Abandonment fears - is she aware and learning avoidance to cope

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm not sure if I'm taking my thought process a step too far with regards to my uBPDw's behaviour but I'm starting to observe instances where I think my wife is avoiding abandonment. I can't have the conversation with her as she has painted me black and in the process of divorcing me although we are cohabitating. I know that she has some sort of awareness surrounding the fear of abandonment based on some of her personal notes I have read, however I'm now tying some behaviours together and believe that she's trying to avoid those feelings.

I think she feels abandonment most when she is left rather than her leaving, which makes sense. She also feels the pain more when the children leave her as well. That would make sense since she feels more attached to them at the moment than me. Am I going crackers?

Boxing Day here I am going to my sisters, I am also going to my sisters on Christmas Day and was going to stay over since my wife and children are going to my in-laws and we are separating for Christmas Day. I planned to return home to pick the kids up to return to my sisters. Wife seems very insistent that she wants to drop the kids off saying that it would be lots of driving for me going there and back etc etc. Now... .you might be thinking ahhhhh that's a nice thing, well yes, innnoal circumstances I would agree, but she doesn't really do putting herself out and I'm suspicious. Is she "abandoning" the kids rather than being abandoned?

Other examples

Comes on a family day out to the city, I could have gone on my own, then was moderately horrible all day and evening. ":)on't leave me at home but I'm going to hate you if o come"

Adiment that the kids are not going on a 2 week holiday, objecting it's not fair on the kids at "this age", I know she freaked out massively coming home to an empty house when we went away in the summer. Kids seemed fine being away from mum all things consideered.

All reasonable scenarios but dusted with a little bit of oddness and some strange arguements and justifications. Anyone have any experience of this?

She has never disclosed suffering from abandonment fears.

[Enabler]

I'm not sure if I'm taking my thought process a step too far with regards to my uBPDw's behaviour but I'm starting to observe instances where I think my wife is avoiding abandonment. I can't have the conversation with her as she has painted me black and in the process of divorcing me although we are cohabitating. I know that she has some sort of awareness surrounding the fear of abandonment based on some of her personal notes I have read, however I'm now tying some behaviours together and believe that she's trying to avoid those feelings.

I think she feels abandonment most when she is left rather than her leaving, which makes sense. She also feels the pain more when the children leave her as well. That would make sense since she feels more attached to them at the moment than me. Am I going crackers?

Boxing Day here I am going to my sisters, I am also going to my sisters on Christmas Day and was going to stay over since my wife and children are going to my in-laws and we are separating for Christmas Day. I planned to return home to pick the kids up to return to my sisters. Wife seems very insistent that she wants to drop the kids off saying that it would be lots of driving for me going there and back etc etc. Now... .you might be thinking ahhhhh that's a nice thing, well yes, innnoal circumstances I would agree, but she doesn't really do putting herself out and I'm suspicious. Is she "abandoning" the kids rather than being abandoned?

Other examples

Comes on a family day out to the city, I could have gone on my own, then was moderately horrible all day and evening. ":)on't leave me at home but I'm going to hate you if o come"

Adiment that the kids are not going on a 2 week holiday, objecting it's not fair on the kids at "this age", I know she freaked out massively coming home to an empty house when we went away in the summer. Kids seemed fine being away from mum all things consideered.

All reasonable scenarios but dusted with a little bit of oddness and some strange arguements and justifications. Anyone have any experience of this?

She has never disclosed suffering from abandonment fears.

[Tattered Heart]

It's could be a possibility that's what she is experiencing. Many pwBPD never admit that they fear abandonment and many may not even know that's what motivates their behavior. Instead they just react to it. I've found that often the oddities that my H does are his attempt at controlling a situation so he does not fear abandonment.

For instance, it's hard for him when I leave for work. He knows that I will be back after work and he knows that he will be leaving the house shortly after me, but somedays he is crippled with fear of abandonment and loneliness when I leave. HE will say things like "<sigh> You're leaving me" or for instance this AM, he began trying to start long, deep conversations just at my time to walk out the door. It's like he is trying to stall me.

When your W does these kinds of things, how do you react to her?

[Enabler]

The recent events have been just a little confusing but not out of the realms of "being nice", so, I have said things like "don't worry about it, I'm fine to drive back and pick the kids up and drive back" whilst thinking it was a little out of character for her to want to put herself out in this way... .however when she pushed a little I just said "okay, thank you". It was only afterwards that I started to mull over the behavior and tie a few things together. I will observe these things going forward. She has definitely had periods of freaking out massively when LEFT alone and maybe now she is tying things together.

Last night I she was downstairs with me in the kitchen, I was watching TV and she was at the kitchen table looking for Christmas presents. I sensed her huffing and puffing and felt a viper attack coming so buzzed around a few people to see if anyone fancied a pint. I told her I was looking to go out and she seemed even more on edge and started to ask me lots of questions as if she wanted to involve me in something to keep me around. I found someone to play with and announced I was going out. Her behaviour definitely looked more concerned. This is an interesting dynamic.

I wonder whether or not she gets the fear of abandonment every day when I'm not there in the mornings having gone to work. The emotional cost is that she's annoyed with me (more) in the evenings when I arrive home... .a bit like "How could you have done this to me?"