Preventing the Caretaking Role

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife w/BPD has been hospitalized for the 7th time in 2 years.  After much research and therapy, I have realized that I can not be reasonably expected to be a caretaker for my wife while being able to take care of myself and 4 year old daughter.  She has become too unstable and dysfunctional over the last two years for me to handle.  Last year we separated our finances through the courts to protect myself financially.

My wife is currently hospitalized. She will be spending 7-14 days at home with her parents to allow her to take care of herself.  While in the hospital I did let her know that the next hospitalization would require her to stay with her parents for a long term time period, from 30 days to 6 months to allow herself to take care of herself and stabilize.  I explained that only she can take care of herself.  She did not understand and tried to drag me in to a circular argument.

I am a conservative Christian and believe divorce should be reserved for unfaithfulness, abandonment, and a relationship broken beyond repair.  I am open to an alternative arrangement, such as her going back to her parents to support my wife's health.  I did meet with my pastor and he supports me on this.

I also read in a Christian book about family regarding the importance of boundaries.  We have boundaries about hospitalizations, and she chooses not to follow them.  In a book I have it says that you can't take care of another person, but Jesus can.  It explains that if someone can't respect your boundaries that they should be given the opportunity to "walk with Jesus" as their support in the relationship.  It says guilt is not a reason to become a caretaker, and that God can take care of all people in your life.

I am looking for some support in setting up this boundary with love.

[Michael43]

My wife w/BPD has been hospitalized for the 7th time in 2 years.  After much research and therapy, I have realized that I can not be reasonably expected to be a caretaker for my wife while being able to take care of myself and 4 year old daughter.  She has become too unstable and dysfunctional over the last two years for me to handle.  Last year we separated our finances through the courts to protect myself financially.

My wife is currently hospitalized. She will be spending 7-14 days at home with her parents to allow her to take care of herself.  While in the hospital I did let her know that the next hospitalization would require her to stay with her parents for a long term time period, from 30 days to 6 months to allow herself to take care of herself and stabilize.  I explained that only she can take care of herself.  She did not understand and tried to drag me in to a circular argument.

I am a conservative Christian and believe divorce should be reserved for unfaithfulness, abandonment, and a relationship broken beyond repair.  I am open to an alternative arrangement, such as her going back to her parents to support my wife's health.  I did meet with my pastor and he supports me on this.

I also read in a Christian book about family regarding the importance of boundaries.  We have boundaries about hospitalizations, and she chooses not to follow them.  In a book I have it says that you can't take care of another person, but Jesus can.  It explains that if someone can't respect your boundaries that they should be given the opportunity to "walk with Jesus" as their support in the relationship.  It says guilt is not a reason to become a caretaker, and that God can take care of all people in your life.

I am looking for some support in setting up this boundary with love.

[maman]

Hi  Michael 43  ,
I recently found a book that may help you, it's called "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" by Fjelstad, Margalis 

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you are pretty clear about your wife’s situation and are wanting to keep your marriage vows, due to your faith.

How do you see this working out in your future? Do you think your wife will improve after her recent hospitalization or do you imagine that you will be in the same position again? And what if everything remains the same?

What if her parents have health issues and can no longer take care of her?

It’s tragic when we realize our beloved has mental health issues. I’m just wondering what you imagine for your future.