Potentially Dangerous Splitting

[WitzEndWife]

uBPDh was an innocent victim of a violent crime several years ago, and I feel that he still harbors some PTSD over it. Last year, we moved to a city with a higher crime rate, and he discussed getting a gun. Based on his rage issues and suicide threats, I nixed that idea. I know that having something like that in the home would pose way more of a threat to him than anyone from the outside.

Several months ago, there were a series of violent crime incidents around our neighborhood, and he ended up talking to a victim of, what the victim alleged, was a "random shooting." However, the guy's landlord had said that the guy was into drugs, and it seemed that the shooting was a "drug deal gone wrong." The victim told my husband, however, that he was targeted because he was white, and claimed that the shooter was black.

Shortly thereafter, H (who is white) really started splitting over this, becoming panicky because he felt that nonwhite criminals were going around randomly targeting and shooting white people (not at all the case - there is zero record of this in our entire city). We got into a huge blowout because he was saying, what I felt, were some pretty racist things. Being in a multiracial family myself, it really hurt and scared me to hear those things. But the more I spoke with him, the more I realized that it was more his terror at being randomly targeted than him being afraid of nonwhite people.

We had some long talks and things seemed to mellow out a bit. He went out of town for a month to help his mother out with her house in Canada. When he got back, things were pretty good, overall. There were a few times when he posted some questionable things on social media, but nothing too bad. He was working, being productive, things were good.

Now that he quit his job, he has been spending most days loafing around the house, like he did prior to working full time. He seems to be getting more and more into ideologies that blame other people, or groups of people, for the ills of the world. Last night, he claimed that the movement of women calling out sexual assault was a mastermind plot to keep white people from reproducing (I know, makes no sense). He also claimed that feminism was a ploy to turn all women into lesbians. These are not things I have ever heard from him in the past and they shocked me.

Just about thirty minutes ago, he posted something in our neighborhood group about carjackings, and said that everyone should have a gun, that these types of criminals should not go to prison, they should go to the cemetary. He also called them "roaches" and used other violent language. It is scaring me that, left with too much time alone, he could end up splitting so much that he becomes some kind of violent extremist. Is it wrong for me to think something like this? What can I do about it. I'm even scared to go home because, silly me, I engaged with him on that post. He said all kinds of nasty things to me as well, calling me "part of the problem."

I don't know what to do about this, but I have a bad gut feeling.

[pearlsw]

Hi WitzEndWife,

I know it must be terribly upsetting to hear such things. It sounds like some extreme black and white thinking on his part. He hears one thing and attributes it to a whole group. I would be wary about getting into a situation that could lead to endless arguments. As awful as it can be, he is an adult and entitled to his opinions no matter how distorted and messed up they may be. You are not required to listen to it and engage with negativity.

I think if you listen to his fears/feelings, when justified, and set boundaries about other things that you find unacceptable you have a chance to navigate this. Basically, "I hear that you have concerns. I don't think it is okay to attribute bad things to entire groups of people." And to complement this you may want to support him going in a more positive direction. Perhaps you'd want to bring more positive influences into his life so he is not left to find community and support in such negative outlets?  :)o you have opportunities available to do such a thing?

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I know this must be very stressful and dispiriting. Keep yourself uplifted and clear about how you see and feel about the world. What inspires you?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[WitzEndWife]

I would absolutely love to bring more positive influences into his life, I just don't know where to find that. We recently moved here (I've lived here before, but a lot of my longtime friends moved away). I realize that I just probably shouldn't engage when he's splitting and going in an extreme direction. It didn't help that I said his "me too" theory made no sense.

It's hard for me not to engage because he's not this way in "normal" thought patterns, only when he gets into these panick-y, PTSD, splitting modes, triggered by local news stories.

[pearlsw]

Some random uplifting things I can think of:

1) I just started a free 30 day yoga challenge on Youtube. It's pretty awesome. Something two could to together perhaps?
2) Listening to relaxation music instead of having the news on. I know I need to do this more!
3) Listening to TedTalks together on communication, other stuff that you can both find interesting.

I'm a bit isolated myself so I am always looking for what is free/handy to do!

4) Look at the weekly paper to see what free/affordable things are happening? I once got my h to go along to a lumber tour in a nearby forest! We go to free or low cost classical concerts. We walk to the nearby lake at warmer times of the year. I get him to try new restaurants - otherwise he'd just to one over and over and over!
5) Do you ever see videos on how to cook stuff? Does he like to cook or eat?  

Any ideas anyone?

[WitzEndWife]

I suggested that we BOTH do a social media detox and start doing more things together, to create positive experiences and get out in our community. We stay at home and dive into social media WAY too much.

My suggestions were:
Walking the dogs
Writing
Reading
Organizing the house
Going to local community events
Going to free museums
Talking about things outside of politics together
Going to the gym together
Playing board games or other types of games
Cooking together
Spending time with friends (either together or apart)

Open to other suggestions, of course!

[formflier]

Open to other suggestions, of course!

Is this or the job more important?

Figuring out a pwBPD is like reading tea leaves.  They change a lot.  They appear to try to distract "authority" or "responsible" people with... well... lots of distractions.

Perhaps tomorrow he will know who shot Kennedy... .and relate it to... who knows what.

A consistent theme from you is that he needs to support himself in the marriage... .or else.

Stick with that, don't engage on other things.  It's also fine to ask... ."Help me understand the time you seem to have for social media posts?"

"Is this the best use of your time?"

How much has he ubered since quitting?

Please... .don't be distracted by his words or posts.  Watch for his accomplishments earning money with uber or getting another job. 

Once he realizes you won't be distracted, it may motivate him some.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

He has not Ubered at all. I have decided not to "nag" this time, and say nothing to see what he does. Just observing his behavior. I'm not even asking, "What did you do today?" because he knows that's code for, ":)id you lie around and play on social media all day?"

If he says something to me about feeling like a loser or discusses work, I say, "Okay, so what's your plan?" I don't take the bait to agree with his pity party either way.

This morning, I mentioned needing to get up earlier because we have to make time to walk two dogs now instead of one, and I need to get back into the gym after having pneumonia. He said, "Well, it's important that I start going to bed and waking up earlier because I am going to be going back to work."

It's week 2 of wallowing. At least this week he is showering. 

[formflier]

I like the stance of disengagement.  Potentially it has gone a bit too far.

I like not nagging, but "disinterest" is not good either, although better than nagging.

I would think some nudges and gentle questions are in order.

When he says he is going back to work... .a completely normal follow up is... ."how is that going?  " or "when do you expect to start?"

Speaking in code can be confusing... .so be succinct and direct.  "Hey... I'm looking at our list, how did your part of the list go?" is a bit more kind and polite that "what got done today?"... .but even that is better than "speaking in code"

When accused of speaking in code (which I used to be accused of alot), I usually say "I say what I mean, nothing more... nothing less"... no drama... just move along. 

Thoughts?

When do you expect him to run out of money or have to ask you for money for his "wants".

That would be good time to bring up uber... .in that you would "add to" what he earns... .or something like that.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Regarding engagement, I feel like I leaned SO heavily on him last time, that I've done a lot of "damage" when it comes to making any sort of non-initiated query. So, I've tried to just disengage and observe, while only asking him about things when HE brings them up. I didn't dive into his last statement because I was late for work, but normally I would say something.

The main thing I'm hoping for is for him to feel his own sense of responsibility, and guilt, instead of me pushing him into doing something. He is capable of it, as I've seen him do it. He just needs to decide when he's going to stop wallowing in self-pity.

I've been trying to stay pretty even-keel over everything, even when he's been emotional. After he started raging on social media, we went for dinner at a pizza place (I wanted to be in public so that it would maybe calm him down a bit prior to us going home). I told him I wanted to talk about things outside of politics, and I asked him to put away his phone. He did for most of the meal, but, as we were walking out, he started furiously tapping on his phone again, stopping in his tracks outside the restaurant. I walked toward the car, thinking he would catch up to me, but when I looked back after getting to the car, he was still around the corner behind me.

He raged at me for "leaving him behind," and then, after a few angry words spat at me, he threw his coat in the trunk, grabbed his skateboard (which was in the trunk), and skated off.

I texted him, "Bye."

About five minutes later, he texted me, telling him to pick him up, that he was too cold and that home was uphill. I almost left him there, but decided to just come get him (I made him wait a little bit though).

We got into a discussion about crime on the way home, and he was talking about living in fear that he was going to have a gun to his head. I told him that there were no guarantees in life, anywhere you were, and that was why being in the moment and appreciating it was so important. And that, when I asked him to be off his phone and spend time with me, and he decided to continue his arguments, he was squandering time he could have spent with me. That stopped his anger in its tracks. He got a bit teary at that point.

Beyond that incident, things have been pretty relaxed. He's been more mopey than anything, frequently giving me a drained and pathetic look to try and evoke sympathy. He is desperate for coddling.

I need to find ways to be affectionate without coddling. I spend too much time being reserved and holding my boundaries.

[formflier]

I think you did the right thing by eventually going back.  I probably wouldn't have.  We all have our ticks and what we are going to go nuclear over.

For me it was ruining a date night or event out.

I would usually give her a warning that I wouldn't talk about whatever she was on the warpath about and if she persisted I would take her home... .dates over.  I would usually go back out and enjoy myself.

Showing that my happiness and social life is not tied to her dysfunction.

She has found her own rides back from events and things... .

I'm glad that has been a while. 

Big picture comment.  Don't give yourself credit for damaging him.  You didn't.  I would focus more on gently bringing up normal issues... .let him flip out.  You didn't "cause" the flip out.  That is buying into his projection.

Now... it is fine to give him "space" after an extreme event.  Quitting would qualify as one of those. 

Just make sure the space doesn't last too long and get back to "regular".  Don't save him from regular... .


FF

[WitzEndWife]

Giving him time to reflect on all of this feels right to me, but I definitely don't want it to drag on too long. Of course, the holidays sort of complicate things (since he wouldn't be working on the holidays either). Next week will be a good gauge on how the momentum is going. If he starts to pick up and do things around the house, and contact potential new employers, then I'll feel like things are going to go back to "regular." But, if he continues to mope, I'm going to have to make decisions about what I am going to do.

[formflier]

 
Would Wed. of next week be a good time to make an "adjustment", either way about your "input" to his "recovery"?

People ride uber during the holidays and sometimes they look for houses, especially because they may be off work.  Perhaps things are different in your r/s market.  I do agree it's not a "hot" time.

FF