Role Reversal

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Left my uBPD after a year of dating about 6 or 8 weeks ago but who's counting.  She was classic 10 out of 10 on the traits, even the worst trait of them em all. Ended it with her about 6 times during the year starting after the first major meltdown a few months in.  Didn't know about BPD or any of this at that time, began educating myself last 6 months or so and finally ended for last time as things continued to get worse. Anyway, weaned off contact for first month or so, and she rebounded in two weeks. I've been no contact for a week and getting little easier everyday but hard still. Role reversal-- why does it feel like she broke up with me? Is it because I cared and she was BPD? I'm talking to a therapist weekly, but could use a pick me up here today. Thank you

[Aiko]

Left my uBPD after a year of dating about 6 or 8 weeks ago but who's counting.  She was classic 10 out of 10 on the traits, even the worst trait of them em all. Ended it with her about 6 times during the year starting after the first major meltdown a few months in.  Didn't know about BPD or any of this at that time, began educating myself last 6 months or so and finally ended for last time as things continued to get worse. Anyway, weaned off contact for first month or so, and she rebounded in two weeks. I've been no contact for a week and getting little easier everyday but hard still. Role reversal-- why does it feel like she broke up with me? Is it because I cared and she was BPD? I'm talking to a therapist weekly, but could use a pick me up here today. Thank you

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Aiko and welcome  

I'm sorry for your pain.  I know exactly what you're talking about, as will plenty of others here.  It's still heartbreaking to leave a BPD partner, as the reason for leaving is the fact that the behaviours simply became intolerable rather than a lack of love on our parts for them.  Also, if you look at the speed in which she has moved on then it could appear that she is less affected by the split.  :)on't believe what you see on the surface.  She will have been deeply wounded too, as she felt you were her safety for the time you were together.  She will have loved you too, in her own way, but unable to handle being alone has to distort things for herself for survival and move on quickly to another person.  Fear of abandonment has a massive impact on a pwBPD's thought and decision making processes, so the behaviours you see are driven by that and do not reflect your worth or that of your r/s to her.  Try to remember that.

Glad to hear you have a therapist.  That's wise indeed.  There can be a lot to unravel after a r/s that is so intense and dysfunctional.  I too had an ex with severe traits who ticked all the boxes.  What we see and experience is emotionally traumatic, and can leave us exhausted in every way.  What are you doing to look after yourself now and build yourself back up?

The NC is a good idea as it will give you the time and space from the drama in order to begin repairing yourself.  Gradually you'll begin to notice the benefits upon yourself and your daily life of not continuing the dialogue.  Hopefully you'll soon notice how your stress level and any anxiety is reduced.  It takes time, however this journey is one so well worth taking.  There are a lot of gifts to be found in having had this experience when we begin to take a look at ourselves in time.  You can come out of this stronger and more able to achieve a healthy and loving reciprocal r/s in the future.  :)o you have supportive friends and family who you can spend more time with at the moment?  Connecting with others will help you to re find some normality.  Coming down to earth can be a bumpy ride after so much chaos.  Things do get better though.  Many have walked this path before us and gone on to have happy and fulfilling lives.  So can you.  Hang in there.

Love and light x      

[Aiko]

Thanks HQ, your third sentence is spot on, I actually said something similar to her once like that and her response was, you broke up with me that means you must be over me how can you be hurting.  Typical irrational childish behavior.
As for me to your question, my support network is ok, my friends that knew her saw it, sometimes firsthand, but I don't talk to them about how hard this is, they just ask to make sure she and I aren't talking or together. Couple ppl I talk to more but not really. I'm ashamed really that I took her back many times. I've been reading a ton about BPD and healing, going to the gym a lot, eating healthy, and weirdly, just smiling more as of a couple weeks ago. And weirder still, people have noticed, said I look great, someone said I look "brighter" not as in smart just outlook I guess. They really are vampires.   I can't even begin to imagine how thos in this board deal with a BPD that walked out on them. Mine was practically throwing up at our last and final breakup, and I fee like this. Had she walked out on me, geez. Bless you all.

[Ragnarok4]

Thanks HQ, your third sentence is spot on, I actually said something similar to her once like that and her response was, you broke up with me that means you must be over me how can you be hurting.  Typical irrational childish behavior.
As for me to your question, my support network is ok, my friends that knew her saw it, sometimes firsthand, but I don't talk to them about how hard this is, they just ask to make sure she and I aren't talking or together. Couple ppl I talk to more but not really. I'm ashamed really that I took her back many times. I've been reading a ton about BPD and healing, going to the gym a lot, eating healthy, and weirdly, just smiling more as of a couple weeks ago. And weirder still, people have noticed, said I look great, someone said I look "brighter" not as in smart just outlook I guess. They really are vampires.   I can't even begin to imagine how thos in this board deal with a BPD that walked out on them. Mine was practically throwing up at our last and final breakup, and I fee like this. Had she walked out on me, geez. Bless you all.

Its hard when we don't see the perspective we need to see that your friends are trying to show you. Then you try to hide your true feelings from your friends because its embarrassing. I get it. I've been in the same boat and since everyone knows your business, you just want to hide the shame. I'm sure your friends wouldn't understand what your going thru and the advice isn't really full of wisdom but the NC is spot on. I know its hard and you get that urge to at least say hello or want some sort of acknowledgement that they might be thinking about you.
You seem to be in the right place and doing the right things. Keep it up. And keep coming back here to share your thoughts and whatever your going thru. This helps A LOT!

Don't be ashamed of taking her back multiple times. Anyone in a position to accept the idealization phase that a BPD projects on us have been there and I beat myself too for accepting what my ex did to me in the past but thats how we learn and grow. You seem to be growing at a much better pace than I did so good for you and keep it up.