Negativity is Pulling Me Down

[Tattered Heart]

My H is spiraling into negativity and depression. I've been watching it for a few days, but it's on the verge of hitting full force. And this morning I felt myself sliding into his despair.

Over the weekend my H began manically talking about deep philosophical topics. He goes from one topic to the next, asking me to comment, but then never really listening or giving me a chance to respond. Next he begins to get irritated with me when I do share a thought on a topic, even if we are saying the exact same thing. It's usually around this time that I realize he doesn't really want to have a conversation with me, but instead wants to just talk at me.

Two days ago he just became negative. Life sucks. He can't wait for society to break down. Work sucks. I validated and asked him questions to help him explore his feelings. He admitted that he is feeling depressed.

Yesterday he sent me a text telling me that he is lonely when I"m not home, but then when I got home he didn't really act like he missed me but instead just began to complain to me and nitpick my language. Thankfully he had to go to work for the evening so I had time away from him.

This morning he is back to life sucks. He wants the world to end. I asked him if he was feeling depressed and he said he feels hopeless. I again began asking validating questions. His answers were very black & white thinking. He isn't wanting to look at things realistically. And he just rambled on about the hopelessness of life. And I realized that he is dragging me down.

I wanted to scream at him to shut up. That life isn't that bad so get over it. I found myself trying to quickly gather my stuff to get out the door and away from him.

I'm torn on how to proceed. Should I push him to his breaking point so that he will cry and then be able to move on from his negativity? Or just keep listening and validating, which will cause his stress and tension to remain unresolved so it will keep growing?

When I say push him to breaking, it means to push him to look at the deeper issue going on that is causing this depression, which I can usually get to pretty quickly by asking him to look at his childhood or linking his feelings about work to his dad. I never insult him in this. It just moves him out of the philosophical/nihilistic subjects he uses to avoid looking at his feelings.

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[isilme]

Tattered, seriously, are we married to the same person?   

H woke me up last night, not in anger, but to share that he was depressed, his legs were hurting badly, and he could not sleep.  After the previous day, this was a good admission, but yes, life sucks, everything is terrible, we are all going to end up in FEMA camps eventually, the holidays are horrible, he's going to die on me in a few years, blah blah blah.  And yes, there are MANY times when I am agreeing with him and he wants a fight or to express his upset-ness, and so even agreeing he attacks me verbally.  And nitpicks a lot lately. 

How would you go about pushing him to look for the deeper issue (and how does that resolve things?)  I ask because I know I am aware, and that H is pretty aware for a pwBPD, of the causes of his moods, but that he feels powerless or unmotivated to address them or work on adjusting his outlook about them.  He knows his family makes him sad but that we can't avoid seeing them.  He knows the physical dysfunction makes him depressed, but can't/won't do much about it (tried some modern medical solutions, but they are not as foolproof miracle-working as he hoped and his internal damage may be too great for them to work). 

[Tattered Heart]

Usually I will start by asking him questions that directly cause him to look at his real emotions, his feelings of rejection, or his feelings of being worthless. So I might start by asking about his worry about getting in trouble at work. Then I just ask if that reminds him of how his father treated him. Over a day he thinks on it a little more and he will get emotional, usually cry about it, and then his pressure his released and usually he goes back to normal after that.

If I don't ask those questions, he will get to the release, but it just takes a little longer. He has to go through an angry dysregulation first, then he feels bad, so then he cries.  My guess is that he will get there by Sunday. It just makes a really rough weekend for me.

are we married to the same person?

They definitely cycle around the same time and in the same way.

[Fie]

Dear Tattered Heart,

I'm torn on how to proceed. Should I push him to his breaking point so that he will cry and then be able to move on from his negativity? Or just keep listening and validating, which will cause his stress and tension to remain unresolved so it will keep growing?

Are those the only 2 options for you ?

You are saying you are feeling yourself sliding into his dispair. From experience I unfortunately very much know what you mean.

How about a little focus on yourself ? The beginning of your post as well as the title are mentioning the real issue here if you ask me.  You don't feel good.

What can you do for yourself when you feel yourself being spiraled down ?

Is it an option for you to first figure out how to help yourself, get a little better first, and only after that think about a strategy on how to approach your husband ?

[Tattered Heart]

Are those the only 2 options for you ?

What can you do for yourself when you feel yourself being spiraled down ?

Is it an option for you to first figure out how to help yourself, get a little better first, and only after that think about a strategy on how to approach your husband ?

You're absolutely right. I think my original intent of my OP was to look at myself but it slid into a focus on him. I've been having difficulty focuing on my own mental health lately as I have a lot going on--home improvements, stuff breaking down at home, a situation at work, and the holidays. I know I'm not in a good place. Last night I went to bed with a stove burner on. This morning I prepared the coffee, but didn't start the coffee pot. When I get forgetful it means I am not doing much self-care at all.

I don't know what I need though. Well, I guess I do, but it will take a lot of time and effort to get those things done. I want my kitchen back, but we are still a month out from finishing it. I want my schedule back, but that doesn't happen until after Christmas. I've already cut back significantly on activities and chose only those activities that were important. I could use some 1:1 time with my girlfriends but adding in a coffee date would just add to my hectic schedule.

Just thought of something I can do for me. I've been wanting to go clothes shopping for 3 weeks and haven't made it yet. Tomorrow after work I can go spend a little $ on me. Maybe I'll do my nails this evening. Self pampering always helps me a little.

[Fie]

Keep us posted on what you've bought !

I could use some 1:1 time with my girlfriends but adding in a coffee date would just add to my hectic schedule.

Maybe you could consider spending some of the time you usually spend on trying to fix the situation with hubbie, on a coffee date ?

I am saying that because for me, when I feel not so good / when I ruminate, I always notice that social contact is helping tremendously. Only the fact of talking about other things than the things I have been ruminating about, helps.

And of course our friends are our lifeline.  I do know what you mean about having a busy schedule. But sometimes we need to step back and look at the importance of things. Having coffee with girlfriends sounds pretty damn important if you ask me  :-)