It didn't feel as good as I once thought

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Two and a half years since separation; 17 years together before that. What I had envisioned telling her finally came and it didn't feel as good as I once thought it would. She left when we separated, discarded me hard for another man. I would have given my right arm to have her want me again back then. There was a brief recycle attempt earlier this year but she was still with my replacement and I told her that I wouldn't talk about reconciliation as long as she was still with him or had any contact with him. But I wanted to in a bad way at the time.

That brings my story to today. She had been dropping hints for the past couple of weeks and told me that she wanted us to be together again. Last Wednesday she asked me to meet her because she needed to talk to me. She had been drinking and crying. She said that she needed me and said that we belonged together. She brought it up again in text messages last night. She is still with the same guy and I have been dating a woman for the past couple of months. I told her tonight that I'm not in the same place as she is with wanting to reconcile. That I'm happy where I'm at. This was all through text messages. Her response was "Got it" with the thumbs up emoji. I realize that it was not a desire of mine any longer; of having the satisfaction of telling her that I no longer want to be with her as she decided to want me.  
It's not that I didn't love her or that I don't still love her. For me, it's about knowing who I am and who she is, good and bad. She still thinks that I did and said things that I didn't do. She still hasn't accepted any responsibility for what she has done. She still hasn't left her boyfriend. Only words. I don't know why she wants to reconcile or how long it would have lasted before she split me black again. It doesn't matter why, only her actions do. I don't pity her but feel bad for what she suffers from. I do hope and pray that she gets help someday.

[40days_in_desert]

Two and a half years since separation; 17 years together before that. What I had envisioned telling her finally came and it didn't feel as good as I once thought it would. She left when we separated, discarded me hard for another man. I would have given my right arm to have her want me again back then. There was a brief recycle attempt earlier this year but she was still with my replacement and I told her that I wouldn't talk about reconciliation as long as she was still with him or had any contact with him. But I wanted to in a bad way at the time.

That brings my story to today. She had been dropping hints for the past couple of weeks and told me that she wanted us to be together again. Last Wednesday she asked me to meet her because she needed to talk to me. She had been drinking and crying. She said that she needed me and said that we belonged together. She brought it up again in text messages last night. She is still with the same guy and I have been dating a woman for the past couple of months. I told her tonight that I'm not in the same place as she is with wanting to reconcile. That I'm happy where I'm at. This was all through text messages. Her response was "Got it" with the thumbs up emoji. I realize that it was not a desire of mine any longer; of having the satisfaction of telling her that I no longer want to be with her as she decided to want me.  
It's not that I didn't love her or that I don't still love her. For me, it's about knowing who I am and who she is, good and bad. She still thinks that I did and said things that I didn't do. She still hasn't accepted any responsibility for what she has done. She still hasn't left her boyfriend. Only words. I don't know why she wants to reconcile or how long it would have lasted before she split me black again. It doesn't matter why, only her actions do. I don't pity her but feel bad for what she suffers from. I do hope and pray that she gets help someday.

[ynwa]

Hey 40 Days,   Thank you for sharing, that was a great story and very honest.

You said it "didn't feel as a good as I once thought it would".   Do you mean that it came and passed with very little feeling?  That it seemed almost too simple?  Were you thinking that it would be followed by music and thunder?

I have an idea of what you might say, but if you could answer first, I want to see if it matches.

[40days_in_desert]

That's a good question ynwa. When my ex and I separated, and for a good year and a half after, I wanted her to feel what I felt when she discarded me for my replacement. As I've read many times on this board, she seemed to have no concern for how much hurt her actions caused me. Like she felt that I deserved it. Actually, she told me a few months ago that she didn't care at the time how I felt when she ran into the arms of my replacement. The desire for her to feel what I felt back then went away over time. Well, maybe it was still there some but it not something that I thought about much lately.

After telling her last night, I was at peace with it and found that it helped me in the healing process somewhat. Telling her a year or more ago would have created a lot of anxiety before and after telling her. I do have empathy and compassion for her for what she may be feeling right now but don't feel responsible for her feelings. I still care about her and love her but I know that it won't work between us because she hasn't changed. I applied something that I learned in sales training several years ago: "If you want to know the future, bring it to the present". In other words, "If we did get back together, what would that look like?" I didn't like what it would look like.

[MeandThee29]

I do have empathy and compassion for her for what she may be feeling right now but don't feel responsible for her feelings. I still care about her and love her but I know that it won't work between us because she hasn't changed. I applied something that I learned in sales training several years ago: "If you want to know the future, bring it to the present". In other words, "If we did get back together, what would that look like?" I didn't like what it would look like.

There is where I am. Things have to change. I'm in therapy, and my pwBPD is not. It's tough for me, but I want to get better. I understand that BPD therapy is long and difficult, and I understand somewhat why he doesn't want to undertake that. I wish that he would do it for me, but no. So we're apart.

[blueblue12]

That’s exactly the area I would struggle with 40 days, the fact that the present would be the same scenario. I was also discarded badly, no empathy from her. But a few months later she wanted to rekindle as well and make it a “fresh start.” I couldn’t see it, and I did get involved in a very short-lived recycle. I have learned much about BPD since then, as way back when I was living with her I had no idea. In fact the first time I went to see my T I just basically said I ruined my marriage, I am too controlling and insecure, that was my state then. It was all my fault. My T then alerted me to BPD and the fact that he thought my ex wife showcased borderline behaviours. My T says that without real therapy, real dbt therapy where they look at the actions and the damage they cause and which may take years of work there is no point in even trying. He says without that there is a 10% cent of success in a fresh start.

[40days_in_desert]

I was there too Raul. I allowed her to convince me of being a bad person, a bad father, a bad husband and responsible for most of the issues in our marriage. Even responsible, to some degree, for her issues. I was gas-lit, fogged and had my feet dipped in egg shells.

[Lucky Jim]

I still care about her and love her but I know that it won't work between us because she hasn't changed.

Hey 40 days, I'm with you.  I don't want to go down the same path again, only to wind up in the same place.

I allowed her to convince me of being a bad person, a bad father, a bad husband and responsible for most of the issues in our marriage. Even responsible, to some degree, for her issues. I was gas-lit, fogged and had my feet dipped in egg shells.

Yup, been there, done that.  I allowed her to shift it to my plate and carried it all for a while.  Now I've discarded those rocks in my backpack!

LuckyJim

[Enabler]

Now I've discarded those rocks in my backpack!

That line alone should be red flags for any couples councellor. I used that exact line in our first couples counselling session. It's good to be rid of them isn't it.

[40days_in_desert]

It does feel good. I admit there was some good feelings from her saying that she wanted me again but since I’ve seen this episode before, I know it will change with the shifting of the wind, phase of the moon or however the planets are aligned any particular day.

She had told me that she wanted to leave her boyfriend and get back together. She said it was hard to leave him. I told her “I’m sure it is hard to leave him. I believe you. I also believe that it was harder for you to leave him than it was to lose me forever. You made your choice.” She sent a text a week or so ago that it was like I am so detached from all of this. I thought to myself; yep.

[blueblue12]

40 days, I also feel that way. I feel calm, relaxed and detached. I haven’t felt this way for years. It is a good feeling. Of course there are days when I miss her lots and miss what we had, but the abuse I endured during the entire last year is a strong reminder of what she is capable of. I do not want to be there again. It was awful and I did not and do not deserve that kind of treatment. I had lost my self-esteem completely and just accepted everything she dished out while trying solo to fix our marriage. It was a very naive and tragic stance. It did nothing to fix things it just made her more powerful, more nasty towards me.

And although she has tried a few recycles, I did fall for one, I have kept my distance and have not engaged in any more. I just can’t see any point, it’s a damaging cycle that will never be fixed unless of course she decides to accept her condition and seek real help with proper therapy, not the usual therapy which looks at her as the victim all the time.

[MeandThee29]

Hey 40 days, I'm with you.  I don't want to go down the same path again, only to wind up in the same place.

LuckyJim

That's a good one too. When I related recent events to my counsellor last week, she reminded me AGAIN (which I need) that when nothing changes you just get the "same old" again and again.

[40days_in_desert]

I met with my T today and told her about the recent recycle attempt. It was just a couple of weeks ago. I told my T that after the first few (I fell for the first one), my ex turned so vile against me, I thought that there was no way that she would do it again. I said this time, it's sad to say that it there would probably be another. My T told me that the recycles will probably become more frequent and intense as the divorce approaches finality. Great.

If I didn't have the text messages and one recording of my ex saying that she needed me, wanted to be with me and then the vile, hateful things that she said, I almost might think one day that it didn't happen.

Yeah, I agree with MeandThee, Raul and Lucky Jim. I don't want to go there again. Especially when I have yet to see any changes.