like him to have, she has not done so. The option is there for her, but she won't give cash if she can't get it back later.

[Notwendy]

If she were my BPD mother, this is how I would see her behavior. For my mother, money and gifts is a form of buying loyalty and having control over people.

I am my mother's black child- she doesn't really like me but this poses a problem for her as she wants to have a close relationship with my kids - that doesn't include me- as if she could do that, but she tries.

Fortunately my kids are older and are on to her, but she still sends them extravagant gifts- and I get an icky feeling when she does- as it is an attempt to gain their "loyalty" to her.

By contrast- she doesn't really want to give me anything. Like you, as a child, I was dressed well, went to good schools. If I ever told anyone about my mother- their response was " she couldn't be that bad, look how you turned out". While I am grateful that I was cared for and given opportunities, like you, it hid the emotional abuse that went on in my home.

Once I was older, she controlled every penny my father gave me. I worked in college. She had designer clothing. My father had to get her permission to buy me a record album that I wanted.

She sends my kids extravagant gifts and nothing to me. On a major milestone birthday, I got a box in the mail from her. I was stunned to think she thought to buy me a gift. When I opened it, it was a generic  inexpensive gift she gives to the people who help her- like her cleaning lady. I know this because I have taken her shopping when she buys these things. I had pretty much gotten over even wanting a gift from her, but this one was tough- it had been decades since she gave me something so I guess I still had some hope that she'd think of something personal to me when I saw the box. Something inexpensive would have been fine, but I had hoped maybe it was something more personal.


This is my take on your mother's actions:

She won't give you the money to deposit because then- you would control it. It has to be direct from her to the kids. Beware the joint account with her and them. By the time they are old enough to access it ( like in college) it will be a shared account with her- a connection that excludes you.

She's grooming your kids to be loyal to her and to have an exclusive relationship with her.

The tough part is that you can't control what she buys and sends. As your child is so little, you could take them back, keep them, or give them to charity. Once she sends them, they are yours.

Now my mother sends my kids checks or gift cards. These are used for things they want or for their college funds. However, I have also had tight boundaries on her trying to have an exclusive relationship with them. One was that I didn't leave her alone with them when they were younger. Now, they do have good boundaries themselves and recognize that she has a mental disorder, but I felt I had to protect them until they reached the age to understand this ( teens).