First effort to get a firm footing outside the whirlwind...

[bedwyr]

Hello,

  I've been with my partner for four years, and while we do love and appreciate each other - and remain committed to staying together - it has often been a rollercoaster. Her reactions and emotions are often irrational, inconsistent and totally disproportionate to the situation, her assessments of herself and others are unstable and extreme, and she has little control over her emotions or ideas. For a long time, I assumed this was due to cultural differences (I'm Canadian and she's French, and so I chalked it up to that), and my own issues (sexual dysfunction and depression, both significantly improved). But we've relocated to Canada from France and the frequency and intensity of her irrational outbreaks is increasing - to the point where I've noticed a longstanding pattern affecting not only our relationship but her relationship to her friends, family, neighbours, colleagues, employers, etc. It's beginning to feel like we're spinning in circles, and I'm constantly careful about everything, including my facial expressions, mood, word choice, reactions to her complaints... .

  Anyway, I finally figured it was worth looking at the DSM-5 criteria for BPD, as the behaviour didn't quite fit with bi-polar or depressive disorders. It seems pretty clear that she's got at least mild BPD, in tandem with anxiety issues (our family doctor already suggested anxiety might be a problem, but she's refused to take this seriously, despite having endured a traumatic childhood). Unfortunately, she's not at all in a place where she could 'hear' this, from myself or a therapist, and continues to insist everything's my fault. This, while simultaneously insisting that I'm an excellent, caring and thoughtful partner. It's exhausting and demoralizing.

  I'm here to review other posts and get a sense of how others have dealt with this. I'm hoping that, over time, we'll be able to deal with her issues head-on. She's open to couples counseling, which she feels will help me accept what I've been doing wrong. I'm hoping that within that context we might be able to broach the topic of her own destructive patterns, and maybe then lead into a treatment programme specific to her needs.

  I've been feeling pretty isolated, as she both exhorts me to see my friends/family while complaining about them and making it difficult; and I'm reluctant to socialize without her since she's relatively new to the country and doesn't yet have her own supports outside of our relationship. This, fortunately, is something we've been able to address (though not in relation to BPD, which hasn't been mentioned).

  As a medical anthropologist studying alcoholism support groups, I know from second-hand experiences that this sort of forum can be useful, particularly in reducing self-blame and guilt. But for the moment, I have no specific questions or anything - just looking to keep my mind open and to give myself a concrete reminder that I'm not the only one dealing with this, and am not responsible for the root causes.

  I wish anyone reading this the very best of luck with their own difficulties, and look forward to reading your posts on here.

Best,
"Bedwyr"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi Bedwyr - I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did.  As someone whose relationship is at 21 years, I can say the last 10 after finding this site have seen improvement.

I also have to ask - is your username related to the Mary Stweart Crystal Cave series/King Arthur's friend before Lancelot was invented? 

[pearlsw]

Hi bedwyr,

  Thanks for sharing your story with us - I'm sure a lot of us here can relate to this! You are definitely not alone and you are not responsible for causing another person's illness related behaviors - but you can help yourself and find better ways to support your partner here!

You say you are getting familiar with the site... .May I ask if you have tried out any of the tools yet on the site yet? I was amazed when I first learned about it how helpful not JADE-ing can be. Depersonalization has also been an important tool for me to use. At times it feels like a big experiment seeing what makes sense and works and what doesn't. There is no one size fits all answer for ourselves or in relating with others as the degree and character of the illness or illnesses our partners may have can vary so much.

Oh yes, think this site can be useful in many ways - reducing the pain of confusion over the issues we face for sure! I'm in a very isolating situation myself so I agree - interacting here, engaging with others and actively supporting & learning from others  here has definitely improved my quality of life.

please keep posting and sharing and supporting!

wishing you the best, pearlsw.