BPD Mother

[AutumnRose]

Not sure I should be here at all. My mother had a serious problem with, what I think, was BPD, she was often quite nice, but sometimes very violent indeed. She would also attribute me with adult characteristics inappropriate for my age, at two, for instance, she insisted I had insulted her, and went to bed for the rest of the day. Later, while below ten years of age, she would confide in me serious doubts about the fidelity of my father, a man of extreme integrity, if, by chance, he would need to spend a night away from home, something he did, perhaps, twice a year. Always, she had an apocalyptic point of view, in that she would abandon something, if she felt at all betrayed. Her constant need for consideration seemed much at odds with that which she had for others.

Sensitive to her emotional turbulence and ambiguity, I think I shut down my own means of perception of emotion, becoming, almost, as if on the autistic spectrum. I am, however, fully equipped with what is needed to understand such communication, and differ in important ways from those who don't.

I think I might, however, be battling some of the same problems, so probably should not be here.

Best regards.

[Kwamina]

Hi AutumnRose

I am very sorry your mother had such a serious problem and even became very violent sometimes. That really isn't easy for a child to deal with. How did your mother explain or justify her violent behaviors? (if she did at all)

She would also attribute me with adult characteristics inappropriate for my age, at two, for instance, she insisted I had insulted her, and went to bed for the rest of the day. Later, while below ten years of age, she would confide in me serious doubts about the fidelity of my father, a man of extreme integrity, if, by chance, he would need to spend a night away from home, something he did, perhaps, twice a year.

What you describe here makes me think of the concept of emotional or covert incest. Are you familiar with this concept?

Patricia Love, Ed.D., past president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counseling, defines emotional incest as "a style of parenting in which parents turn to their children, not to their partners, for emotional support." According to Love, emotionally incestuous parents may appear loving and devoted and they may spend a great deal of time with their children and lavish them with praise and material gifts - but in the final analysis, their love is not a nurturing love, it's a means to satisfy their own needs.

The term "emotional incest" was coined by Kenneth Adams, Ph.D. to label the state of cross-generational bonding within a family, whereby a child (normally of the opposite sex) becomes a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. "Emotional Enmeshment" is another term often used. And the term "emotional parentification" describes a similar concept - it describes the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent.

Do you feel like this description also applies to your mother's behaviors?

I think I might, however, be battling some of the same problems, so probably should not be here.

Many of our members have found themselves struggling with certain issues and BPD-like traits in their adult lives. The fact that you are able to recognize this is very positive because this opens the door to healing and growth. What kind of problems are you dealing with?

As a child of a person with (likely) BPD, people often learn or copy certain unhealthy behaviors from their BPD parent and or develop certain coping mechanisms that might not serve them that well anymore in their adult lives. Fortunately these behaviors can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work.

I notice you only talk about your mother in the past tense... .

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[AutumnRose]

The range of emotions to which I was exposed was so varied as to be practically incomprehensible. The emotional incest, as you call it, although mild, perpetual. I was expected, at all times, to be an adult companion. My father, almost always absent during the violent episodes, I came to regard as no sort of protector at all. His religious convictions, among other things, preventing him from believing such might have happened.

My mother is still alive, her attempts to intimidate, still part of her range of strategies, but, alas, many years ago, I made myself entirely independent of her and her husband, now deceased, the vicious stares and controlling behaviour, I regard nowadays as simply a kind of pathology. I gather her own mother was similarly afflicted. Despite considerable intelligence, she is incapable of admission of error, however trivial, such as mishearing something or simply making some basic and frequent error of speech, of the kind we all do, all the time. This goes far beyond anything experienced in day-to-day life. If challenged (I no longer do this, and have not for many years) she will construct bizarre scenarios to justify her mistakes.

She would routinely discredit my memory, as well as my sanity. My place at Cambridge University, no cause for celebration, in our family, it being something of a counter example to my supposed inadequacy.

[AutumnRose]

The main problem I struggle with is acute mistrust. Compounded by my powers of reasoning. Heartbreaking sense of abandonment and jealousy were once problems, a suicide attempt, while at university, failing for the perverse reason the overdose was too large, causing a violent reaction in which it was vomited, projectile, against a wall 12 feet away.

These sentiments have been overcome, and, generally mistrust, since I no longer feel any need, in particular, to do so. I would say, for those with some symptoms of this horribly contagious condition, it really did improve enormously with age, in my case.

An exception, though, anonymous internet chat rooms and forums, engagement in private conversation always problematic to the point that I have decided never to do it again, an experience which brought me here. My caring side means I am prepared to give much time to people, and, eventually, this leads me to attempt to discover whether they are who they claim. I have discovered, though, I am almost impossible to satisfy with positive evidence, being able to envisage all being fabricated, so probe further, something on the very edge of felony, this has caused alarm and actual harm to somebody, forcing them to remove an element of their internet presence

I am married, with two children, both in college. My wife is made aware, always, of my online activity.

[Kwamina]

Hi again AutumnRose

Thanks for answering my questions. You have been through a lot indeed. It is sad that your dad did not do more to protect you from your mother. Sadly through his in-action, he actually became an active part of your abuse being able to continue.

The main problem I struggle with is acute mistrust.
... .
An exception, though, anonymous internet chat rooms and forums, engagement in private conversation always problematic to the point that I have decided never to do it again, an experience which brought me here. My caring side means I am prepared to give much time to people, and, eventually, this leads me to attempt to discover whether they are who they claim. I have discovered, though, I am almost impossible to satisfy with positive evidence, being able to envisage all being fabricated, so probe further, something on the very edge of felony, this has caused alarm and actual harm to somebody, forcing them to remove an element of their internet presence

Why do you think you felt so attracted to anonymous internet chat rooms and forums? Do you perhaps feel like that fills a certain need you have and if you do, what is that need?

Your need for evidence, where do you think that comes from?

[tvontheradio]

Wow AutumnRose. Sounds so familiar.