Separated but trying to repair my marriage.

[Fiber_B]

Hi, this is my first time posting and I just learned of my wife's diagnosis of BPD. We have been married for 7 years, together for 11 and have two kids ages 4 and 1.5. I thought my marriage was pretty good, I love my wife and treat her really good. I was deployed overseas recently and spoke with her every day. Everything seemed good over the phone and texts. I cam home after two months for a short visit and she immediately told me she no longer loved me. I knew there had to be another guy in the picture. I found out 3 days later there definitely was. I came home terminated my deployment and confronted her. She admitted to the one time "mistake". She told me she wanted to heal our marriage, although she continued to talk with this guy. She has since stopped but isn't really trying to fix anything. She constantly blames the situation on me. She has also placed herself in a horrible financial situation. She is very slowly showing signs of working on our relationship. We go to marriage counseling and she just started individual counseling for herself. I really want to fix this, I love her and I know how important it is to our kids. She kind of walks around in a fog and has been neglecting our kids as a result of her poor impulse control. Can anyone give me any advice on bringing her back to reality where she can face the consequences and we can move forward. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Fiber_B,

I am glad you found us here, but sorry to hear what you've been dealing with! I imagine this must have been very painful for you to come back home to after being overseas.



May I ask what led to your wife getting a diagnosis? Does this mean she is open to making some changes?

What kind of consequences did you want her to face? What do you mean exactly? Is she certain or debating whether or not she wants to remain together?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[Fiber_B]

Hi Pearlsw, upon my return I confronted my wife about her affair, her extreme spending ($18,000) in a little over a week) and the neglect of our children (she had been leaving them at strangers houses while shopping and out on dates.  She also began dieting, which she had anirexia at age 19 and was hospitalized at 135 lbs. (she was a very fit 150 but is now at 129 and dropping). She has stated her desire to repair our marriage. We began marriage counseling right away. During our second session my wife told the therapist she had a history of poor impulse control. She had done almost the exact acts in prior relationships. The therapist referred her to a specialist and the diagnosis was made. Since the diagnosis the spending and dieting has continued. She seems to be having a long term manic episode. She can not handle dealing with the children and is not able to put there needs first (although she used to).

As far as consequences are concerned, she expects every one who knows about the incident to just get over it. She blamed me for the entire thing "saying she just fell out of love with me when I left). She expects me to welcome her back with open arms and save her from her financial situation with no reservations and no boundaries. She expects me to take care of her like I always have despite the serious trust and intimacy issues I now have with her. She wants to continue this party girl lifestyle while not tending to her responsibilities.

I am actually frightened for her physical health, mental health, financial health and the  damage this could do to our small children! I love her with all my heart and want to help her! I however will not allow myself or my children to be placed in a dangerous position. I also will not remove the boundaries I have in place as protection.

[Tattered Heart]

Does she seem to be responding to the counseling or is it not a good fit for her?

What are you doing for yourself during this time so that you are in a good place?

[Fiber_B]

She acts like everything is ok. Almost like she is oblivious to the crisis which has taking place. She continues to spend, diet and act suspicious (which leads me to believe the affair is on going. (Although she swears it isn't)I don't know if she is just caught up in her mania or if she thinks I am going to ride in on my white horse and rescue her. After all I have done it multiple times before. However this time is different.

I have began therapy as well. I have always been vey fit and continue to take care of myself. I have the kids 90% of the time and mostly focus on providing them a stress free, loving, stabil environment. I have been focusing on my faith, family, and my friends. Surrounding myself with support. I have protected myself legally and sought every kind of council possible.

I love my wife and prior to this incident believed she was my forever girl! I have 11 years of love with her. I sit here contemplating divorce but can't bring myself to do it. I always told myself marriage is for better or worse (this is the worse part). I am committed to helping her heal and repairing our marriage. Whatever it takes, but I can not make her feel the same. I also can't tell anyone how long I will be able to stand the storm. For all of those dump her and leave her people, I ask if your loved one suffered a physical impairment or genetic disease would you still dump and leave? I hold hope in reading BPD can be stabilized and marriages which repair are often stronger than marriages without separation or infidelity. However like I said I am not sure how much or how long I can hold to that hope.