New to this - MIL with BPD

[mindfulgraditude]

I can’t believe there are others out there that share some of my experiences. Its so hard to know where to start without writing a book. I want to explain myself, go into the detail and this is my first time posting - but I have to trust that you all will not tell me I'm just imagining stuff.  This is scary to put it out there.

I think I’m in the very early stages of acknowledging how my mother in laws undiagnosed BPD has affected me, my husband and my family and recognizing the ongoing abuse that has occurred over the past 10 years (35+ years for my husband). Our latest episode/explosion occurred last August - my Mother In Law began a massive campaign and aggression against me (I won’t go into details, but it’s been horrible and totally crazy making). After this last episode, I’ve asked for “some time and space to think about my response” and have essentially been no contact, which has resulted in her launching massive bombings on me and my husband. I’m in therapy, and I never realized I could ask for space before – I used to just go right back after a brief cooling off and nothing was ever resolved or talked about. I don’t know what I’m going to do moving forward. I have considered writing a letter, but the idea fills me with fear for the explosion. I don’t feel like I can have any honest communication of what I’m feeling and experiencing and certainly can’t open up to her – but I know my husband feels that if I was to just try to talk to them we might be able to resolve this (though he goes back and forth between this and acknowledging that I need to do what works for me).

Currently, my husband has such bad anxiety heightened by this conflict he says he isn’t able to perform at work and I worry he might loose his job. He’s finally started seeing a therapist, and has finally acknowledged his mom may have a severe mental illness. He has very strong denial (e.g. doesn’t believe that her emotional outbursts and abuse have contributed to his chronic anxiety). He also emphatically tells me he “will have a relationship with her because she is his mother” but at the same time he acknowledges the extreme pain that this situation and others has caused. On good days, he and I are able to find ways to talk without digressing into a fight. But unfortunately, there are more bad days then good right now. It is like his mind is misfiring constantly and he is emotionally and physically exhausted. He just “wants it to go away” and “go back to how it was”. I can’t go back to the abuse. He continually tries to talk to his parents to “fix it”, via phone and in person but it always results in an explosion and him in tears and me in tears for him or feeling totally attached even though I didn't talk to them.  He wrote a letter and is setting better boundaries about not talking on the phone with help from his therapist and sent it last week. We’ve not heard anything about how it was received and I’m terrified.

For now, due to the volatility of this most recent experience, we’ve kept the kids (ages 2 and 4) away (physically and via phones and video calling) from both her and my father in law (who has contributed to the drama but taking sides, yelling at my husband saying his mom has “so much remorse, why are we making it worse”, etc.). Our kids keep asking and talking about them. I know this is incredibly hurtful and I come across as a vindictive daughter in law who keeps the kids away just because in their eyes they simply want me to “contribute more” and “help clean up a bit” (this is in reference to the most recent explosing - i didn't go into details earlier). It’s so much more than that. My husband doesn’t really want to keep the kids away. He wants them to see their grandparents for the holidays, even if it’s just for a couple hours. But for me, I don’t want them exposed to the tension or the potential that grandma could explode at me or my husband. Am I overreacting? How have others dealt with grandparents with BPD or situations when children are involved? I can’t wait for the holidays to just be over.

[Struggles]

Hi and welcome to the board,

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this.  First, let me start off by saying that you are not in any way overreacting.  Your feelings are completely valid. 

My MIL is undiagnosed BPD.  We have dealt with this for 13 years, also although this last year has been the absolute worst.  We have always in the past let her have her rage fits and then go back to normal like nothing ever happened.  No apology, and if you ever try to tell her how you feel, we were met with even more rage.  She always plays the victim, is extremely manipulative.  We (me, my husband; and the rest of his family) are finally standing up to the behavior.  We reached our breaking point.  At the beginning of September, she went on a rage fit to my husband and his siblings, saying awful hurtful feelings.  This caused my husband not to speak to her for a while; he tried to cool down and let her know what she did was not ok.  The same day, she blocked me in a public restroom, grabbed me by my arm; and then started spreading horrible rumors about me.  She threatened my sister in law, and had called the grandchildren horrible names to their faces. 

Since all this, we have went NC.  My husband had to block his mother from his cell phone, because he was recieving hundreds of texts from her. 

Have your husband and you thought about seeing the therapist together or inviting the other to your sessions from time to time?  It is extremely important that you not let this pull you apart. 

It is so easy to let this type of thing be your center of your relationship, but you have to try like heck to make sure that you focus on each other first and foremost. 

When we were first in the midst of this madness, it became the only thing we talked about.  We realized that, and now we still keep each other informed if anything new happens with her, but once we talk about it, we move to better things like how our days were or plans for the weekend. 

My sister in law and brother in law live next door to my MIL, and since this their child is no longer allowed to be alone with her unless one of them are around. 

The anxiety that comes with this is so terrible.  I have had bad dreams, insomnia, and cannot tell you how many ways this has effected me. 

I will be praying for you and your husband.  Praying for peace, and resolution.  Keep posting, this has been a wonderful place for me.  It was scary at first, but it is so amazing to have a place to write out my feelings with people who understand.  Lots of knowledgeable people here, and so therapeutic. 

[Panda39]

Hi mindfulgraditude,

I want to join Struggles and welcome you to the BPD Family

You are not over reacting, you are experiencing the things you are experiencing, how do I know because I have too.  The person with BPD (pwBPD) in my life is my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw). 

It's amazing how subtle some of this stuff can be... .something is just off, you feel it, you know it, but it can be hard to explain to someone else that hasn't experienced it.  Yes, it can also be blatant in your face drama too.  Because others (your friends/family) haven't experienced mental illness they can unknowingly invalidate your feelings and experience... .she didn't mean it you should forgive and forget... .just apologize to end the conflict and move on... .she's doing the best she can, it's not her fault... .

I will say again you are not over reacting you are starting to set boundaries... .not tolerating her bad behavior, protecting your children from the dysfunctional dynamic she along with your enabling FIL are creating, stepping back from the drama/conflict etc.  All healthy choices in my opinion.

You as the outsider (someone who married in to this family) will be better able to see what is going on.  Your husband has been raised in the dysfunction and may have a harder time, his receiving therapy is excellent it will help him step out of what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that is often used by someone with BPD to get what they want.  Do you see your MIL using FOG (or Emotional Blackmail) to get what she wants?

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Our latest episode/explosion occurred last August - my Mother In Law began a massive campaign and aggression against me (I won’t go into details, but it’s been horrible and totally crazy making). After this last episode, I’ve asked for “some time and space to think about my response” and have essentially been no contact, which has resulted in her launching massive bombings on me and my husband.

I also wanted to mention an Extinction Burst... .

Extinction Burst

The phenomenon of behaviour temporarily getting worse, not better when the reinforcement stops.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Essentially an Extinction Burst can happen when you don't do what you have always done.  You have set a boundary... .I want to take some time away from this relationship and the drama (again a healthy choice!  )  You have not acted like you always have which, if you are like most of us, was to back down and do what she wants you to do.  So she has escalated trying to get you to do what you've always done and back down.

Look at it like a little kid in the Grocery Store... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. (Which is what your MIL is doing with her "massive bombings"

What happens if mom in my story gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up. This may take some time (and not be fun) and this does not mean that the kid/your MIL won't periodically test the boundary again to see if she can boundary bust (or get the candy). The key is to enforce your boundary.

So as the description above says when setting a boundary with your MIL things can get worse before they get better.  Hang in there and do the right thing for yourself and your immediate family.

More on Boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Some books you might want to checkout... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS,‎ Randi Kreger 

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

I also wanted to suggest if your husband would be interested that he join our group too.  My SO and I are both members here and it has really helped us gain a good understanding of BPD, get support and understanding, suggestions for Tools and resources that can be helpful, speak the same language and work better as a team when it comes to his ex.

Wow, I've been very chatty    I think I'll let someone else get a word in!

Take Care, 
Panda39