how do I know if he's got BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How do I know if my ex really did have BPD traits? I'm just going by what our therapist said about him after she saw him for 4-5 sessions. Because I was so confused by his actions, the only way for me to have any sense of closure is to assume that she was right.

[starrynight2018]

How do I know if my ex really did have BPD traits? I'm just going by what our therapist said about him after she saw him for 4-5 sessions. Because I was so confused by his actions, the only way for me to have any sense of closure is to assume that she was right.

[Feeling Better]

Hi riverwest

I don’t see how you can know for definite whether your ex really has BPD traits, you can only go by what your therapist told you and your own observations and experiences whilst you were with him.

I am in a similar situation with my uBPD son whereby our therapist told me privately that she thought he most likely had BPD and she advised me to read up on it. I have to say that some of it fits and for me it explains certain aspects of his behaviour that I had previously not seen. But without a diagnosis I will never know for sure and that is unlikely to ever happen as he is in denial that he has a problem, he thinks I am the one with the problem.

So, what are the chances do you think that you will find out whether or not he has BPD?

Can I ask you, why does assuming she was right about him offer you the only way to have any sense of closure? Is it answers to the way he treated you that you are looking for so that you can move on?

[starrynight2018]

Feeling Better,

Thank you for sharing your experience about your son with me... .like you, he told me I'm the one with the problem. I'm so sorry about your situation. I can only imagine what it's like to not have that "normal" relationship with your own son.

I would never know if he did have BPD because he finally moved out last month on his own after falsely accusing me of lying to him. I took it as a blessing in disguise because I didn't have the heart to ask him to leave and I also know that I don't want to have a baby with him (we've been trying to conceive for almost 8 months now through artificial insemination and most likely IVF). I've posted a few times in the bulletin (I'm sorry that I don't know how to attach it with this response) But between September and October he's moved out 4 different times out of our apartment. Each week I'm discovering new lies he's told me through mutual friends, these are the same friends that he's been sabotaging me with and it's only through the grace of God that they didn't engage, but I almost lost their friendship because he's been telling me what they supposedly about me and vice versa with them.

He's been married 2 times already and his last marriage lasted 2 years... .the second year of their marriage was when he met me, but he told me that it was already over and that he was planning on moving out when he and I were just friends. A few months ago, he told me that he and his "ex" were working on their marriage until he fell in love with me. Our mutual friends mentioned that they've never met his ex even during their first year of marriage.

He tells me I'm self-centered, I'm mean, I'm envious of him and his talent (we are in the same field hobby-wise but I make money out of my hobby and he doesn't), I'm jealous of my nieces and nephews because he thinks I felt that he treated them better than he treated me so I took them away from him (these children have families), he makes up lies about me behind my back and it's been going on for a whole entire year and I just discovered this all in November. I was never introduced to any of his friends because supposedly he only have 3 friends and they are all busy, when he does goes out, it's always at last minute thing where it's right after work and I'm not told until after it was over. I can never tell any of our friends that I'm the one that cooks in the house because that would make me "better" than him. He would blatantly lie even when I confront him with the evidence. He would spin it around and before I know it, I'm the one crying and apologizing because I was wrong to suspect him of any wrong doing. I remove a lint from his mustache while he was driving  he would accused me of criticizing him or picking him apart, he broke so many of my dishes and takes no blame for them. I'm always the bad person. We lived together for 2 years and for 2 years he couldn't afford to pay his share of the rent so he paid absolutely nothing, sometimes I even paid for his groceries. I get the blame for the lack of growth in his personal business, he gets mad and have rage over the smallest things and everything I do is a slight towards him. I have to talk a certain way and say things a certain way just the way he wants it to make things better between us. He criticizes my wardrobe even though I'm the one that buys his clothes for him. I can never win with him about anything. He wrote 2 anonymous letters to my school addressed to my principals making up the worst stories about me having inappropriate relationships with the male teachers... .I was confronted with the letters in September and even though I knew it was him, I still took him in because that's when I was told that he might have BPD or NPD. I felt it was my fault that he was losing control. Towards the last 2 months, he borrowed almost 2K from me and haven't paid me back yet. Then I found out he's been seeing someone behind my back since September based on her Facebook post and went to Central America with her. The list goes on and on... .

I'm a very giving person like everyone here in the group and the issue is I don't need someone like him to put the guilt in me because I feel guilty about a lot of things already... .I'm a perfectionist and I'm a people pleaser. He knows my vulnerabilities and completely took advantage of it.

I'm sorry for the rambling. It's been 6 weeks w/nc and today was VERY difficult. I haven't been sleeping for 4 nights now and I'm so tired of waking up crying. I don't want him back. I know he's not the person for me. I am able to finally be myself around people and it's liberating to not have to worry about some fictionalized opinions about my demeanor. Right now and this past week, I am just completely and utterly SHOCKED that after spending 2 years of my life with him, I don't know if there's any truth to anything he's shared with me.

[Feeling Better]

I am so sorry, it must be devastating for you right now, wondering if there was ever any truth in the things he told you, my heart goes out to you.

From what you have written BPD/npd would certainly seem to fit the bill as far as he is concerned.

I am so glad for you that you can recognise that he is not the best person for you and you don’t want him back, but even so, it is perfectly ok and natural for you to feel sad, most likely you are feeling used too, and you have every right to feel that way. I don’t doubt that you probably put a lot more into the relationship than he did, put him and his feelings before your own. People pleaser, we have that in common. I am slowly learning to put myself first, I have needs as much as anyone else, and I am starting to recognise that and not feel guilty about it. Also I used to blame myself for everything in the past, if someone did or said something bad to me, I always managed to turn it around, that I must have done something which caused them to behave that way. No more! I have finally realised that everyone is responsible for themselves and the way they choose to behave.

I know it’s an old cliche, but it is so true, time does heal, it might not feel like that right now but you are strong, you are already starting to regain some of your old self and that makes you feel good about yourself.

Stay positive x

[starrynight2018]

Feeling Better,

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I love what you said about you taking care of your own needs and not feeling guilty about it. I'm starting to do that too. I guess I'll throw my cliche line in the reply... .you have to take care of yourself first before you can care for others:) I'm not sure if you ever listened to the book by Margalis Fjelstad,"Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist," but I know they recommended it here... .it's my second time going through the audiobook. It's wonderful. The part that stood out for me each time is when she talks about projection. She said:

don't take everything they say personally. They blame you for everything he or she things, feels and does. The borderline/narcissist are not reliable person to identify reality. About 90% of the time whatever they say about you is much more of a reliable statement about him or her. 

For myself thank goodness it's only 2 years. I can't fathom what it would be like for us to have this baby and to come to the realization that he is not mentally well. I remembered feeling overwhelmed when we were trying to conceive because I honestly didn't think he could handle the responsibility of being a dad.

I sincerely hope that things will get better for you and your son.

[Afterdivorce]

Please count your lucky stars for not having a child with him.   I was married to a pwBpD who had two sons from a previous marriage.  The physical and verbal abuse tat one of them went through... .was heartbreaking. His rages with older son were terrifying. I blame myself for always removing the son from the situation instead of calling 411!

If you had a child with him, he or she would not only be abused, you had to deal with him years after divorce.

Go and have a nice glass of wine and celebrate my dear.  Celebrate that it was only 2 years ( mine was 15), celebrate that u don’t have a child with him, and celebrate that he left with his own two feet.

You will be just fine.

[starrynight2018]

Afterdivorce,

I'm so sorry that you were in it for 15 years. That is a long time. Did you know that he had BPD when you were married to him? if so at which point? I know I need to stop thinking about the "what ifs... ." but I asked myself, what if I knew about it 3 months ago? 6 months ago? would things have been any different? I'm sure I would still not want to have a child with him , but the handling of everything else... .our disagreements, me being the co-dependent with the desire to want to solve everything for him... .I don't know... .

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I will remember to celebrate as you have advised and yes to all that and so much more. This morning I am encouraged by your words and I say it with all sincerity.