The Keeper of Two BPDs

[keeperoftwoBPDs]

Hi Everyone,
It's nice to know that I don't have to feel completely alone anymore as someone who has to manage and tend to the unstable emotions and actions of this disorder.

I have a mother and a sister who suffer from the same issues in slightly different ways.

My sister abuses drugs and alcohol occasionally, but is mostly obsessed with her appearance and money, and the need for security and love from her abusive relationship and her equally detrimental line of work (its not good and she basically uses her looks to get what she wants. She also has ADD and Body Dysmorphia and is a Bulimic.

My mother is pretty "high functioning" to the extent that I am her go-to for all things: emotional support, advice, consoling, etc. She is highly codependent and cannot separate her identity from mine. She is very needy, very emotionally unstable, paranoid of others motives, not trusting even of me, highly demanding, and in constant fear of everything including money and the future and her own security, mortality, and abandonment. She also has ADHD. She has always provided for my sister and I, and made sure we had the basic needs, but when love and nurturing and understanding was involved, I was the parent for both of them.

From very young I was thrown into the maternal role for my mother and my sister. I am the glue that keeps everyone together (including friends). I am a take charge kind of person. I make sure everything is handled, and for so long I had to be stoic to make it through. I am 30 now, and I am so tired and burnt out. I don't know what else to do. I have been a mother so long, I don't think I will ever become one for myself and that saddens me immensely. I am divorced and not interested in dating until I can find a handle on the struggles of my own life. I want to have some semblance of balance and peace.

My mom and sister always put me in positions where I had to not only tend to their needs, but ignore my own. I have down this with money too, and it has gotten me into a lot of debt. I went to therapy for a year to find ways to cope with my intense situation, and I have battled depression in the past because of this. I always feel alone and like I have to always be in charge of everyone, but when it comes time to take care of me, even if I make the first attempts, I get thrown back into the storm that is my family.

I have set boundaries, but there are days like today when I am hit with a ton of bricks of "I need your help" and I feel like I'm drowning. I even moved across the country to try and be "selfish" for once and pay my debt off, lose weight (which I carry from over eating to help control the emotions I take on from others ... .also an empath), and to finally focus on MY wants and dreams. My mom moved with me 6 months later and we live together for the last 1.5 yrs. I am saving to find my own apt, but I feel like no matter what it is futile. She panics at the idea of being alone, and my sister stayed across country only to spend every other weekend calling me with a nervous breakdown. Neither have sought out therapy or help, and neither have been properly diagnosed. Their symptoms were indirectly diagnosed through my therapist at the time, and their ADD was something they were both diagnosed with as kids (also no treatment there).

Unless I completely cut contact off they will never stop needing me so much. I cannot abandon them, they are literally the only family I have. I feel so alone in my struggle and I cannot even tell my best friend about this for I fear she has something similar to my family. I am normally an optimist and a survivor and fighter, but lately I feel defeated.

What can I do?

[Turkish]

Limiting phone contact is easier (logistically,  maybe not emotionally) than dealing with someone who is so needy day to day. 

How have you tried to set boundaries? What kinds of boundaries?

[Panda39]

Hi keeperoftwoBPDs,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us.

To piggy back on Turkish (okay there's a silly image... .a Panda riding a Wolf   ) it is also important not to just have a boundary but to enforce the boundary, particularly since people with BPD are expert at boundary busting.  

In what ways have you tried to enforce your boundaries maybe we can help back you up there.  Enforcing boundaries might take some practice and honestly feel uncomfortable, and things could get worse before they improve (extinction burst) but you need to have space (emotional and physical) for you.  This isn't selfishness this is self care and you deserve just as much care as your mom or your sister.

Some links to more on boundaries/assertiveness/extinction burst... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

This is my very simple example of setting and enforcing a boundary... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (extinction burst).

What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  If they learn that this works they will repeat the behavior.

What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up... .he may test the boundary again so enforcing the boundary must be consistent.

Some food for thought.

Take Care,
Panda39

[keeperoftwoBPDs]

Thank you both for your questions. It is actually exactly what I needed.

I was allowing their emotions, fears, and irrational behavior to take over me. It gets overwhelming and tedious when I have my own business to run and then am thrown all this stuff, but I was not re-inforcing boundaries the way I used to.

I limit conversations that tend to go into hysteria or overcomplication with them. I usually am more direct and assertive in making sure that I am not turning into therapist mode with them.

I turn off my phone at night so I can sleep. I have taught my mother to not bother me at certain times and even taught her self soothing techniques like breathing and pacing herself, which has helped. (She listens to me more than my sister).

But the last couple of months I have taken on too much again with them, and I think it is something I need to re-evaluate within. I used to carry such immense guilt if I was not there for them 24/7, and through therapy and boundaries I learned not to, but recently it came back because I started to take a more selfish role for myself. I have been working harder for me, and leaving them to tend to themselves, and I guess you would consider this backwards behavior a sort of relapse.

But I think I have forgotten to ask myself "why"? Instead I have just taken on their anxiety. This forum helped remind me of how far I've come, and what I need to do to course correct.

Thank you!

[Turkish]

First rule of first responders: make sure you're safe before you rescue others. 

Could be that one of them might need a legitimate rescue at some point.  If you're not healthy,  then you'll be in no shape to do so. 

I thought I was OK when my mom was living with us.  To this day I don't know why,  but I broke down crying in the chemical lab at work (I wasn't in the middle of handling chemicals,  I was just in a place alone for a while. 

My T said,  "you're a home,  not a hospital,  and that's what your mother needs." It was such a relief to hear that from someone I trusted.  He never pulled punches when he disagreed with me. 

Now off to the chiropractor thanks to the panda.