The Discard

[MeandThee29]

I have very minimal contact with my pwBPD. A very occasional email on something business-related, and that's it. He sometimes doesn't reply to questions or even entire emails from me. He stopped signing the emails too. Earlier he was more interactive and always emailed when he received a mail package from me. He hasn't done that in awhile either. I do get tracking so I know if it got delivered.

So I was describing this to my counsellor, and she said, "So you're in the discard phase." Yup. It's official. I struggled with that thought a week ago, but I'm working on it. She gave me a number of handouts on acceptance of things you can't change.

I even had a dream several nights ago that he had looked up an old girlfriend that he used to bring up with me as being superior in certain ways. My counsellor asked what I thought of that. Well... .certainly a possibility that I've entertained. In the last year we were together he threatened multiple times to find someone "better." I know that she lives in the same state where he is now, but I don't remember what city. She tried to contact him multiple times during our marriage. She's been divorced and remarried several times, but was single the last time she called. Anyway, pure speculation, but I'm adding that to my work on acceptance. He may have found someone.

[Turkish]

He may have found someone.

Was part of you expecting or hoping he wouldn't find someone? Or do you feel like it's too soon (assuming he did)?

[MeandThee29]

Was part of you expecting or hoping he wouldn't find someone? Or do you feel like it's too soon (assuming he did)?

We separated with the idea that we would work on reconciliation. Our religious beliefs dictate that you don't date during separation.

At that time though, I underestimated what was to come. It's just not at all what I expected at this time of life from someone I've been married to for so long.

Of course he's going to do what he's going to do. My job is to work on myself. Just tough.

[40days_in_desert]

MeandThee29, your story sounds a little like mine. My uBPDex moved out two and a half years ago. We wrote an agreement and had it notarized. She wanted “divorce isn’t an option” included in the agreement. We are of Christian faith so I believed her when she wanted that in our separation agreement. She hooked up with her ex and is still with him. We were together almost 17 years before separation. Sorry that you’re going through this as I’ve been there and it’s no fun.

Sounds like you’re on the right path in that you’re letting him be him whether he makes good choices or bad. Like you said, all you can do is work on yourself. I wish you the best and beauty can be made from these ashes!

[MeandThee29]

MeandThee29, your story sounds a little like mine. My uBPDex moved out two and a half years ago. We wrote an agreement and had it notarized. She wanted “divorce isn’t an option” included in the agreement. We are of Christian faith so I believed her when she wanted that in our separation agreement. She hooked up with her ex and is still with him. We were together almost 17 years before separation. Sorry that you’re going through this as I’ve been there and it’s no fun.

Sounds like you’re on the right path in that you’re letting him be him whether he makes good choices or bad. Like you said, all you can do is work on yourself. I wish you the best and beauty can be made from these ashes!

Thank you. I go to a wonderful Christian counsellor, and our church has been amazing. They truly get it. We had six invitations for Thanksgiving, and my young adults and I had a wonderful day at a time that could have been really draining.

I'm indeed praying for beauty out of the ashes.

[40days_in_desert]

That's awesome! Being around others with some alone time was I found to be the best. Positive people who weren't there to bash or blame everything on my ex. People who helped guide me to look within and not focus on her issues. My first Christian counselor was one of those people.
I forgot to add that my ex stopped talking to me a week after moving to our home state and blocked me on FB. She only talked via text and was only when she needed something. She was talking to the ex-boyfriend for at least six years before we split. I found out towards the last year and a half we were together. So you're not alone here. Some stories are so similar!

[MeandThee29]

That's awesome! Being around others with some alone time was I found to be the best. Positive people who weren't there to bash or blame everything on my ex. People who helped guide me to look within and not focus on her issues. My first Christian counselor was one of those people.
I forgot to add that my ex stopped talking to me a week after moving to our home state and blocked me on FB. She only talked via text and was only when she needed something. She was talking to the ex-boyfriend for at least six years before we split. I found out towards the last year and a half we were together. So you're not alone here. Some stories are so similar!

Thanks. Finding a good counsellor is such a blessing.

Mine said that the drop-off in emails and being less personal could be a sign of guilt over something he doesn't want me to know, but it's really hard to say. There may have been something that triggered him, but I can't think what. She also said not to spend time fretting about it, which of course is true.