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Author Topic: Adult daughter 27 just been diagnosed with BPD  (Read 511 times)
January90

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« on: December 14, 2017, 03:44:20 PM »

Hello I'm new here and feeling a great deal of grief as feel have "lost "our daughter whom we were once so close to and was a loving part of family.
After years of struggle with her actions and emotions and although very intelligent, unable to hold a job, our lovely, charismatic daughter was admitted to psychiatric hospital about 2 weeks ago where they have revised a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 to BPD.
For years we have struggled with her changes from loving to hating, from gentleness to extreme verbal aggression and threats of suicide and being blamed for things we have not done.  About 2 years ago I found a book about BPD and thought she fitted this description.  We had tried many times to get help, but found our GP unhelpful, also our daughter was unwilling to accept help, as she did not want mental illness on her record.  Even though our daughter saw a psychiatrist about 2 years ago, because she would not allow us to be present and she can present very well at least initially, he discharged her without treatment.  In the meantime our whole lives were in disarray by the constant rages and drama at home.  Our younger child then aged 15 had become very distressed about her outbursts and threats of suicide as he too loves her dearly.
Without help, and not knowing what was wrong, out of desperation we said if she wouldn't accept help then she would have to move out.  She got a job and moved into a flat with a friend and all seemed much better for a few months, until 9 months ago where she lost her job through raging at another employee.
What transpired was a downward spiral where the mental health services and sometimes the police were involved.  She largely shut us out and it has been so painful to watch the train wreck happening and being helpless to help.  She also at times suffers from paranoia.
About 6 months ago she disappeared threatening suicide.  Eventually she was picked up by Police about 300miles away from us, but not far from my sister's farm.  My sister who hadn't seen much of her over recent years took her in, in the hope that they could "put her right" with some work on the farm and some fresh country air.  We did tell her about the problems we had had and I think for a while we kind of got blamed, as for a while our daughter didn't act out much.  We were also shut out quite a lot which was very painful as we have done nothing but love her and try to get help which she had refused.  However, sadly before long my sister, who had been very kind to her and tried to help a lot, was on the receiving end of what we had been suffering, but this time our daughter engaged with the mental health team.  She was initially diagnosed with rapid cycling Bipolar,  but 2 weeks ago my sister, feeling unable to cope as my daughter was now screaming at my sister and husband that she hated them and was going to kill herself, they took her to A and E. They admitted her to hospital saying she had in fact got Borderline Personality Disorder.  My sister is very upset,  but has now said she can not have her back so the mental health service has said she will be offered a supported house when she is discharged.
It now looks like she will stay in hospital until after Xmas and we hope she will get appropriate help and treatment and we are glad she is safe.  We still feel very sad for her and find it hard not to feel rejected, as although she has always said she loves us (by text) , she will not see us, nor let us have information from the hospital.  My sister is allowed to get information about her from the hospital and may possibly be allowed to see her tomorrow.
Have other parents suffered this sort of problem? We feel so sad for her, but at the same time at a loss to know how to mend this.  Also with her being far form home it is difficult to just pop over.  I supposed we should be grateful that we are not dealing with all the difficulties  and melt downs on what was not just on a daily basis but could be a an hourly basis without any external professional help. like before.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 595


« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2017, 07:43:30 PM »

Hello January90... .glad you found us... .sorry of your circumstances that brought you here.

As parents we want to "mend" our children but, sadly, that is not always possible.  As much as we try, all really depends on the child.  We can't make them do anything.  In the long run we have to be confident in knowing that we have tried the best we could.  I'm sure that is the case with you.

It is good that your daughter is in the hospital now and hopefully she will be accepting of treatment that will be offered.

It is interesting, indeed, to read of her aunt's (your sister's) about-turn.  Once she experienced what has happened to you, she understood.   As sad as the situation is, it is validating for you.  So many people can't fathom what it is like to live with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours.  That is why it can be so comforting to interact on this forum.  Heads nod when posts (like yours) are read).

We have had many periods of no contact with our daughter... .some lasting for years.  Currently that is the situation again.   While it may be sad to say, this time I do have gratitude for the silence... .the absence of drama.  I am teaching myself to put the different aspects of my life in compartments and not have my life focus and depend on my daughter.   

So, January 90, once again I welcome you.  For sure, there are no immediate answers to any of our problems but the support is here and lots of information on how to better deal with our troubled offspring.  So important, though, to learn to look after yourself.  Life can get better but it takes work.

Huat







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January90

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2021, 10:12:29 AM »

I’m sorry it has taken me years to reply but I was so grateful for your comments and much further down the line they certainly ring true. Our daughter still refuses proper treatment and cycles in and out of crisis. She comes and goes from our lives and at the moment has cut us off again. This time although very sad I am more accepting of this as the silence at least provides some peace. I live in hope for an improvement in our daughter’s health but know it is unlikely without her being properly treated. Yes my sister having discovered for herself first hand what we really had been going through although upsetting at least gave us validation as genuinely caring parents. And my sister and I are now close so at least something good came out of the trauma. I wish all parents struggling with a child with BDP the ability to carve out some peace for themselves.
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