Hello again

[CollectedChaos]

Hello all,

I am "new" here... .I found this site 5 or so years ago and posted a few times back then, but can't for the life of me remember my old account info so I figured I would start fresh 

I'm back, after going through a few years of NC/VLC with my uBPD mother.  After my wedding, she attempted to extort me for money I didn't owe her, among other things, and I ultimately decided to no longer have contact with her because the stress and drama were eating me alive.  We've been in a handful of situations over the years since where we've had to be in the same room, and I have always met those with basic pleasantries and nothing more.  For the last couple of years, I've found my life is so much less stressful.  I no longer feel guilty about not speaking to her - I know that it was the best decision for me.

My brother got married in October, and his bridal shower and wedding were the first times I had seen my mother in quite some time.  Both events went fine (whew!), but since then, I have been stuck with some feelings I wasn't expecting to circle back to.  I've realized that I feel abandoned by her.  Even though I am the one who walked away, I feel as though she abandoned me.  I feel silly feeling that way (one of the things I have the hardest time with as an adult is being able to "feel" my feelings... .I always second guess what is appropriate, since I was never able to express my feelings as a child without being told I was wrong).  I'm trying to work through all of this with my T, but I remembered this board and figured it was a good time to revisit.

So, long story short, I'm back - thank you for this wonderful forum and all of the help and support it provides.  I appreciate you all!

[Panda39]

Hi CollectedChaos,

Welcome back to the BPD Family    Glad you decided to jump back in and post. 

A couple of questions... .

What do you think it was about the wedding festivities and seeing your mom again has triggered these new feelings?

Do you feel abandoned by your mom (who she is) or do you feel abandoned by the mom (you wished for)? Could your feelings of abandonment be grief?

Panda39

[CollectedChaos]

Thank you, Panda

I think that it was seeing her and my brother interact that got to me the most.  While I know that their relationship is also strained, they still have contact somewhat regularly and it seems as though she has been better about respecting his boundaries than she ever was with me (which ultimately forced my NC decision).  Even though I know it isn't logical, it made me feel as though he was more "worth it" than I was.  I don't think she is actually thinking about it in that way, but memories of him almost always being the golden child and me always being the "problem" resurfaced. 

I definitely feel abandoned by the mother I never had, and not her.  I feel like there is so much that I missed out on because I had to be her mother instead of her being mine.  So yes, I guess you are right that it is really grief at it's core.  Thank you for that enlightenment - I hadn't framed it that way in my mind. 

[madeline7]

I am one of 3 siblings, and my uBPDm manipulates each of us differently and the 3 of us deal with her manipulations differently. Even though I was never the golden child, I am now the one she leans on most (mainly due to my healthcare background and she is now elderly). My siblings have a "better" relationship with her, but I believe it is in part due to her not expecting as much from them. So when I am the one setting a healthy boundary, she rages. When they set limits, she appears to understand they don't always have the time for her. A great example was one time when I received multiple frantic voicemails asking me to go to the pharmacy to pick up medication (that could have waited a few days). I was literally at a surprise party for a 100 year old and the woman was almost at the point where she would be walking into the party. I quickly called Mom back to remind her my phone was off for 1 hour due to the surprise. She said she needed me to go to the pharmacy because one sister was not feeling well and the other was "drying fruit". Yep. Drying fruit. So much more important than an everyday 100th birthday party. Unbelievable. Unfortunately the drama has seeped into my relationships with my siblings, and the oldest no longer speaks to me and refuses to work it out with me at this point. I think it is very natural for your feelings to resurface when you have to see your Mom at family events. I also think these complicated emotions can resurface at other times as well since this is a process. You seem to me to be a very strong person, one who was able to make the decision to limit your contact with your Mom, but still be able to be in the same room so you can be there for your other family members, as well as for yourself. Stay strong and I wish you peace.

[CollectedChaos]

Thank you for your message - I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to respond! 

Interesting to hear that perhaps its more common for BPD family members to react to boundary setting differently depending on who is setting them.  Thank you for that insight - glad to see that it may be a trend and not just specific to my mother.  I'm so sorry that you had to go through that particular incident... .they do always seem to need us at the most inopportune times, and cannot understand why that is draining.

I wish you peace as well - thank you again!