How can they move on so fast?

[Rameses]

Wow! Seven days ago she was on her knees hugging my legs, crying and telling me she promises she will change and not rage anymore. I had to stand firm because her verbal abuse was starting to escalate into physical. I had to leave. A couple of hours ago, I saw her snuggled up to a guy in a bar. What the heck? Im in excruciating pain, and she already has someone new? How could this be? Plus we are still married, just seperated. Are they really that cold?

[crushedagain]

"... .she was on her knees hugging my legs, crying... ."

Wow, this is one of the exact behaviors my ex used to do. It was sad and I always asked her to stop.

The reason they move on so fast is they are absolutely terrified of being alone. They need contact with anyone they can find. They simply can't handle being by themselves.

After my ex took off I was talking to her on the phone briefly. She was crying from a motel room telling me how painful it was to be alone while she could hear people talking outside. She was on her way to see friends the next day but she could barely handle a night alone. I was being honest in that I wasn't going to chase her or deal with her antics anymore. She pleaded with me to please not say anything more until she made it to her friends. It was because she feared that I was going to break up with her on the phone right then (nevermind the fact that she had left me), and she literally would have been in a crisis with nobody around her.

They are very shallow people. They only care about their own needs and NEVER think of us.

[ateu]

Wow! Seven days ago she was on her knees hugging my legs, crying and telling me she promises she will change and not rage anymore. I had to stand firm because her verbal abuse was starting to escalate into physical. I had to leave. A couple of hours ago, I saw her snuggled up to a guy in a bar. What the heck? Im in excruciating pain, and she already has someone new? How could this be? Plus we are still married, just seperated. Are they really that cold?

My ex was in a new relationship within a week. That's just their modus operandi. I was very hurt, sad, pissed off and got totally crazy when I saw this. It felt like our whole relationship didn't mean anything if he could replace me so quickly.

But I agree it's about the combination that they can't be alone, and can't take our feelings into consideration. He just choose the first girl that showed interest in him I imagine, and just went for it.

I thought it was really inconsiderate of love bombing her on fb with the exact same phrases he used to say to me on her open page so it show up in my feed. That is not something I would do not even a week after a relationship for over 3 years ended. But he did, simply because he wanted to enter a new phase of love bombing - just with another one this time. My feelings are never in the picture.

Especially after a break-up, I do think they enter survival mode. Need to push away the bad feeling the break up has cause, and they do this by finding someone else who will give them the attention.

I do agree that they are shallow to some extent, they drop "I love you's" like confetti over a parade. I do believe they have more or less strong feelings for different persons, just like anyone else. The problem I would say is that it is impossible to know whether they are sincere or not, because they behave the same with everybody regardless. That is why I have seen lots of people cut my ex out of their life, becuase they had this false sense of a beginning romance with him.

It hurts like hell, I know that. I am still hurting after two months, but it does gets easier.

I am trying to be rational about the situation and convince myself it's better I go through this pain now, than further down the lane if we stay together.

I feel your pain, you are not alone!

[Rameses]

We have been no NC for one week. But almost everyday I get a call that says "private number" or "unavailable" and I know its her. But after the incident last night, I thought for sure those days were over. Well, apparently not, I just recieved one of those calls (Incidentally I never answer them). So last night she was cuddled up to my replacement and today I get one of her anonymous calls.

[crushedagain]

We have been no NC for one week. But almost everyday I get a call that says "private number" or "unavailable" and I know its her. But after the incident last night, I thought for sure those days were over. Well, apparently not, I just recieved one of those calls (Incidentally I never answer them). So last night she was cuddled up to my replacement and today I get one of her anonymous calls.

I have received one "private number" call and wondered if it was her. The thing is, there's no way to know.

[love4meNOTu]

Wow! Seven days ago she was on her knees hugging my legs, crying and telling me she promises she will change and not rage anymore. I had to stand firm because her verbal abuse was starting to escalate into physical. I had to leave. A couple of hours ago, I saw her snuggled up to a guy in a bar. What the heck? Im in excruciating pain, and she already has someone new? How could this be? Plus we are still married, just seperated. Are they really that cold?

I don't think cold... it's just that as a non we don't understand the depth of pain/ shame they feel. I'm not excusing it at all, it's so terribly painful and it feels like betrayal to us. Can you imagine being in so much pain and needing relief that you reach out to anything/ anyone you feel can ease it? Even people who could possibly hurt them physically?

This isn't your fault, it's a mental disorder, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been through it as well, even though I left the relationship. ExhwBPD traits was engaged very shortly after the divorce (not quite sure of the timing). I wanted that divorce, I wanted him away from me and my kids, but it still hurt on a level I have never experienced before.

The only thing that got me through it was a therapist and time, and eventually a better relationship for me. Please take some time to breathe and figure out something to do that gives you relief, but doesn't harm or involve others in order to get that relief. L

[Maya60]

Same story here. I just found out he's already searching for dates after 5 weeks. Well, maybe 5 weeks is still long compared to the stories in this topic. But it hurts me a lot. Especially since he still texts me about missing me and whether we can be together again.
I feel sad... .I wish he finally learned something from his past mistakes... .but he doesn't at all. He will continue and destroy the next persons life.

And still. I do miss him.
What a paradox 

[Rameses]

Having to see her sitting there laughing with another guy was more than I could handle. I literally came home and called the suicide hotline (first time ever) and spoke to a really nice person for about 45 minutes, it did help. But when I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle if the night last night, the thoughts that Im not going to make it through this pain were so pervasive that I went into a panic attack. Somehow I made it through this day even though I really care if I did or not

[crushedagain]

Having to see her sitting there laughing with another guy was more than I could handle. I literally came home and called the suicide hotline (first time ever) and spoke to a really nice person for about 45 minutes, it did help. But when I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle if the night last night, the thoughts that Im not going to make it through this pain were so pervasive that I went into a panic attack. Somehow I made it through this day even though I really care if I did or not

I know it's hard to see it right now, but do you really want to be with a woman who thinks nothing of replacing you at a moment's notice? For me, the answer is a resounding "no."

[EdR]

You know... .I don't think all people with BPD or BPD traits move on THAT fast... .Let me share a few of my own insights:

I know 'beauty' and 'BPD' have a very debatable correlation. Most of the experts seem to disagree that BPD is more common in people who are seen as 'beautiful'. But I think that's the wrong way of looking at it. Or as a friend (who happens to be a psych) told me: "Strange question, but is she really pretty? Yes? Well, then she's truly *&^%-ed"

I believe people with BPD can learn to cope with their illness. But to be able to cope, they first need to be aware there truly is a problem. Then they need the incentive to fix that problem. And then and only then might they develop skills to help them cope.

Let's look at a 'ugly' person with BPD. When they eventually leave their r/s out of fear of abandonment or fear of engulfment, when nobody gives them attention anymore and they run out of "supplies of attention" they are alone with their hurt. They desperately try to cling on every available lifeline, but at some point there are none left. The 'ugly' person does not have this 'magical biological magnetic attention'-mechanism.
What will happen? Well... .they truly feel the hurt and they might become even more extreme in their cry for attention (suicidal) or in less severe cases they might start to feel the need to somewhat alter their behaviour. Develop new skills. With or without external help. In the long run, over several failed relationships they might have had the chance to truly learn.

Now, let's take a look at the 'pretty' person with BPD (or any other characteristic that makes people popular these days). When they leave or blow up their r/s, they might feel the hurt for one night when they are alone in their bedroom. But is that so different from how we feel? We are hurting far more, for a far longer period of time. Of course, their potential true BPD pain may be the 'mother of all hurt'... .
BUT before their true BPD pain may hit home, they'll make sure they get attention elsewhere. They'll party with friends, maybe even seduce some guy/girl within days of breaking up.
Their beauty is both a curse and a blessing. It is a blessing, because they simple can forget all about you. You don't even matter anymore. They are able to avoid the true BPD pain by utilising their huge supply of attention.
They will probably never see the problem and thus WILL NOT see the need to change. THERE IS NO NECESSITY TO ALTER THEIR BEHAVIOUR. No psychiatrist in the world could tell them otherwise.

Their blessing is OUR curse. And only in the very long run could it come back to haunt them. For it still is their curse as well.


Just my 2 cents.

[Rameses]

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning the mental image of her sitting there with him(my replacement) is seared in my brain. I can`t stop thinking about it. It`s like it is literarily a permeant picture someone plasterd right in front of my eyes. I am frozen with fear and doom. Please don`t tell me to go to the gym or do something nice for myself. It`s way past that at this point. Also, please don`t tell me to just let the pain be, sit with it... .blah blah blah. I have tried many many things in the last 5 years... .prayer, 1000`s of hours of counseling, medications, meditation, codependency classes, EMDR therapy, trying to stay busy, talking with friends and family(they are all worn out of hearing about it, their advice after I have  recycled 7,8 or 9 times... .":)o whatever makes you happy", we don`t know what to do for you anymore) and I`m sure there are many others that I just can`t think of right now. And none of these have helped ease the pain or break the cycle of madness of having been in a relationship with a BPDw. And now all I can think about is this person who has treated me so badly sitting at a bar, laughing it up with a new guy one week after she told me that she would rather kill herself than be without me. As I sit here experiencing the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life, it`s all too much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster way too long. I`m exhausted, confused, and now I am convincing myself that it was all probably my fault (even though intellectually I know that is not true).
There is only one thing on this earth that will ease this excruciating pain, and that is making contact with her, to get my fix. And we all know that is just temporary and not the long term solution. Everyone says it just takes time, and I agree, but at this early stage in this latest breakup... .time I do not have. I really and truly do not want to go through one more day of this debilitating pain. I have run out of options.

[EdR]

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning the mental image of her sitting there with him(my replacement) is seared in my brain. I can`t stop thinking about it. It`s like it is literarily a permeant picture someone plasterd right in front of my eyes. I am frozen with fear and doom. Please don`t tell me to go to the gym or do something nice for myself. It`s way past that at this point. Also, please don`t tell me to just let the pain be, sit with it... .blah blah blah. I have tried many many things in the last 5 years... .prayer, 1000`s of hours of counseling, medications, meditation, codependency classes, EMDR therapy, trying to stay busy, talking with friends and family(they are all worn out of hearing about it, their advice after I have  recycled 7,8 or 9 times... .":)o whatever makes you happy", we don`t know what to do for you anymore) and I`m sure there are many others that I just can`t think of right now. And none of these have helped ease the pain or break the cycle of madness of having been in a relationship with a BPDw. And now all I can think about is this person who has treated me so badly sitting at a bar, laughing it up with a new guy one week after she told me that she would rather kill herself than be without me. As I sit here experiencing the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life, it`s all too much. I have been on this emotional roller coaster way too long. I`m exhausted, confused, and now I am convincing myself that it was all probably my fault (even though intellectually I know that is not true).
There is only one thing on this earth that will ease this excruciating pain, and that is making contact with her, to get my fix. And we all know that is just temporary and not the long term solution. Everyone says it just takes time, and I agree, but at this early stage in this latest breakup... .time I do not have. I really and truly do not want to go through one more day of this debilitating pain. I have run out of options.

Have you read my post just before yours? I think we'd have to translate that into "a slap in your face" 

So, let's see:
-) go back to someone who does not care about you anymore and has done everything to push your memory out of her system
-) go back to someone who has NOT changed for the better
-) go back to someone who will feel NO true desire to change
-) go back to someone to repeat the same cycle all over again

Sounds great, right?

Trying to get "your fix" will keep you addicted to her. And things will only worsen.

My guess is you know all of this already! So the real question is, are you really willing to go "cold turkey". Or do you want to keep feeding your addiction.

In that case, you're right indeed; we cannot help you.

[Rameses]

Your Quote:
My guess is you know all of this already! So the real question is, are you really willing to go "cold turkey". Or do you want to keep feeding your addiction.

In that case, you're right indeed; we cannot help you.

I thought I was very clear, I know that having any contact with her was not the fix. I only said, that unfortunately that is the only thing that will stop the pain at this point, BUT THAT IS NOT THE ANSWER, been there done that SEVEREAL times.
Your comment "we cannot help you" just puts salt in the wound... .not helpful at all. I was under the impression this board was here to help those who feel helpless, hopeless and are in crisis.
If it were me, no matter how hopeless a situation seemed or how distraught a person felt, I would never use the words "I can`t help you".
No addict "wants" to go back to the drug, but sometimes the pain without the drug is so excruciating, that they rationalize the pain of being addicted is better than the pain of withdrawal.

 
 
 

[EdR]

Your Quote:
My guess is you know all of this already! So the real question is, are you really willing to go "cold turkey". Or do you want to keep feeding your addiction.

In that case, you're right indeed; we cannot help you.

I thought I was very clear, I know that having any contact with her was not the fix. I only said, that unfortunately that is the only thing that will stop the pain at this point, BUT THAT IS NOT THE ANSWER, been there done that SEVEREAL times.
Your comment "we cannot help you" just puts salt in the wound... .not helpful at all. I was under the impression this board was here to help those who feel helpless, hopeless and are in crisis.
If it were me, no matter how hopeless a situation seemed or how distraught a person felt, I would never use the words "I can`t help you".
No addict "wants" to go back to the drug, but sometimes the pain without the drug is so excruciating, that they rationalize the pain of being addicted is better than the pain of withdrawal.

 
 
 

You misinterpret what I am saying. I clearly state in the beginning of the post that I am translating my post into "a slap in your face".

So I am just trying to help here as you yourself indicate quite strongly that NONE of the well-intentioned advice has helped you.
You basically said yourself you wanted none of that... .

Salt is a purifying substance... .

[once removed]

Hi Rameses,

I think that if you want to reach out, it's a good idea to work with us on the Saving board. We will support you in whatever your next moves are, but this is a board for detaching, so most of the advice will center around that.

[Rameses]

"saving board"?
What in my posts makes you think I'm trying to save this relationship?
I am desperately trying to detach! That is my whole goal in life right now. I only posted because I`m having great difficulty in doing so. I simply brought up an incident were I saw her with someone else and it knocked me back several steps in my attempt to detach.
Maybe I misinterpreted your comment, please clarify if I did.

[once removed]

There is only one thing on this earth that will ease this excruciating pain, and that is making contact with her, to get my fix.

how can we best support you right now Rameses?

[Rameses]

What I meant by my comment was, the only thing that will ease my pain at  this point is making contact with her. That`s the opposite of what I know I should do and it just points out the utter hopeless I feel knowing the only thing that will help me to ease or get rid of this excruciating pain is really not an option for me.
I don`t know what I need, there are no easy fixes, I`m at the end of my rope and have seemingly run out of options. So, I just thought posting here would help a little.
Maybe I`m not articulating myself very clearly, I`m in sever pain and maybe it`s affecting my ability to be clear. All I can tell you is that I am truly at the end of my rope.
Detaching is proving to be much more difficult than I have ever imagined.
I tried it twice before and failed, it was too painful, I ended up going back and I know it got worse each time I recycle, so I know going back is not the answer. But this present pain I am in is just too much for me to handle right now.

[once removed]

i understand, and your pain is palpable. i was at the end of my rope myself, feeling hopeless, isolated, and with thoughts of suicidal ideation.

all of the general advice is good advice, and im glad to hear you checked in with a hotline.

youre right, of course, that there are no quick fixes, and it is really added frustration when you feel like youre doing the things youre supposed to be doing, when its so difficult to muster the will to do them in the first place, and they dont seem to be working. keep doing those things; not because they will take away the pain in an immediate sense, but because they help, as best they can, in maintaining a sense of normalcy, and as the pain subsides, give you something you can build on.

i did them too, and it was so frustrating, because it felt like i was only getting worse. the thing that sustained me was hope in a brighter future. i can imagine how foreign that might seem right now, but i had to believe that things would get better, and that i would go on to greater things. i understand right now is a fight just to make it through another day. years later, i can tell you, as a matter of fact, that it does get better.

i can also tell you, frankly, that talking until i exhausted myself really helped. we are here to listen, and we have been in a similar position, so if it helps, let it fly.

[love4meNOTu]

What I meant by my comment was, the only thing that will ease my pain at  this point is making contact with her. That`s the opposite of what I know I should do and it just points out the utter hopeless I feel knowing the only thing that will help me to ease or get rid of this excruciating pain is really not an option for me.
I don`t know what I need, there are no easy fixes, I`m at the end of my rope and have seemingly run out of options. So, I just thought posting here would help a little.
Maybe I`m not articulating myself very clearly, I`m in sever pain and maybe it`s affecting my ability to be clear. All I can tell you is that I am truly at the end of my rope.
Detaching is proving to be much more difficult than I have ever imagined.
I tried it twice before and failed, it was too painful, I ended up going back and I know it got worse each time I recycle, so I know going back is not the answer. But this present pain I am in is just too much for me to handle right now.

Hi Rameses -

I hurt just reading your post, because I have been there. I can tell you what I did when I was feeling the same as you...

Ok, first of all I was seeing a therapist once, sometimes twice a week. I was in so much pain that it wasn't enough help. (that poor lady I would call her sobbing, she couldn't even understand what I was saying)
I asked her to help me check into a two week program (outpatient) at the local hospital for depression. I did that, didn't take me even two days to get into the program, but you do not need a therapist to call these programs for you, you can do it yourself.

I was definitely not thinking clearly, just like you.

They did this machine gun approach to therapy - We did group therapy, talk therapy (one on one), a medication assessment (where the doctor looked at the low dosage of antidepressants I was taking and upped them 3X!). We also did art therapy and a bit of yoga for mindfulness... all techniques I had no idea how to use and were surprisingly effective. I'm still using the mindfulness techniques today.

I went from not really functioning - to ok - and could handle my life again- in two weeks.

Now I know when I feel that pain creeping up on me, that it's my negative circular thoughts. I have a process to stop them, to circumvent them, and to recognize how they are making me feel. But the 2 weeks was a reset button for my brain, and I needed it.

Listen, in one of our group sessions when I could not stop crying (sigh) the psych. looked at me and said - "Why are you crying? You got away from an abusive man and all of us ADMIRE you for recognizing it so quickly and getting yourself OUT".

They gave me more credit than I did myself.

I hate platitudes, especially when a person is feeling so down... but this will get better. It will. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it's going to get a little better every day, and then you can think more clearly and make decisions about what you want or don't want. But for right now, just work on this one thing. Getting better.

L

[crushedagain]

I understand your pain because I have been there myself. I don't think there are words to describe how low I felt when I was having panic attacks in bed, unable to sleep at night after she left me. I literally had to jump out of bed, I was pacing, my finger was on my neck measuring my seemingly out of control pulse. I felt like I'd die. I was in such terror that it was 3 am and I had my phone in my hand, wondering if I should call 911 or some distant family member. It was so awful. I made it through those nights, and things, while still awful, have improved a bit. I was having a hard time going to the store and cooking for myself - the most basic of tasks.

I think everybody here is trying to help in their own way. But nothing we say is going to magically cure your pain, nor would seeing her again. Only time can heal, as unfortunate as that is. It's been almost 3 months since I've seen my BPD ex, and it still hurts unimaginably bad. I have almost no support structure. In fact, I have only one person I can even talk to anymore, and it's infrequent. I am telling you that if I can keep trudging forth, I believe you can too.

I wish you the best and I believe time will lessen the pain.

[itgetsbetter94]

Omg, I feel your pain- I really do.
For me, finding out about my replacement (so quickly) was both soul crushing and awakening.  I shared my info about new replacement with my psychiatrist and even she looked surprised.  She said, and I quote "He is more ill than I initially thought". She added "he'll marry 3 times before he marries this person" (because he was mentioning marriage with the new person so early on- as he did with me!). It's all telling. This is their disorder. This behaviour is their illness in the full light. It really is, let those words sink in. This kind of behavior is NOT a normal behavior.  If they could take the "normal pill" which would permanently cure them, they would. But they're stuck with/in disorder and do disordered things.
Do not reach out to her. She is not your cure, she is your poison. She will not make you feel better but hurt you even more.
They operate solely on emotions.
After the breakup, we become like them- being emotional and only emotional in the rawest way possible.  And that is ok, there's no helping that. But what we DO have and they don't, is the ability to discipline ourselves.  Feel what you feel, but DO everything possible in order to protect yourself.  Become logical guardian of yourself. Protect your emotions and sanity. Put a reason in the first place, because it will be your savior.  
I promise you, passing of time + NC is the key.       In 3 months from now, everything will look different.  I'm almost at 3 months NC, and even though it still hurts, I fully realize that this needed to happen, I couldn't have stayed. I would hurt either way, staying or not. But this kind of hurt will subside in tine, and is taking me away from him. The staying kind of hurt would be far more damaging, humiliating and annihilating to myself.

[SlyQQ]

Imho they are not terrified of being alone per se they are terrified at the thought of being abandoned which is something they fully expect and prepare for when it actually does happen and are they alone its no biggy and they move on quickly.