What does a BPD feel when you catch them cheating?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not sure if this is the appropriate board, but I posted the other day I finally moved out of my house and am separated from my wife.  We moved to a different state in March and became suspicious over the summer that something was up with her.  Protective of phone, lots of miles on the car, we stopped having sex, etc.

I caught her getting out of a guy's truck randomly back in October.  I finally decided to retain an attorney she had been asking me to get since September and a week later we are back where I proposed and are looking to fix the marriage.  This only lasted for about 10 days.

Once I announced I had an apartment and was leaving before Thanksgiving she announced she was taking a vacation last week and this upcoming week.  She also announced she is going away over Xmas as well.  Must be nice to be a government employee.

I found out the guy I caught her with back in October went on this trip with her last week, a trip I was supposed to take with my wife to save my marriage.  I now know the guys name, that he works with her and that he has been divorced twice in the last 6 years, neither marriage lasting 2 years.  His son is also on the West Coast while he is on the East Coast.

I don't even have a separation agreement and my wife is talking like she wants to marry this guy.  This guy has 2 divorces in the last 6  years and appears to be NPD.  I'm telling my wife he's enjoying the chase but will get bored of her once this relationship becomes committed.  This guy spent a lot of time in Afghanistan so he's also an adrenaline junkie.

My wife is an emotional disaster who makes one really poor compulsive decision after another and we have a 4 year old boy.

Is she feeling any shame over this?  She's telling me she's feeling alive for the first time in forever which I'm guessing is true, but what level of shame is she feeling.  My bet is this relationship eventually fades and she comes back to me for a recycle knowing I will tolerate a lot from her.

[TurbanCowboy]

Not sure if this is the appropriate board, but I posted the other day I finally moved out of my house and am separated from my wife.  We moved to a different state in March and became suspicious over the summer that something was up with her.  Protective of phone, lots of miles on the car, we stopped having sex, etc.

I caught her getting out of a guy's truck randomly back in October.  I finally decided to retain an attorney she had been asking me to get since September and a week later we are back where I proposed and are looking to fix the marriage.  This only lasted for about 10 days.

Once I announced I had an apartment and was leaving before Thanksgiving she announced she was taking a vacation last week and this upcoming week.  She also announced she is going away over Xmas as well.  Must be nice to be a government employee.

I found out the guy I caught her with back in October went on this trip with her last week, a trip I was supposed to take with my wife to save my marriage.  I now know the guys name, that he works with her and that he has been divorced twice in the last 6 years, neither marriage lasting 2 years.  His son is also on the West Coast while he is on the East Coast.

I don't even have a separation agreement and my wife is talking like she wants to marry this guy.  This guy has 2 divorces in the last 6  years and appears to be NPD.  I'm telling my wife he's enjoying the chase but will get bored of her once this relationship becomes committed.  This guy spent a lot of time in Afghanistan so he's also an adrenaline junkie.

My wife is an emotional disaster who makes one really poor compulsive decision after another and we have a 4 year old boy.

Is she feeling any shame over this?  She's telling me she's feeling alive for the first time in forever which I'm guessing is true, but what level of shame is she feeling.  My bet is this relationship eventually fades and she comes back to me for a recycle knowing I will tolerate a lot from her.

[SlyQQ]

She ( regardless of any facts ) blames you for  this

shame = 0

She will be interested in protecting her good name though, and this may land on you so be very careful.

[clytie]

I have an BPD ex. We divorced last September. We had been together for 21 years. In march I found out that he had been having an affair for the last 2,5 years. I was devastated. When I confronted him, he wasn't remorseful at all. His only regret was my discovery about his affair. He said I deserved to be cheated on. I was a bad woman and I couldn't fill the void inside him. He said all of these after 21 years. So it is obvious that they are very self-centered and have no ability of empathy because of their illness. Their thoughts and feelings are distorted. I deserved a better closure after all those years with him. He made me feel like I was nothing/zero. My ex behaves like he has no shame and still blames me. He has even blocked me on whatsapp this morning, which triggered my sad feelings about him.

[Cire155]

I caught mine cheating with her future replacement during her devaluation phase of me. She had no empathy. Told me and a mutual friend that this new guy was such a nice guy and nothing like me. The mutual friend asked her " Don't you think that was kind of fast to jump from one guy to another?" She now hasn't talked to that mutual friend since then. I guess painting him as knowing too much. The mutual friend wasn't a flying monkey. I think they feel embarrassed to have other people view them in a negative light because they try so hard to keep that mask up. I don't think they care much if you are the only one seeing the infidelity as much as other people seeing the proof of infidelity. If you ask me they never have any feelings of shame.

[Harley Quinn]

As with a lot of the dysfunctional behaviours demonstrated by a pwBPD, without a knowledge of the condition at the time, we cannot always know what a pwBPD is going through on the inside to drive these behaviours, and can't necessarily see the consequential emotional impact on them. 

In my experience, shame is the most toxic thing a pwBPD can feel.  As a result, there tends to be a concerted effort to avoid it by blocking it out and blocking out the trigger for that emotion.  In some cases, this means moving on quickly to another new experience to replace that emotion with something else, such as substance abuse or self harm.  This is also when a lot of the projection can occur, as it is far safer to pass the feeling onto someone else than to accept that which they have done which could provoke that feeling of shame.  A pwBPD can suffer from extremely low self esteem and self loathing generally and so is naturally inclined to feel a tremendous amount of shame in fact, unless they distort their reality to protect themselves from that. 

My exBPDbf I know felt that he was bad, wrong and worthless.  After becoming violent his shame was such that he made several serious attempts on his life as he couldn't live with what he had done.  Only when he was able to turn it around to being my fault was he able to cope, and even then very poorly. 

As a pwBPD feels emotions in an extremely heightened way, it is understandable that they would attempt to avoid at all costs experiencing the feeling of shame, as this is in itself a very powerful and painful emotion.  There is an article on this Here.  It highlights many ways in which an adult who felt shamed as a child may behave as a result. 

Love and light x

[clytie]

Thank you for the article. It is really enlightening.

[SlyQQ]

I'm not saying i'm right or wrong here and there are many factors to consider including weather it is actually BPD we are talking about.

In BPD my experience of suicide is that attempts are either due to fear of abandonment,
or self loathing.

Someone with BPD has denial as a cornerstone of there existence, and will normally invent or change the circumstances that make them feel chronic shame long before it reaches a suicide attempt.

If however they believe there actions have placed them in extreme jeapordy of being abandoned suicide is a viable option to prevent this, also if they believe their actions will eventually make it inevitable they will be abandoned ( due perhaps to other people discovering the nature of there actions ) this may engender extreme self loathing and again lead to suicide to stop this happening.


Imho shame as we may  expierience e.g. when someone loses face and due to shame of being responsible for there actions may kill themselves is not the main impetus but FEAR of discovery and hence eternal abandonment or even simple abandoment per se


The key for me is weather you believe being responsible or acknowledging your actions is part of shame or not but maybe i am splitting hairs, this is my personal opinion from expierience only if it helps use it else ditch it.

heartfelt good luck.

[Justbecause]

I only discovered the truth afterward, and she moved very quickly to secure my replacement. If her claims about him were true, they got together a few months after our final split, but that would mean he proposed in only two months and only after she temporarily left him for me. She then got engaged - which I didn't know - and then got back with me for about a month. The back to him and married 6 months later.

I originally felt this relationship had been going on before our final split, of course she denied this. I am now pretty sure I was right. Her management of this situation is beyond my understanding.

Her main defense was projection and blame, accusing me if having secrets, cheating and not loving her. She suggested I have some deep psychological problem I was keeping from her. She was happier with him, I made her weak etc. Zero responsibility, zero empathy and a complete 180 turn on her personality.

In your situation her new guy sounds a little like my replacement, in so much that he is fast to move toward marriage. This is not normal or healthy, there is no rush to marry. I'm sure marriage is based on trust and understanding, which people build over time. Marriage is a great way to lock a person to you though, and striking while the iron is hot (honey moon phase) is either foolish or predatory, it may even be to show the ex how much better you are without them.

How does this whole thing make you feel? Lots of questions I would imagine, and no hope of having them answered now you're the bad guy, this was my situation completely. You will I am afraid be left very angry and confused, not a good combination.

 I wanted to kick the new guys ass, and sometimes felt justified thinking he may be a predatory narcissist looking for an easy victim. That may be true, pwBPD have trauma and are very open to future victimisation. Might just be he is a mug who got hooked on her claims of victimisation and is being utterly played, time will tell.

You must be super hurt, and uncomfortable with your jealousy, but that is normal. Like in my situation, you surely have more than enough to be very sure she does make bad/paranoid choices, and based on reality so does her replacement. PTSD, BPD, ppd whatever.

I see genuine and objective problems with her new relationship ( both in my case and yours). It may continue for many years, but it's based on lies and manipulations, probably on both sides. BPD are vulnerable to NPD, but also another codependent personality type. The result of such a union will be horrendous in time, once they have cannibalised each others emotions and are left looking at nothing.

I could go on, but in time you will start to see that the relationship you wanted she is not capable of providing, that being one based on trust and understanding, not manipulation and control and blame. It might work out for them on the surface, but it will most probably be a train wreck.

Sounds like yours needs a persecutor, won't be long before it's him, and he's moved quick enough to paint himself very black indeed once her self doubt kicks in.

Me best