Is triangulation blinding my wife from my likely replacements problems?

[TurbanCowboy]

Again, some of you have heard my story, 10 year relationship, moved in together almost immediately, 6 year marriage, I moved out 2 weeks ago, been working on separating since August, there has been some push/pull through the process but I gave up on waiting for the separation agreement.

I caught my wife with another man 2 months ago and she went on a vacation with him two weeks ago, a vacation that was announced right after I announced I was finally moving out.

I didn't know who the man was but I was able to figure it out recently.  I was able to find out he has been divorced twice in the last 6 years.

My wife was paranoid about me cheating or leaving her throughout the relationship.  I wasn't allowed to go to strip clubs, I never brought up women, had no female friends.  I never gave her a reason to believe that I would cheat, not ever.

Understanding this, I find it comical that she is now in love with someone who has been divorced twice in the last 6 years.  I can't imagine how I would have been treated if I had that on my resume. 

Right now my wife is in the idealization phase with him.  Is it because of idealization that she is ignoring his relationship issues or is it because of triangulation and she can unload her crap on me (figuring out separation/divorce and share a son which prevents NC)?  If they were in a committed relationship and living together I just can't see how in a zillion years his marriage history isn't going to trigger her abandonment issues.  I don't know what was behind his divorces, but come on, where there is some smoke there is fire.  I could read about one divorce and there were claims of a pregnant girlfriend.

I've been telling my wife she is doing me dirty for this and that Karma will catch up to her.  When I learned this guy has never had a marriage last more than 2 years, I literally couldn't believe it.  I see now way this relationship ends well, especially when the divorce rate for any third marriage is 75%.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi TurbanCowboy,

If I may be frank, who your wife chooses to be with isn't an issue that is worth a lot of your energy - if any. Time would be better spent, if I may say so, on your son and your future co-parenting issues with your ex. I understand you must be in a lot of pain over it, but her decisions are just details - they are really something to let be small if you are no longer together and don't want to reconcile. You have many other more important things to be focused on.  What will you be doing going forward to improve your life and your son's life?

wishing you well, pearlsw.

[Enabler]

TurbanCowboy, are you me in a parallel universe? What is it with the repeating pattern of stupidity?

I have to agree with pearlsw with the exception of if you have kids with your wife. I do and the OM is a MASSIVE concern since he's a lying, deceptive, manipulative, immoral, inept with his own children, deviant, weirdo and I'd rather my children weren't exposed to him at all let alone in a domestic environment... .but, there is little I can do about this.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that you are wrestling with these questions Turban. It could be very likely that she is in idealization with her new bf. This is pretty common in a new relationship with someone with BPD.

What are you doing for yourself that you are not stuck fantasizing about the "What ifs" and "What is she thinking?" type behavior? I've found that when I am constantly looking back at the why's and how could this happens, that I'm not in the present and start to get obsessive.