Boundaries?

[alphabeta]

I have a question about boundaries with my mother, whom I suspect has BPD.

I have gone to multiple therapists, who have told me that I need to set boundaries with her -- she considers me as her best friend, and tells me everything about herself and wants me to do the same.  Until recently, she would spend the entire weekend at my house (with my wife and son), saying that she felt happier with us than with anyone else.

During the past few months, I have been realizing that my relationship with my mother has not been healthy for my marriage nor for me -- my witnessing of her emotional highs and lows have left me confused and with mistrust of her.

Specifically, last week my mother told me among other things that she wanted to end her life, she thought me and my wife were terrible people, and she didn't want to see me ever again because we disagreed over whether or not I should feel open to talk about my wife with her -- instead I suggested we go to therapy. 

The next day she said she realized that she was wrong and realized that interfering in my married life was a mistake.

A few days later, I still felt nervous around her and told her that I needed a little distance from her until I "healed."  She took this as an excuse to reject her and she felt bad about this. 

Nonetheless, we decided to meet at my house to exchange and open Hanukah presents.  I suggested that we eat dinner together at a restaurant, and she gladly accepted.

Yesterday was Hanukah, and the present exchange went well.  Then I suggested that we eat dinner at a restaurant located halfway her house and mine, so that she wouldn't have to drive far to get home.  She got very angry that she was not being allowed to sleep over at my house, and I do admit that it was my mistake that I didn't explicitly say that everyone was going to sleep in their respective houses.  She ended up insulting me and my wife after I had apologized for half an hour and told me that she never wants to see me again.  I also told her that after everything that was going on lately, I didn't feel comfortable if she stayed over at my house -- she had insulted me and my wife just a few days earlier.

So, my questions for the on-line community are:

-Am I a horrible person (as she puts it) for not having explicitly said that she shouldn't expect to sleep over?

-How could I have told her not to sleep over without offending her?

-How can I set up boundaries with someone who takes them as being an insult to her every time I bring them up?

-Instead of talking to her, should I just act?

Thanks,


-

[Struggles]

Hi,

Let me start off by saying no, you are not a horrible person at all.  I think you did what was right for you and your wife and child.  With how she hurt you both so bad, and the things she has been saying, it is completely understandable that you would not want her spending the night. 

I am so sorry you and Your wife are going through this.  The guilt you are feeling is completely normal.

My husband and I recently went no contact with his mother.  This was after years of verbal and emotional abuse, threats, and the latest, a smear campaign against me. 

We used to let her have her rage fits and go back to normal with no apology, but when we (my husband, myself, his siblings, and father) stopped letting that be ok, it seems like she took it to another level. 

It will be hard at first to enforce the boundaries (whatever you and your wife are comfortable with), but in the end I think you will be happier for it.

I don’t think there was any way you could have said it that wouldn’t have offended her. 

I think you just have to do what you feel comfortable with in the end.  If you feel comfortable having that conversation with her or if you just want to act. 

Hopefully someone will come along shortly with some great links to help with boundaries. 

Hoping you find some peace with the situation, let us know how you are. 

[madeline7]

Hi Alphabeta,
First of all, you are not a horrible person. I have an elderly uBPDm and what I have learned over the years is that no matter how much I do it is never enough. And as I start to set healthy boundaries, she rages against them and me. Everyone's situation is different, but for me there would be no way to let my Mom know she is not welcome overnight without her being engaged in an out of control manner. That's why everyone walked on cracked eggshells for years while my Dad was alive and enabling her. I am learning to set boundaries for myself through counseling, visiting this site and deep introspection. She will never be fixed, whole, healthy, and it makes me sad and bitter, but I am finally taking care of myself and making healthy choices for me and my family. I do find that I don't "talk" as much, too much JADE, too much back story, I do act, but in a respectful manner. I am using an Assertion format for some of my conversations, it doesn't always feel natural, but it is a work in progress. It is exhausting and I wish you peace in your journey.

[ProudDad12]

Don't feel like a horrible person. I'm learning that sometimes it just doesn't matter what you do or say, and that's a hard thing to accept, but I'm told there's freedom on the other side when you do.