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[todayistheday]

I used to read this board every day and post quite frequently.  I had to back off because it is so triggering.

I learned from my therapist that my Mom may have BPD.  I only told her one thing that Mom had done that was upsetting me. Therapist had me read some books and they totally described my life with Mom.

I grew up the scapegoat child and managed to use college and becoming successful as my escape from her.  However, sweet Dad (80+ years old) never managed to do so.

I quit reading because I have learned techniques to personally get along with her.  Reading the posts here remind me of other times. 

The biggest problem now is my love for the rest of my family who have not escaped.  Especially my Dad.  My Dad poured his heart out to me several months ago, some of it was TMI, but it was good because it made me realize just how bad Mom is.  I grew up thinking that I was the only person she hated and the only person who hated her.  What goes on behind closed doors, even right in your face in your own home!

I knew that Dad had tried to leave her when my younger sister graduated high school in the 1980s, but did not.  I wondered why he didn't.  Sister and I were both disappointed that he did not.  After learning about BPD, wondered if she threatened suicide.  One of the things my Dad told me confirmed that suspicion.

I also suspected that my sister who was golden did not realize how bad she is.  That is not so.  Sister is still golden.  Or maybe brass.  Mom goes off on her some too, but never like she does on Dad or did on me.  Their relationship is complicated and intertwined.  While I became independent, sister lives next door.  Mom has managed to make sister be dependent on her and Mom gets angry when she loses control of her.  Sister told me that she was going to move here after she retires and her son graduates high school.  That may be next year.  Parents of course do not know this.  Unfortunately for me, sister has never learned to be independent.  I may have to help her grow up.  I won't let her depend on me like Mom does, but I will not abondon her.  I will give her information about how to accomplish the things she needs help with rather than rescuing her.

Fast forward to the current.  Dad still confides in me.  At first, I felt like I shouldn't be hearing some of the things I did.  After talking to a counselor, I feel ok about that now.

The latest.  Does your BPD parent re-write history on a regular basis?  My Mom certainly does.

First one: I do not know how the topic came up while eating.  My Mom actually said "I never emphasized table manners on you growing up.  My Mom was so strict on me."  Sis and I just looked at each other.  There were times that I literally dreaded mealtime because her eyes were piercing through me and she scrutinized every motion I made - how I sat, help my fork, chewed, etc.  It was way way beyond "no elbows on the table, don't eat with your hands and chew with our mouth closed" that I suspect the regular mom does.

Second one:
Watchig the National Dog Show.  She was disagreeing with Judges' choices.  It's hard to know what a good dog is on TV.  The breed have a standard and the judge looks at how well each dog meets the standard.  It's not about what the prettiest breed is .

I tried to mention that to her.  She said that she knows all about dogs.  She had dogs all her life and used to do dog shows.

Ummmm... .she had dogs growing up.  A collie and something else.  We had a dog that was the son of a show dog. She put him in 3 dog shows.  He got a couple little bitty prizes.  That was in the 1960s.  Nobody in the family has had a dog since that dog passed away.

So I answered "only with one breed".  She said you couldn't be around it and not know what's going on.


So After 50 years, I learn that Mom is a dog expert.  How about that?

I have learned to distance myself from her in such away that those things are amusing.  She treats me OK most of the time.  That is because I have learned to handle her.  She knows that I don't allow her to treat ME badly.  I just walk out or don't talk to her.  She has lost control of me so she has given up for the most part.  She does sometimes try to control me, but with little success.

She does not know that her torture of my Dad is a controlling factor on me.  If she did know that, she would likely torture him more. 

[HappyChappy]

Hey Todayistheday,

Good to see you back. Your story is so close to mine.  Also the scapegoat, also frustrated with the re-writing history. But it sounds like you have come on long way. Not allowing your BPD to control you is quiet an achievement. I’ve noticed with my BPD the more secure I make her feel, the more she slips back towards being abusive and using the Narcisstic trickery.

We also wished our Dad had left her, but I now realise the abuse would have been worse, as my NPD bro and BPD Mum get extremely abusive if they go unchecked. An outside eye always rains them in.

Do you think you may still have rescuing tendencies for your sister ? Like your sister, mine finds it hard to accept the BPD label, in that she is refuses to look into it as it is all too painful. So has this theory that all mothers do love, but in different ways. How did Rihanna sing it, “I love the way it hurts.”  Only we scapegoats take the blows, so avoidance was never an option.  But then again, without scapegoats, who would bother to change things for the better ? Keep up the good work.

Todayistheday - there’s an Oasis song with a lyric that goes “Listen up, ‘cause today is the day I’m going to speak my mind. One fine day, I’m going to leave you all behind.” Written by the scapegoated child of a violent NPD father and brother. He has a number of songs poking fun at his father, with sentiments like I’m the epic star you wish you were, “no one will remember you name”. Lol. The scapegoat in that family was the musical genius , the NPD were just stuffed shirts. We SG rock. 

[todayistheday]

Do you think you may still have rescuing tendencies for your sister ? Like your sister, mine finds it hard to accept the BPD label, in that she is refuses to look into it as it is all too painful. So has this theory that all mothers do love, but in different ways. How did Rihanna sing it, “I love the way it hurts.”  Only we scapegoats take the blows, so avoidance was never an option.  But then again, without scapegoats, who would bother to change things for the better ? Keep up the good work.

To date, I have never rescued my (almost golden) sister.  Her problem is an enmeshment with BPD mom.  I did not know until a couple years ago that she realizes that Mom is a problem.  That was when she told me that she is considering moving to get away from her.

She is totally dependent on our parents for so many things that she does not even realize how enmeshed she is.  If she "leaves" and comes here, or after they die, I suspect she will turn to me for help.

At that time, my plan is to not abandon her, but rather than rescue her, or do things for her, help her to learn to do them for herself.  When she comes to me with a problem, give her practical steps, not go fix it for her.    If it ever comes to that.  That may end up falling on her kids.  Except her kids are kind of messed up too.  Not because of any mental thing with my sister.  My sister is a good mother.  It's more "typical of the generation" things that are going on with them. They are boys aged 17-25. 

[HappyChappy]

When she comes to me with a problem, give her practical steps, not go fix it for her.

Sound like you have a plan, a good one. One thing I found with my younger sister, was as she was so much young than me, I did a lot of the looking after. My mum would go out and leave a tin of baked beans on the table in place of a note, my prompt at age 12, that I was cooking for my sister.

She admits our mum's behaviour was bad, but refuses to believe a mother can not love, she refuses to read about BPD. She has chosen denial, because she says the memories are too painful. But as I have C-PTSD, that tends to make you bang on and on about the subject, better out than in. So I did feel let down by my sister, because I had supported her though her mental health issues, even paid for her Therapy, but ironically she blamed our father for not supporting our BPD enough. My sister was the “lost child” so still hankers for motherly love. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

But your plan sounds good. I shall do the same with my sister, maybe I have rescued in the past. But my family always was and always will be friends. My friend have constantly surprised me with their loyalty and generosity, but maybe that is just contrasting that with a BPD & NPD behaviour. Happy Christmas.   

[todayistheday]

Mom says so many even weirder things lately.  Weirder than usual for her.  Maybe it's age.  Maybe BPD is getting worse.  (She is in her late 70s now.)

She was talking about an divorce between an Aunt and Uncle.  The Aunt went to another state and left her 16 year old son with his Father.

Mom "I could never leave my children". 

No wonder Dad never tried to leave her until after sister graduated.  But he did not successfully leave and is now still in hell, which I am about to discuss on my Christmas post.