Need help staying strong

[skooz]

Hello.  My youngest of three daughters has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.  I call it "BP squared"  (online, BP^2)

She is a dear child, aged 20, bright and talented and cute.  I love her to pieces.  But she rips my heart out.  She is currently living with her dad and I in our house and continually nags at me to bend rules for her.  Rules she understands.  Rules she has known all her life.  Rules I feel strong convictions not to bend.  But she asks.  Over, and over, and over again if, for instance, her boyfriend can spend the night.  NO, he can't.  No, he can't.  No, he can't.  It is my house and it is my personal conviction and it has been a lifelong rule in our family. 

Or, for another example, can she smoke pot in her room?  NO!  No, you can't.  You can smoke pot on the back porch or in the garage if you have to smoke pot, but please DO NOT SMOKE INSIDE the house.  To my face she'll say "OK, mom, that's reasonable, I won't," but then she proceeds to simply do what she wants to do, which is smoke in her room, regardless.  She's not disrespectful to my face on this issue; she simply nods politely and proceeds to ignore the rule.

I am just so worn down and so tired of fighting it and I don't understand why she can't just accept the way things are and stop nagging me to death.  It is harder and harder not to question my convictions and how realistic they are.  REGARDLESS of the specific convictions I hold, my husband and I own this house, she is living here, and I think our rules (which are few and basic) need to stand.

But I want to just give in and turn off the noise. And I honestly start to question myself and think "am I being unreasonable here?"

But I know that if I give in and reward this nagging behavior, I'll just get more of it.  I just need someone to come alongside me and say "no, you aren't being unreasonable.  Hold firm, mama."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

oh Skooz! I have SO been there! Your rules are so insanely reasonable. We had similar rules for my daughter (although she couldn't have pot in the house) but she almost never respected them. Although instead of repeatedly asking for us to bend she would just disappear for days with some dude.  Sigh.

You are doing awesome! Stay strong! As you said in the post you sent to me, at least doing the right thing you can be happy with yourself at the end of the day.

What is she doing? school? job? Is there a longer term plan to transition her to her own place?

[wendydarling]

Hi skooz

I'd like to join hyacinth bucket , welcoming you to bpdfamily   I'm glad you have joined us here, parents understand, you are not alone.    You are not being unreasonable as hyacinth bucket says, it is your home, you can hold firm Mama, understanding how helps us, here we learn how and support each other. You can turn off the noise, by making changes  

You know your boundaries for the family home and she's not accepting them right now, you can work on this, it helps us move forwards. When our approach is not working we change ours, we can't change them, they learn from us changing our approach, using the tools and lessons   to your right, the resources and support here. Small steps work  

When your daughter asks if her boyfriend can stay, try responding using S.E.T
When first learning about SET, it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It's important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. The supportive communication described in the SET model does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said. Have a look at this workshop and let us know if this helps.
Support, Empathy, Truth

skooz, is your daughter engaging in treatment? What specialist support are you and your husband receiving?

We are here for you, keep posting and learning with us.

WDx  

[Yepanotherone]

Hi Scooz , I was in the exact same position you are in now , and I completely understand just how wearing it can be . We DID allow my DD to have her boyfriend stay the night every now and again so long as he stayed in the basement and she stayed in her own room . We discovered however a few months later that this boyfriend was not a good guy and in fact he was introducing my DD to drugs . From that point on he was not allowed anywhere near our house let alone staying the night . For months my DD tried every tactic  under the sun to manipulate us , she consciously also tried wearing us down ... .in fact I recall earlier this year  I started a whole thread on the conversation we had right here on this forum as like you , I was exhausting and I needed support . Having the same argument with her ... on repeat... .over and over . It was soul destroying, I repeated the same response over and over again and it was like she was trying to break us! At one point I actually recorded her going into a screaming fit on my phone as we repeated the same old repertoire  . We did not give in though because we felt so strongly that this boy was not to be anywhere near our home. My husband even bought security cameras to fit , just to show how serious we were because my DD was not against sneaking this boy into the house while we were at work. . She finally ended that relationship a few months ago  and since then the rule is no boys sleep over in our house now and that’s all there is to it .

Same with the pot smoking . If she must smoke pot , it’s not to be in our house .shes broken this rule  least once that I know of , I didn’t punish her or anything , I just told her that she lives under our roof , we can’t stand the smell of pot , it’s unfair of her to subject us to that and she needs to go outside . She doesn’t get to drive our car either if she’s smoking pot and that’s a hard fast rule too that we have stuck to , no matter how inconvenient even to ourselves . . She’s not been too bad with breaking rules over the last few months and there’s been a turn around . She’s generally become much more compliant  with our rules these days and we are no longer living in a war zone . I do believe part of this is because we stuck to our boundaries and did not let up . No matter what . Don’t give in . Stand your ground. It’s YOUR house , your rules . I did use SET a lot to lay down and maintain our boundaries , definitely a good one to use , be prepared to do the broken record technique too though !

[wendydarling]

Hi Skooz

How's it going for you? How can we help?

WDx