Too tired to be a postivity battery

[isilme]

My main goal has pretty much been to not let myself get upset when H goes off on things.  I ignore what I can as BPD-ness, as his dysfunction, and to try to not feed things and to simply work to stay positive myself. 

I am just really tired.  I feel like a battery that can't recharge, and that is just gets worse year after year.  I am tired of feeling it's all on me to stay calm and even. 

He has been having some intimate issues tied to his health problems, and I know this is making him feel particularly bad, and that there is a limit to anything I can do to be positive.  I know a lot of his self-worth has been tied to sex, which makes most ppl with BPD simply freak out and lash out.  Add to this the holidays, and he's been a right joy to be alone with, lately. 

I feel he is taking his anger about his poor self-worth out on me even more than usual.  I can't take the nitpicking, the always being wrong, not all the time.  I came home last night from a long, cold day at work (heat in our building sucks, and space heaters blow fuses), but I felt good about finally getting to some Christmas lights.  We determined dinner, and I went about my tasks, leaving him with his early gift, a new, upgraded gaming system, courtesy of Cyber Monday. 

I came in to grab something and got an earful about how games always need updates and he never gets to play.  I tried to validate, and then went back outside, hoping the update would finish in time for him to play this evening, and all would be well.  Or that he'd decide to go about some crafting he wants to do as gifts.  About an hour later, I came in to ask him to come see the lights - nothing fancy as I have not been super well, and he hates me being on a ladder, and he ripped back into how much he hates updates, waiting for downloads, etc.  It took about 30 minutes to get him 5 feet to the door. 

And, he rips my simple efforts to shreds "Nothing matches" that's just going to get stolen, you need to do something different."  I pretty much tell him I'm not changing anything, and get back inside and start heating up dinner.  It takes him about another 1.5 hours to decide to eat, he's just a cranky mess all night. 

We watch a movie, things are civil enough during that, and then he's off to shower before bed, I finish a work Secret Santa gift.  Our office decided 2 small gifts the first 2 weeks of December and one larger gift the day of our party.  It's been fun, and my Santa has been very nice so far.  I told him after the shower I got my 2nd week's gift ready so I felt good about that, and he asked how many weeks is this?  I have been telling him the "rules" since the week before it started.  Multiple times.  So I said, "I told you it was 3 weeks, two small gifts one large by the party."  And he snaps at me.  He hates if I mention that I've told him things - it's not his job to remember everything I ever say, etc.  He gets on to me, because I DO tend to say, "But I told you!"  because I assume that, well, my husband might actually listen to me at times.  I think he ignores me to get back at his mom for slights.  I am forever getting yelled at for things he "was never told", even when i KNOW I told him but he chose to not listen.  Hence my statements of "But I told you, remember I said, etc."  which I guess re a form of JADEing, but damn I am tired of feeling like I am talking to a wall.

And I am just a sick, tired, cold mess, wanting to feel some holiday spirit but living with someone who makes that very hard, who doesn't think I am worth listening to, and likes to yell at me when he feels bad physically and emotionally.  What's the point right now of event talking to him if nothing I say matters, if gifts I give are going to be torn apart, and nothing I do is going to escape criticism?   

I'm just tired, don't feel well, and last night is apparently still hurting me,a dn I needed to type it out.  It's nothing like toehr people face on here, with inlaws coming to sleep under tables and people needing restraining orders.  I am just sad today and can't shake it.

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi isilme, sounds like you're having a really rough time. And the one person in the world who should be taking care of you is the least capable, in fact is the most responsible for all the hurt. You are a human being, you are allowed to be tired, angry, short tempered and irritable, and even irrational sometimes.

I'm very sorry you're going through this and that you're sad. It's really hard. I hope you can do something for yourself today, something that makes you happy.   

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that your H is being so negative. It really can put a damper on the holidays and just the environment in the house.

Do you think this was completely related to his frustration about the game or has he been becoming more negative for a while?

What do you need right now so that you can get back to your normal?

[isilme]

Tattered,

I know a lot has to do with intimacy issues due some physical disability that has cropped up in the last year - it's very easy to see how that frustration, and how the lack of a perfect, easy solution, can be blamed on me.  Basically, if he can get his sugar REALLY well under control, for a long period of time, a lot of his issues with his legs and other below the waist areas are supposed to clear up or at least improve.  But he won't test, he refuses to check, he takes his meds and that's it.  Me nagging just makes him ELSS likely to keep on top of it.  I get frustrated because if I were the one diagnosed diabetic, I'd be making a LOT of changes and testing 2 times a day and making sure nothing was making me rise or fall suddenly and would keep a journal.  He hates ALL of these things, and I have not found a good way to consistently encourage him to do them.  I am at this time "letting him fail" because I don't know what else to try. 

All of the game and other issues are icing on the cake, and simply get added to by the impatience about waiting for updates, the fact he hates checking things to make sure they will be ready - he just expects them to be good to go when he wants, and often does not take the time to MAKE SURE they are ready simply by doing a once daily check. 

His mood is always affected by this time of year, by the cold which now causes him more pain in the areas affected by neuropathy, and the looming trip to visit his family - Thanksgiving part II. 

What do I need?  Sleep.  Nice, comfortable, uninterrupted sleep for days sounds wonderful.  I, too, get affected by seasonal depression.  My lack of contact with my remaining family members, on purpose though it is, does not make for happy thoughts at the holidays, and I fight wallowing.  I decorate just like I did as a child, to enjoy what could be enjoyable.  By age 10, the parents had given up, so it was on me to decide if the tree was coming out of the attic and getting decorated.  Which I have been too tired to do lately.    I will feel better with the tree up and some gifts wrapped under it.   And my house clean - I've let something go after getting sick right after Thanksgiving, and am still playing "catch up".  I need to let go of feeling bad for taking part in things I find fun if H want's to wallow.  And usually, I can, I'm just super-super tired this year.  My candle has been burnt on both ends too long. 

[5xFive]

Isilme,
I know this feeling! Just so so tired all the time. How can we be who they need us to be when we aren’t even able to care for ourselves properly? It’s so hard! Take care of yourself. I hope you feel better soon.
M

[Fie]

Hi Isilme,

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. And of course the time of the year doesn't help.
Do you think it might be possible you are heading for a burn out ?
Burn outs are not always caused by work, on the contrary. Exhaustion can set in because of overwhelming emotions, too, and this can be caused by our family environment.

I had this a few years ago, due to the living circumstances with my BPD/NPD ex.
A smart doctor saw where I was heading and prescribed me Q10. I had to take it for a few weeks to feel it working he said, but I felt a different person already after two days.

If you decide to give this a try, be sure to buy ubiquinol, not ubiquinone. And the dosage needs to be 100mg.

Being tired is no fun. I have also been tired the last few months, although it's quite calm on the BPD front here. I am taking maca (3 times 500 mg a day, doctor prescribed) and I do feel the difference.

xx

[isilme]

Thanks - sleep was still pretty elusive last night, be he actually let me doze on the couch without comment for a little while before dinner.  Usually, he gets mad if I doze off - it's a form of abandonment to him. 

I can look into the ubiquinol and see if it's around here OTC.  If not, I know I will never be one to ask for it.  I fear prescription meds thanks to my prescription abusing mom.  Things like antibiotics - fine.  Anything to make me sleepy or relaxed, too close to what she tried to hook me on as a child.  I need to remember to make some tea tonight - usually that can help.

I hope I am not burning out.  We have a break from work coming up, a good one for between Christmas and New Years, and I am hoping to be able to simply rest after we get past the family obligations of Christmas. 

[5xFive]

Usually, he gets mad if I doze off - it's a form of abandonment to him. 

Huh. This is like a lightbulb for me. I never considered that’s why he ALWAYS wakes me if I fall asleep on the couch. I’ve asked him before why he has to wake me up, why can’t he just let me sleep, I obviously needed it, but of course he couldn’t answer and I never thought about this!
Thanks for the insight!

[isilme]

Monucka,

Yes, understanding this helps a little, and he's HAS gotten better about me going to the bedroom to lie down for a bit if needed, usually, but also eading a book while he's watching TV or a movie is also seen as abandonment at times. 

I see many of us as security blankets, and sometimes us just being physically in the room is enough, but at others, they need to feel we are conscious and feeling their feelings to be able to process things. 

[LivingWBPDWife]

I think we all feel this way, BPDs are emotional vampires, the more you let them get into your head, the more they suck the energy from you. And all the while, you just want PEACE and happiness -- I don't know of anything that helps, I have been trying for 8 years to crack this code. The only thing that does help is detaching as much as possible, and not let them nor their rages effect you. They are EXPERT at manipulation as you know, they smell it when they have you in their sites, and they can simply make you feel bad. I try to remember, they are mentally ill, they are saying these hateful things really about themselves, and I don't engage in arguments where possible, I just walk away. My problem is sometimes I MUST talk to my BPDwife (we have a 3 year old, and she is my wife's ammo against me) and anything can turn into an attack, so I am soo tired of dealing with it.

My only advice is live a "2nd life", do things you like to do, TRY and exercise, eat right, etc. else your body will just give in to all the stress. I go to movies by myself, the gym, dinner sometimes, just take a drive, BPDs want to consume you 24/7 and make you the target of their life long blame, don't let them do it, the more you can do you own thing, the better.

Good luck, my BPD went to bed cursing me, now I am sitting her working, looking at our XMAS tree, all the decorations, etc. just a complete fiction of how things really are in this house with a BPD, but merry xmas to you from one non to another --

[isilme]

Hi - the week has improved slightly.  Whatever funk he was in mostly passed (for now), I got the tree up and while he did not actually help, he was interested in our ornaments and I made sure to show him the more sentimental ones I put up every year.  He even surprised me with an early gift, a handcrafted ceramic one from an artist I like and we'd spoken to in person at an event.  So that was very nice.  I made sure to be able to cook a simple, decent dinner - when his food intake is terrible, so is his mood.

Got some sleep, not enough, but I seem to do better with 3-4 uninterrupted hours than 7-8 tossing and turning hours of sleep.  Sleep maintenance insomnia - I can fall asleep but just wake up all night long.  Got some stuff cleaned out of the house as I was feeling a little better the last two days.  He hates clutter, but won't do much about it other than complain.  And I think THAT is what really tends to wear me down.  A little bit of griping and complaining I can handle.  But when every single thing is unsatisfactory, especially things he COULD change, it wears on you. 

I think he worries I won't like his gifts, and so he stresses about what to get, procrastinates, then ahs stress about them arriving, then gets mad at ME for "causing him stress".  This is all unspoken. 

I grew up in a household that was often uncertain and violent at Christmas, and I was an only child, trapped with two unstable adults with no outside input or help.  My parents both sit somewhere on the BPD spectrum, and so while I have some good memories, I have a lot of others, too.  Like when Mom ODed on her pain/sleeping pills his time of year to avoid telling Dad she'd not paid rent and we were evicted the week before Christmas, and had to accept charity from a local church to keep anything we had and move to another state to one of the few relatives willing to take us in.  H and I went through one of our roughest times at Christmas, when his emotional infidelity years back came to a head and I was ready to leave one way or another (move out or self-harm). 

In spite of things like that, I love the season.  I love the lights, the activities, the meaning behind them - unconditional love, the greatest gift, how all are welcome to the gift, it's not based on any type of merit.  I still believe in Santa Claus, silly as that sounds, like he lives in some fantasy realm as long as one person believes in him, like some modern-day interpretation of the Ghost of Christmas Present, inspiring us to celebrate the day.  When things were bad, even when the 'rents were fighting, I usually could find SOME solace just sitting in front of our thrift store, 1980s tree.  I'd just go sit in the living room, and if I had access to it, play some music, and felt nice and calm and reasonably happy. 

So when I can't feel that, when I can't make myself muster the energy to get up and put up my tree, it makes me feel pretty sad, and I must be feling pretty bad.  But it's up, so yay.