Trying to move beyond codependency

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm going to try articulating myself here first in order to try to be more constructive with uBPDh.

I just argued and pled with a customer service department at a store in an attempt to keep H from being upset later. I have done that kind of thing throughout our whole relationship. He gets very angry about things, so he sends me to straighten out the wrong that's been done to us.

I've finally realized that's not in line with my values. I now work in customer service and see people chew out my employees (and me) over things we can't fix for them, because they're afraid or otherwise upset underneath. I don't want to do that to the ordinary person who deals with customers.

So tonight when H is upset that I didn't get a resolution:
1. Don't take it personally. He's not really mad at ME.
2. Don't blame him for the mistake. (Gonna be hard.)
3. Say that he can take it up with the company if he still feels it can be resolved, but do not take on that responsibility.
4. Say that it isn't the fault of the ordinary worker we talk to. And we'd be better off accepting the loss and moving on. It's not different than other situations where we've made a mistake.
5. Validate his feelings, but don't stoke them. Don't be sarcastic. Don't bring up the whole relationship history of me doing this for him and how I am DONE. Just don't do it further with this time.

Right?

[ElinorD]

I'm going to try articulating myself here first in order to try to be more constructive with uBPDh.

I just argued and pled with a customer service department at a store in an attempt to keep H from being upset later. I have done that kind of thing throughout our whole relationship. He gets very angry about things, so he sends me to straighten out the wrong that's been done to us.

I've finally realized that's not in line with my values. I now work in customer service and see people chew out my employees (and me) over things we can't fix for them, because they're afraid or otherwise upset underneath. I don't want to do that to the ordinary person who deals with customers.

So tonight when H is upset that I didn't get a resolution:
1. Don't take it personally. He's not really mad at ME.
2. Don't blame him for the mistake. (Gonna be hard.)
3. Say that he can take it up with the company if he still feels it can be resolved, but do not take on that responsibility.
4. Say that it isn't the fault of the ordinary worker we talk to. And we'd be better off accepting the loss and moving on. It's not different than other situations where we've made a mistake.
5. Validate his feelings, but don't stoke them. Don't be sarcastic. Don't bring up the whole relationship history of me doing this for him and how I am DONE. Just don't do it further with this time.

Right?

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi ElinorD, good for you for finally setting some boundaries and taking steps to liberate yourself from codependency! Here's a thread I started on codependency that may have some useful info for you. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317634.0

I think right to all instead of defending the CS representative. If your husband is anything like my wife, hearing someone else is not to blame may only stoke their feelings of being invalidated.

While we're sharing, here's a shortlist of things I've done out of codependency that were way outside my own values and caused me incredible pain:

- Threatened to sue child's extremely young and naive preschool teacher on wife's behalf
- Refused to let my grandparents see their precious great grandchildren (my grandmother died within six months, don't think it was a coincidence)
- Cut off all contact with my younger brother and sister in law
- Allowed my wife to hit the kids
- Allowed my wife to hit me, throw things at me, lock me out, kick me out
- Allowed my wife to read all my emails and social media correspondence

I could probably go on for a day. Now I'm putting boundaries in place one by one and though its not pretty at first, I believe it may be effecting some change in her behavior in the longterm.

ElinorD I also strongly encourage you to watch this TEDX video and read this article about self-compassion. It's completely changing the way I interact with myself as I work to end my codependency and become emotionally healthy, with or without my spouse's support:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4
www.self-compassion.org/what-self-compassion-is-not-2/

Hope this all helps and please let us know how it goes.

 

[RolandOfEld]

.

[pearlsw]

Hi ElinorD and RolandofEid,

This is a very interesting discussion! Thanks for sharing this with all of us and giving us a chance to discuss such topics!

ElinorD, your approach reminds me at times how I have felt like I have to provide better customer service - but to my partner. I don't always think of it like this, but I notice that mindset of depersonalization is very helpful in some interactions with my partner. We certainly wouldn't let ourselves be spoken to in abusive ways in other situations, so why not from our partners? It's not easy, you are both right, it takes time to institute new ways of communicating. I definitely think the more self aware we become about the things we say and do can make a big difference - it is especially key for helping us to hold onto reality when times get especially tough!

Can anyone else relate to this element of struggle in a relationship with our partners? Anyone else have ideas that have worked, or at least not made things worse?