BPD Ex GF - Compulsive liar - Stopped my life and can't move on with anything

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello smiley
I am not doing too well. I read similar stories, but still I feel no better. I met a girl through my ex gf who was basically on the street and left homeless when my ex gf left the city. I stepped in when I saw she had only drug addict friends to go to and felt a sense of caring and love for her that told me there is no other way than to stay with her 24/7 after seeing she ended up staying with a drug addict twice her age and I moved in there and started paying her rent. Long story short I stopped my life, left my job and got her off drugs for most of our 2.5 year relationship. During this time she was admitted to mental health hospitable and diagnosed with BPD. Only for the psychologist she started seeing switching the diagnosis to Bipolar with which I never agreed. As she was more consistent in her behaviour than being manic, etc.

Either way I fell in love with her over this time sharing so many extreme emotions, physical attacks, losing life long friends in the process. Only to be told after she had to move out due to difficult living arrangements that she quickly moved in with another guy and got a cat which she named after her ex bf before me. She lied to me about the cats name and first said it was named after me, then smilingly told me oh no the cat is actually named after her ex bf me. An ex she told me at the hospital one day she still wants to see when he is around, even though they are no longer intimate. They never even broke up officially, he just left Town and moved back with his parents.

During the course of the relationship she walked out on me countless times (possibly 40+ times) I always ran after her cause it seems if she left me she will go straight back to drugs and go live with drug addicts or continue to sleep with guys for accommodation like she did while living the club life, even ending up on the streets in between.

No matter what I did If I tried to stand up for myself and point out how her behaviour like jumping onto another guy when he makes a sexual reference or allowing other guys to hold her in intimate places she couldn't take my reaction to it and wanted to leave. At the time i met her she allowed guys in general to lick her in her neck and have sex with her in the name of fun / to have a place to stay and who knows what extreme this went to as she combined multiple drugs and alcohol at the same time and was the type to be left at a trance party without a lift as she partied so hard she only thought about that when the music stopped playing.

She was an amazing person with a beautiful heart and in between all the admin and baggage I saw something apart from the pain, the highs she put me on and seeing me and giving me compliments I never received before... .cliche i know. But because of her past (most of which was compulsive lies about having and lost a child, having cancer 3 times and numerous other stories which I still to this day don't know was true. As the versions changed everytime she spoke on the subject again and I have a photographic memory so I never forgot the previous versions. Only that the versions and details didn't add up. I always tried to justify her actions due to her past hurts and got her to eventually go to a psychologist for over a year. It seemed eventually though that she got the psychologist on her side and they were like sisters talking about her past behaviour as a phase. Instead of something serious that needs to be addressed.

I ended up isolating her from her past friends and more and more as my anxiety increased to the point of chronic exhaustion, completely depleting myself from life energy, etc. And due to compulsive lying and my reaction to her trying to possibly telling me the truth added to her lying more and more. To the extent that my mind started malfunctioning in an attempt to figure out the truth from all the lies, based on sensing when things doesn't add up. I also diagnosed myself as being on the Autistic spectrum during this time period so that added to the situation. The lack of intimacy unfortunately made sex the only way to connect and eventually sex became colder and more about me receiving a chemical boost as my dopamine was completely depleted and I sensed this sexual experience of her on a level, but she never spoke about it openly and pretended to be much more inexperienced. She told me when upset what sexual things she will do with other guys without protection, but then limited me to not allow me those experiences with her or only allowed it once or twice. And it made me feel so out of control as I had these visions (being OCD) repeatedly playing in my head of the stuff she told me she will do with other guys, yet limiting me in that way. So our sex went from an hour at a time to random 5 minute quickies as I felt so disconnected and the experience felt so empty that there was only a goal of releasing in mind and perhaps a futile attempt at connecting.

She started holding these things against me and never wanted to discuss anything of a sexual nature and leave it in the air. So it could never be discussed, same as everything else that involved any notion of truth or intimacy.

After 2.5 years of consistent rollercoasters and me trying to build a new life step by step and talking about buidling a foundation of truth. She started giving me silent treatment more and more and eventually started leaking thoughts out like she's getting older and has things to do. I thought she was in a hurry with all her issues and lack of any foundation wanting to pursue a career as a singer, etc. I wanted her to first build something solid and move slowly.

Afterwards she told me things like she will use sex to get what she wants, and started working at a dodgy place with dead animals with multiple heads, and public tattoos being done, black crows, and snakes on the wall. It just felt like a bad place next to a strip club. This made me stress as she worked in a stripclub already before I met her and this was the kind of life I wanted to avoid her from leading. She was supposed to go for an interview at this place with many perks like clothing,etc. And would hear from the manager the next week. She showed me the e-mail communication between them and they spoke about "adventures" being the best "experiences". After a 2 - 3  hour "interview" she suddenly had the job and started the next day. When I asked her why the sudden change as the guy was going to interview many people and let her know the next week something had to convince him otherwise. And my OCD thoughts starting thinking she offered him a sexual favour of some kind. I'm naive probably as these things probably happen more than I realize. And she told me those type of things happen often a few weeks before. At trance parties, in exchange for drugs, alcohol, jobs.

It's all pretty much a nightmare to me. I found her after we broke up with 2 different drugs. And she started sabotaging me from making progress with anything productive that took attention away from her, to the extent that she would even hide what I was busy with. I found make up and teacher type reading glasses in her stuff (she doesn't wear make up, or glasses) she told me it belongs to her cousin. But it's the type of setup a stripper or escort could use as another persona. The naughty teacher type.

If she is with another guy and got a cat and lives with him I suppose I should be happier than the lifestyle she lived in the past. She told me she doesn't lie to him as he doesn't react the way I do. She still made contact with me from time to time since, but all on her terms. And short notice where I have to travel 50 km's to see her and then makes me wait for 30 minutes at a time. One day she came out with something resembling white stuff on her lips and below. Knowing he was in the house according to her, even though another guy just left the house she came out of. I asked her what it is referencing jizz and she said why would it be she doesn't like to give oral... but she still gave it to me often in the beginning willingly when she wanted something otherwise I had to ask and made me feel guilty for asking as if she didn't want to give it. And it made me sick how she could possibly lie to me about this while looking in my eyes.

She made up this long story of how she was seeing a girl that was living there. Then eventually how he visits there, but doesn't sleep over - when one day the stories didn't add up she told me the girl lives there with him, but she is going to move out and it's his sister. And that she's been with the girl and will eventually be with him and start sleeping in his bed when she left. She stuck to this story no matter what although my logic tells me that she probably tried to save my feelings a little by delaying the truth so I don't realize she was able to move on so quickly. In the beginning she told me she wanted to still see me and have both of these relationships at the same time. But it was so draining and all on her terms. I would drive 50 km's to see her then we'll start a fight over the phone or sms or I would freak out about something and she would just not see me after I drove all the way.

The last time she did it I freaked out about the last minute notice and she just put down the phone in my ear. I still drove the 50 km, and she just told me she loft already and is with him.

During the last stages of our interactions she made me out to be just another horny guy from her past and everything we went through and shared and living together 24/7 for 2.5 years that it was all nothing. And how she's tired of all these guys. As if I'm included as being nothing. Sex was the only way I could try and connect through all the lies and silent treatment. Since that day I freaked out again being hurt, sending countless texts and emails and told her she must leave me alone for a while as her contact is only on her terms the whole time and it hurts me. Since then she ignored me, didn't wish me for my birthday and ignored my birthday wishes I sent her and tonight I was angry and hurt by that so I typed emails and stuff again.

I'm stuck, it's been 5 months or something since she moved out. I don't want to take anxiety medication, but often think about suicide as a way out of my mind. I don't want to be dependent on pills and being on the Austistic spectrum (Aspie) it's not a long term solution as my life and chance of future relationships are challenging to say the least. I left a good paying job 5 years ago for a girl that convinced me it's a viable option to go to her country and visit her. Since then I got into a new industry and gave that up due to the extra stress this relationship caused and feel unable due to my anxiety which turned into chronic fatigue and extreme depression and hopelessness, constant negativity and just not agreeing with what people have to do to earn a living and the moral costs to pay. I seem to be rejected by females and people in general as a result of the Asperger traits of coming across as socially ackward, even though I was very good in a customer service role. As long as I played a role, but it doesn't come natural and I'm drained from trying to play a role and pretend. I'm just so tired.

But I still reach out to this girl and think she might be like a succubus / sexual demon type energy judged by the hold she has on me and the effects she had on me. I don't know what to do, but suicide by hanging seems like the most viable option going forward. I went home with a girl the other night, only to be asked to leave cause I suggested we lay together naked. I say waay too much, it probably would've happened anyway if I played it cool, but my mind is just out of control as far as regulating words having no filter and I got into a fight the other night - being hit by someone I can't even remember who it was. I have trouble dealing with my emotions and the way I express anger probably pushed my ex's away also as I show emotion through verbally expression my hurt like a mirror as to how it made me feel when my ex jumped onto a guy,  and her general behaviour in that sense. It strange though as I broke up with a girl who licked my friends when I was a teenager, but the older I get the more "understanding" I tried to become as to why a girl will do that cause of her past sexual abuse issues, etc. And maybe the older I get the more desperate, but can't allow a girl / woman to just do whatever they want at my emotional cost either... .help?

The worst part is how she always claimed change freaks her out and how things need to remain the same. That is exactly what I tried to give her by simplifying everything and staying by her side no matter what happened or how many times she physically hit me or hurt me emotionally. Now I am struggling with the change and fact that she is no longer by my side while she is sleeping with another many and probably many others since.

I played role of Dr, father, boyfriend, shrink, but I guess friend and bf started taking a back seat eventually. And she created all of it. Always needing medication making me spend a lot of money on pain medication and all the symptoms she experienced. Always reading up, trying to help her with her addictions, issues, spending issues. ETC. She even took my card and bought drugs with it without my knowing in the beginning and I worked through all of it. Her appearance improved 500% since I met her. She picked up healthy weight, and started to look healthy. Only to use me as a crutch and jump to the next one. She always ran when emotions got involved, but I stuck around consistently the longest and now it seems the new younger version of me who is stable with a job and a house is reaping all the benefits of her new truth telling self. And I'm left stuck in F(*&(* limbo.

[BPD ex GF]

Hello smiley
I am not doing too well. I read similar stories, but still I feel no better. I met a girl through my ex gf who was basically on the street and left homeless when my ex gf left the city. I stepped in when I saw she had only drug addict friends to go to and felt a sense of caring and love for her that told me there is no other way than to stay with her 24/7 after seeing she ended up staying with a drug addict twice her age and I moved in there and started paying her rent. Long story short I stopped my life, left my job and got her off drugs for most of our 2.5 year relationship. During this time she was admitted to mental health hospitable and diagnosed with BPD. Only for the psychologist she started seeing switching the diagnosis to Bipolar with which I never agreed. As she was more consistent in her behaviour than being manic, etc.

Either way I fell in love with her over this time sharing so many extreme emotions, physical attacks, losing life long friends in the process. Only to be told after she had to move out due to difficult living arrangements that she quickly moved in with another guy and got a cat which she named after her ex bf before me. She lied to me about the cats name and first said it was named after me, then smilingly told me oh no the cat is actually named after her ex bf me. An ex she told me at the hospital one day she still wants to see when he is around, even though they are no longer intimate. They never even broke up officially, he just left Town and moved back with his parents.

During the course of the relationship she walked out on me countless times (possibly 40+ times) I always ran after her cause it seems if she left me she will go straight back to drugs and go live with drug addicts or continue to sleep with guys for accommodation like she did while living the club life, even ending up on the streets in between.

No matter what I did If I tried to stand up for myself and point out how her behaviour like jumping onto another guy when he makes a sexual reference or allowing other guys to hold her in intimate places she couldn't take my reaction to it and wanted to leave. At the time i met her she allowed guys in general to lick her in her neck and have sex with her in the name of fun / to have a place to stay and who knows what extreme this went to as she combined multiple drugs and alcohol at the same time and was the type to be left at a trance party without a lift as she partied so hard she only thought about that when the music stopped playing.

She was an amazing person with a beautiful heart and in between all the admin and baggage I saw something apart from the pain, the highs she put me on and seeing me and giving me compliments I never received before... .cliche i know. But because of her past (most of which was compulsive lies about having and lost a child, having cancer 3 times and numerous other stories which I still to this day don't know was true. As the versions changed everytime she spoke on the subject again and I have a photographic memory so I never forgot the previous versions. Only that the versions and details didn't add up. I always tried to justify her actions due to her past hurts and got her to eventually go to a psychologist for over a year. It seemed eventually though that she got the psychologist on her side and they were like sisters talking about her past behaviour as a phase. Instead of something serious that needs to be addressed.

I ended up isolating her from her past friends and more and more as my anxiety increased to the point of chronic exhaustion, completely depleting myself from life energy, etc. And due to compulsive lying and my reaction to her trying to possibly telling me the truth added to her lying more and more. To the extent that my mind started malfunctioning in an attempt to figure out the truth from all the lies, based on sensing when things doesn't add up. I also diagnosed myself as being on the Autistic spectrum during this time period so that added to the situation. The lack of intimacy unfortunately made sex the only way to connect and eventually sex became colder and more about me receiving a chemical boost as my dopamine was completely depleted and I sensed this sexual experience of her on a level, but she never spoke about it openly and pretended to be much more inexperienced. She told me when upset what sexual things she will do with other guys without protection, but then limited me to not allow me those experiences with her or only allowed it once or twice. And it made me feel so out of control as I had these visions (being OCD) repeatedly playing in my head of the stuff she told me she will do with other guys, yet limiting me in that way. So our sex went from an hour at a time to random 5 minute quickies as I felt so disconnected and the experience felt so empty that there was only a goal of releasing in mind and perhaps a futile attempt at connecting.

She started holding these things against me and never wanted to discuss anything of a sexual nature and leave it in the air. So it could never be discussed, same as everything else that involved any notion of truth or intimacy.

After 2.5 years of consistent rollercoasters and me trying to build a new life step by step and talking about buidling a foundation of truth. She started giving me silent treatment more and more and eventually started leaking thoughts out like she's getting older and has things to do. I thought she was in a hurry with all her issues and lack of any foundation wanting to pursue a career as a singer, etc. I wanted her to first build something solid and move slowly.

Afterwards she told me things like she will use sex to get what she wants, and started working at a dodgy place with dead animals with multiple heads, and public tattoos being done, black crows, and snakes on the wall. It just felt like a bad place next to a strip club. This made me stress as she worked in a stripclub already before I met her and this was the kind of life I wanted to avoid her from leading. She was supposed to go for an interview at this place with many perks like clothing,etc. And would hear from the manager the next week. She showed me the e-mail communication between them and they spoke about "adventures" being the best "experiences". After a 2 - 3  hour "interview" she suddenly had the job and started the next day. When I asked her why the sudden change as the guy was going to interview many people and let her know the next week something had to convince him otherwise. And my OCD thoughts starting thinking she offered him a sexual favour of some kind. I'm naive probably as these things probably happen more than I realize. And she told me those type of things happen often a few weeks before. At trance parties, in exchange for drugs, alcohol, jobs.

It's all pretty much a nightmare to me. I found her after we broke up with 2 different drugs. And she started sabotaging me from making progress with anything productive that took attention away from her, to the extent that she would even hide what I was busy with. I found make up and teacher type reading glasses in her stuff (she doesn't wear make up, or glasses) she told me it belongs to her cousin. But it's the type of setup a stripper or escort could use as another persona. The naughty teacher type.

If she is with another guy and got a cat and lives with him I suppose I should be happier than the lifestyle she lived in the past. She told me she doesn't lie to him as he doesn't react the way I do. She still made contact with me from time to time since, but all on her terms. And short notice where I have to travel 50 km's to see her and then makes me wait for 30 minutes at a time. One day she came out with something resembling white stuff on her lips and below. Knowing he was in the house according to her, even though another guy just left the house she came out of. I asked her what it is referencing jizz and she said why would it be she doesn't like to give oral... but she still gave it to me often in the beginning willingly when she wanted something otherwise I had to ask and made me feel guilty for asking as if she didn't want to give it. And it made me sick how she could possibly lie to me about this while looking in my eyes.

She made up this long story of how she was seeing a girl that was living there. Then eventually how he visits there, but doesn't sleep over - when one day the stories didn't add up she told me the girl lives there with him, but she is going to move out and it's his sister. And that she's been with the girl and will eventually be with him and start sleeping in his bed when she left. She stuck to this story no matter what although my logic tells me that she probably tried to save my feelings a little by delaying the truth so I don't realize she was able to move on so quickly. In the beginning she told me she wanted to still see me and have both of these relationships at the same time. But it was so draining and all on her terms. I would drive 50 km's to see her then we'll start a fight over the phone or sms or I would freak out about something and she would just not see me after I drove all the way.

The last time she did it I freaked out about the last minute notice and she just put down the phone in my ear. I still drove the 50 km, and she just told me she loft already and is with him.

During the last stages of our interactions she made me out to be just another horny guy from her past and everything we went through and shared and living together 24/7 for 2.5 years that it was all nothing. And how she's tired of all these guys. As if I'm included as being nothing. Sex was the only way I could try and connect through all the lies and silent treatment. Since that day I freaked out again being hurt, sending countless texts and emails and told her she must leave me alone for a while as her contact is only on her terms the whole time and it hurts me. Since then she ignored me, didn't wish me for my birthday and ignored my birthday wishes I sent her and tonight I was angry and hurt by that so I typed emails and stuff again.

I'm stuck, it's been 5 months or something since she moved out. I don't want to take anxiety medication, but often think about suicide as a way out of my mind. I don't want to be dependent on pills and being on the Austistic spectrum (Aspie) it's not a long term solution as my life and chance of future relationships are challenging to say the least. I left a good paying job 5 years ago for a girl that convinced me it's a viable option to go to her country and visit her. Since then I got into a new industry and gave that up due to the extra stress this relationship caused and feel unable due to my anxiety which turned into chronic fatigue and extreme depression and hopelessness, constant negativity and just not agreeing with what people have to do to earn a living and the moral costs to pay. I seem to be rejected by females and people in general as a result of the Asperger traits of coming across as socially ackward, even though I was very good in a customer service role. As long as I played a role, but it doesn't come natural and I'm drained from trying to play a role and pretend. I'm just so tired.

But I still reach out to this girl and think she might be like a succubus / sexual demon type energy judged by the hold she has on me and the effects she had on me. I don't know what to do, but suicide by hanging seems like the most viable option going forward. I went home with a girl the other night, only to be asked to leave cause I suggested we lay together naked. I say waay too much, it probably would've happened anyway if I played it cool, but my mind is just out of control as far as regulating words having no filter and I got into a fight the other night - being hit by someone I can't even remember who it was. I have trouble dealing with my emotions and the way I express anger probably pushed my ex's away also as I show emotion through verbally expression my hurt like a mirror as to how it made me feel when my ex jumped onto a guy,  and her general behaviour in that sense. It strange though as I broke up with a girl who licked my friends when I was a teenager, but the older I get the more "understanding" I tried to become as to why a girl will do that cause of her past sexual abuse issues, etc. And maybe the older I get the more desperate, but can't allow a girl / woman to just do whatever they want at my emotional cost either... .help?

The worst part is how she always claimed change freaks her out and how things need to remain the same. That is exactly what I tried to give her by simplifying everything and staying by her side no matter what happened or how many times she physically hit me or hurt me emotionally. Now I am struggling with the change and fact that she is no longer by my side while she is sleeping with another many and probably many others since.

I played role of Dr, father, boyfriend, shrink, but I guess friend and bf started taking a back seat eventually. And she created all of it. Always needing medication making me spend a lot of money on pain medication and all the symptoms she experienced. Always reading up, trying to help her with her addictions, issues, spending issues. ETC. She even took my card and bought drugs with it without my knowing in the beginning and I worked through all of it. Her appearance improved 500% since I met her. She picked up healthy weight, and started to look healthy. Only to use me as a crutch and jump to the next one. She always ran when emotions got involved, but I stuck around consistently the longest and now it seems the new younger version of me who is stable with a job and a house is reaping all the benefits of her new truth telling self. And I'm left stuck in F(*&(* limbo.

[Inside]

Some writing as I read  I’ve read that insurances are more inclined to pay for Bipolar treatment than for BPD, as BPD is considered incurable. 

Yes, pw(people with)BPD often ‘stay connected’ with prior intimates, allowing them somewhere to flee…

I was ‘walked out on’ 6 times in 3 years, the 7th was me leaving. 

You write well, very descriptive; you’ve the intelligence to see beyond this. 

I can also relate to the trailing off of intimacy, too much emotional scar tissue.  There are technical, or clinical terms for much of her behavior that I’ve forgotten, but they basically describe the behavior you are here, to me, classic BPD.   

OK - it’s time to look out for you!  I’ve a good friend with Asperger's and have worked with Autistic students ... .and no longer need to imagine the effect someone with BPD could have on either…  That was Hell, and it’s time to get out.

You did all you can for her, and obviously, there’s no limit to what she’s willing to do ‘to you.’  You’ve described a level of behavior that is unsustainable on her part.  What seemed like the best of times were also a lie, not how you felt, but the fact they were unsustainable.  So there is no reason for you to hang on.  You gave her an opportunity to escape, there is nothing more you can do.   

I suggest you find help for yourself … and interrupted my reading your piece to the end to tell you this.  BPD is not her fault, but the behavior used to latch onto the unsuspecting can leave us devastated.  I know.  What you’ve laid out here should explain to any health professional or counselor where to begin helping you.  Use them - it’s your turn!

You’ve time to recover from this, and can.  Do not focus on what you perceive to have lost - move ahead.  And if moving ahead means retreating inside yourself in order to heal -- that’s still moving ahead.  There are a ‘spectrum of women’ out there, with no doubt one who’ll be appreciative of your love.  So get prepared.   Counseling, meds till ya think it’s enough, focus on employment & career, reconnect with family, friends - with a focus on yourself. 

Be aware, she will be back... .and will know how to get to you...   So be prepared, which again, sounds like some serious counseling.  No shame.

... .OK, finished your piece    I’m not an official greeter here, just someone who once felt as you do now, as I suspect we all have... .  But you’re at the right place    Read, learn and share.  And thank you, for being man enough to share your experience…  Now make sure you’re around to advise others, when you're ready ~

[Inside]

Hey, Dad here … checkin in … just tell me yur doin yur homework