He is Mocking My Faith Again After I Shared with Him My Fears

[Tattered Heart]

I'm really hurt today. In the last 2 days we've had some pretty big "surprise", more money pouring out the door moments. Our escrow analysis caused our mortgage to increase by $100/mo. Our septic system is acting up again, and I think this time it's going to be the $5000 fix because the easy fix didn't work. We are in the middle of a kitchen remodel, which leaks out little bits of money every week and all of our savings that we would have used for the septic has been put into the kitchen, a new dishwasher, and replacing our TV that was going out. My car is 10k away from 300k miles and will need replaced this year.

So this morning my H wakes up fretting about the cost of it, which causes me to start fretting about it. I'm starting to get upset because I'm worried about where the money will come from and then suddenly he starts talking about how much he hates his job. Ok. Thanks. Now I need to worry about if he is going to quit his job or not.

Then I share with him that I'm frustrated that every time we start to get ahead something knocks us back down. It was time for me to go to work. And now he is sending me ranting texts about how God is failing me. Ranting about church. Telling me I don't have faith, etc. I'm really hurt. Why did I trust that I could share with him my real fears and worries?

Even at 2 months dysregulation free, the moment I stopped making my every response about him first, all his kindness just goes out the window. I feel foolish.

And I need some help on how to respond to his texts so I dont have to deal with this when I get home.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Update: I responded with "I see what you're saying. I"m ok now. It'll all work out. Sorry I had a freak out."

He sent one more text on the subject and I said "I'll look at that."

Him: OK. Have a good day. I love you.

(Big sigh of relief.)

But I'm not ok. I'm sad, hurt, and angry he responded that way.

[Lakebreeze]

Tattered Heart,
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. His comments, especially attacking your faith are so hurtful. Unfortunately I don't really have any answers, but lots of sympathy. I have been in your shoes, being told I have no faith, God must be punishing me. Even blaming me for all our financial stress. I'm with you.
I all can say is try to remember that this melt down is all about him. Maybe open up all the texts he has sent and re -read them as being about him. Turn the projection around. Hmmm ... .sounds like HE is questioning his faith. Sounds like HE feels like HE is questioning his church. These are his problems. It just feels better for him to throw it all at you. It's not you.
You have every right to be concerned about the finances. I have no answer for this one because I deal with the same thing. I cannot express any concern about them. He takes it as some personal attack. I haven't figured it out yet but it always includes him saying he hates his job and is going to quit.
I guess I wouldn't respond to the texts untill he calms down and begins to speak some truth.
I'm sorry I can't be more help but wishing you peace and a good day.

[isilme]

I'm sorry.  We should be able to share at times without having to work so hard to keep all these tools and strategies in mind as we do so, and it's not fair that it rarely works out.  We should be able to have freak outs, to need someone to lean on, someone to tell US "it will be okay".

I also know the fears of $$$ going out the door, and how scary it is to have your spouse constantly talking about how he may not keep his job.

I have to believe things will work out - after how crazy my life has been, and how life has buffetted me around like a ship on the sea, things DO seem to happen for a reason.  If only the reason was for your H to see that things DO work out, there are just rough patches first.   

I try to keep things to myself or express them here.  I know H is usually not strong enough emotionally to handle MY fears on top of his own, and so I kinda gave up on a lot of that as something to expect from him.  I look for the things he IS able to do, and try to take some happiness from that, but at this time of year, when he is pretty rough around the edges all the time, it's hard.  Last night, he as going on and on about how his physical issues make him practically dead, useless, not a man, how he's miserable every day, and in pain all the time - this is all I get to hear, usually.  And then he will start in trying to make those MY feelings about HIM, and I ended up waiting for him to go shower so I could sit alone in the kitchen and cry as quietly as I could just to get it out.  His mom uses tears to get her way, at least that's how he sees it, so of course, my tears mean I am being manipulative, not just tired, sad, and overwhelmed. 

I am sorry your H mocks your faith.  God is not a genie, here to rub a lamp and make a wish.  Prayer is not a wish-fulfillment exercise.  His understanding is stunted, likely because he may see God as a be-all-end-all judger, scared that God is assigning him all the blame and responsibility he tries to avoid shame about.  I get something like that from H at times.

[Tattered Heart]

It's funny that by helping someone else with their question I can get insight into my own.

So I realized that when my H sees me being upset that he does not understand the difference between me being upset with the situation and me being upset with him. He thinks that because my emotions are high and my voice is loud that it is directed at him, which kind of makes sense since he was the only person in the house for me to talk to. If I had been listening to his words better I probably would have heard him beginning to JADE. I think I vaguely remember him saying something like "I'm doing everything I can." If I had not been in emotion mind, I would have easily been able to see that he felt like he was being attacked.

On another note, I got his paystub today with my H's Xmas bonus on it. It was double the amount as usual so the septic is almost fully funded if we pull from our emergency fund too.

[Tattered Heart]

One more little add on to this.

I got home yesterday and H was in a great mood. WHile we were making plans for the evening he says "You were having behaviors and need to use some DBT skills."   We both laughed and he told me that I was acting more borderline than him. We laughed again. And went about our evening.

He never brings up BPD or if he does, he calls is bi-polar. I thought he had completely forgotten about learning what BPD was when he discovered it months ago. I never speak of it. We do watch DBT videos together, but that's like every 2-3 weeks when we remember. I wonder if he is reading and learning more about it on his own. Kind of makes me want to cry knowing that he may really be committed to personal growth.

[walkinthepark247]

Tattered, I know that this is going a little off-subject. But, what DBT videos do you watch together?  Thanks!

I am going through something somewhat similar. A couple of weeks ago, my wife wanted to "do everything to save the marriage". At that time, she agreed to seek diagnostic testing and speak with a psychologist. There was a period of relative calm. It's all come shattering down. It's back to "You [me] are the one with a mental illness! I'm perfectly fine.". Ugh. 

[Tattered Heart]

They are on youtube. I'll message you the info.

[5xFive]

Tattered,
I’m so sorry you had to go through this but I’m glad that the crazy stress of the financials is a little better now. I feel like my h does the same thing with ANYTHING I share with him. He twists it and makes it negative and then pushes it on me when he’s dysregulating. I don’t like secrets and I don’t think they are healthy, especially in the kind of relationships we’re in, so instead of keeping my thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams to myself, I usually sit on them for a few days when I want to tell him how I’m feeling. I mull it and rub it in my mind until it’s smooth and polished and then I share it with him. But when I do, it is with my own understanding that it may come back to me broken and twisted and that’s ok. I know what it was to start and I made a conscious decision to share it and it’s so strong in my own heart and mind that it doesn’t matter what he says.
That being said. Go you for your response! I rarely am able to respond in a way that calms him immediately, . I still manage to make things worse so much more often than I help ease them. And he is so obviously making strides, even just watching videos with you!

[Tattered Heart]

I rarely am able to respond in a way that calms him immediately, . I still manage to make things worse so much more often than I help ease them. And he is so obviously making strides, even just watching videos with you!

I really had to change my goals in my responses to him. My goal stopped being "make him calm down". It changed to "What does he need from me?" When I see the answer to that question, then I can begin empathizing with him, addressing his real issue, and as a consequence, he will often calm down because he feels like I am willing to listen to him.

When I'm emotional like I was yesterday, it never goes well. My emotions push his emotions which push my emotions and we keep escalating until I'm driving down the interstate bawling my eyes out while he is text bombing me insults. It just doesn't end well.

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

Sorry to hear about your septic tank, don't get me started on those. They sure love to suck the money down! Argh! One of the least fun things I can think of to have to spend money on for sure!

This quote really resonated with me:

So I realized that when my H sees me being upset that he does not understand the difference between me being upset with the situation and me being upset with him. He thinks that because my emotions are high and my voice is loud that it is directed at him, which kind of makes sense since he was the only person in the house for me to talk to. If I had been listening to his words better I probably would have heard him beginning to JADE. I think I vaguely remember him saying something like "I'm doing everything I can." If I had not been in emotion mind, I would have easily been able to see that he felt like he was being attacked.

This is exactly it! I am trying to get my h to see this - that me being upset rarely lasts long and it is possible to take it in stride. He says he is starting to get it more. His ex tended to pour on the drama until she got what she wanted. I am not that way. So, some of his confusion about emotions comes from his past experiences.

Long story about how h did not handle it well on my way to the airport this week.  (Some of his stuff is just that he has never known otherwise, not just having these issues, so I try to believe that he has a lot of potential to learn on at least some things.) It was very painful and upsetting, whenever he stresses threats tend to come out, but he apologized and I'm gonna let it go. I have other stuff to focus on this week. He really just can't think straight at times and has no idea how to say or do something to make things better in stressful situations. We can work on it.

I used to feel like someone "needed to really learn a lesson" and "properly apologize", but anymore I feel like an apology is an apology and I take it. I am not the apology police, and I am happy for any kindness. Life is hard enough as it is, no need for me to make it any harder for others who are also doing the best they can with what they have in life.

Hold strong to your faith. He can't take it from you. Let it be a solace for you, a place a refuge. 

wishing you happiness and peace, pearlsw.

[Steeplechase]

I really had to change my goals in my responses to him. My goal stopped being "make him calm down". It changed to "What does he need from me?" When I see the answer to that question, then I can begin empathizing with him, addressing his real issue, and as a consequence, he will often calm down because he feels like I am willing to listen to him.

That's some ninja stuff right there. I know the truth of this but, it still happens like 2 hours after the meltdowns for me.  We'll get there.

I'm glad the crisis was avoided.  It still leaves behind anxiety, even if all that happened was the anticipation of bad times. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the stables.